by (@katespencer)

Wednesday: Jessica Wants Us to Like Her

jessica-simpson-1114.jpgJessica Simpson?s Fake Boyfriends
Apparently her dad is responsible for planting items about Jess and Owen Wilson to help promote her image and album. Cuz everyone loves a girl who dates a charity case! [MSNBC]

Jon Bon Jovi for Governor of Jersey?
The rocker is ready to give politics a bad name. As in Governor Bon Jovi. [NYP]

Pics Prove Jake & Reese?s Love
Sure they’re boring, but they’re also kind of perfect together in that ‘sometimes it’s fun to watch paint dry’ sort of way. [Us]

Angelina Jolie the Journalist
The actress is penning a piece for The Economist, which we hope is about how making babies with Brad Pitt will change the world. [Us]

Britney Heads Back to Court
Here’s a tip Brit – have one of your babies drive and you won’t end up back in court every couple of days. [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Tuesday: Lindsay Lends a Hand

lindsaylohan-1113.jpgPhotog Chasing Britney Hit By Car
A “spotter” who was following the pop star to the Four Seasons was hit by another paparazzo’s car and seriously injured. Welcome to the painful world of Brit Watch. [TMZ]

Lindsay Does Time at Red Cross
LiLo has started her community service working at the organization’s blood services facility. Wouldn’t it be more helpful if she just hid out for ten days? [People]

T.I. Convinced He?ll Go Free
The rapper is convinced he’ll be “exonerated” of the charges against him. That’s the spirit! [Yahoo]

Posh Ready to Pop Out Baby #4?
The Spice Mom is rumored to be pregnant with a daughter who she can prompty ruin with bad outfits and poor eating habits. [OK]

Reese & Jake Sneak Off on Vacation
The new lovers headed to Napa for some private R&R. Someone should tell them that they can cuddle all they want in LA – no one cares! [OK]

by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Drugged Up and Dancing Badly

Is Britney on drugs? Is she not? Did she flunk a drug test? And why did she run that red light, anyway? Was it….DRUGS?!

These are the questions our friends – The Big Time Hollywood Lawyers – will be asking on Wednesday when Brit and K-Fed head back to court over the pop star’s dumb driving move last week, in which she ran a red light with her kids (and parenting coach) in the car as she texted on her phone. The fugly diva also allegedly failed a drug test last week, though her friends are saying it was a “false positive.” Apparently the prescription drugs she has to take for being an overall nut showed up, which probably explains why the court is not freaking out over the failure.

If you want to see what Britney’s VMAs dance fest would have looked like had the pop start committed to what she was doing, check out the video above featuring a side-by-side comparison of the choreography being done in rehearsal by a stand-in dancer and Brit’s actual performance. It’s nice to know that the number was actually kind of awesome before Brit and her sparkle-kini got involved.

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by (@katespencer)

Monday: Iggy the Dog is More Famous Than Ellen

ellen-1112.jpgIggy the Dog Shoots TV Commercial
Only in America could a dog milk its 15 minutes of fame like this. Bark cheese, Iggy! If you can dance better than Ellen, maybe you can get your own doggy show. [Us]

Britney & Her Mom Get New Managers
Both of the Spears girls have got some new representation, ya’ll! Brit’s mama now has a manager (uh, why?) and Britney’s hired creepy pal Sam Lufti to be her babysitter. [NYP]

Kate Hudson Makes Out with Heath
Wow, it only took Kate 28 years to finally kiss someone hot. Farewell Dax Shephard, hello Oscar-nominated Bob Dylan-playing hotness Heath Ledger. Added bonus – their kids can have play dates! [NYP]

Elisabeth Hasselbeck Has a Baby Boy
Happy news for Elisabeth and her hubby, sad news for our ears. Her big-mouth will be back yapping on TV in only a few hours (noooo!), when she announces the kid’s name on The View. [People]

Amy Winehouse?s Hubby in Hot Water
They tried to make Blake go to jail – and he didn’t really have a choice in the matter because he’s being charged with tampering with a witness. [People]

by (@katespencer)

Britney Drives Like an Effing Idiot

britneyspears-1109.jpgHey Britney – I am really getting sick of reading and writing and talking about you all day long. So if you could do me a favor, please stop doing really stupid sh*t all the time. I don’t want you to end up back in court any more than you do, all I want for is for you to disappear into a giant sea of frappucinos and cigarette butts, never to be seen or heard from again. But when you do stuff like make a left hand turn on a red light while cars are coming at you, it makes me a little crazy. And when you drive like a lunatic with your kids and that parenting coach in the car, my mind explodes a tiny bit. But to do it all holding a cell phone in front of your face to hide your (plastically enhanced) lips?! That’s just straight up dumb. Let those lips shine, girl! They’re one of the few good things left on you. [Image: Getty]

by (@katespencer)

Friday: Lauren & Heidi Happy Together in The Hills

hills-1109.jpgPissy Paris Sues Card Company
The heiress is mad at Hallmark for using her likeness on their products. Her face is all over the “Happy Birthday Mom – Aren’t You Glad Your Kids Aren’t Like Paris Hilton” card line. [TMZ]

The Hills‘ Lauren & Heidi Back as Buds
The former BFFs have been spotted together looking chummy – whatever happened to forgiving and forgetting each other? [JustJared]

Europe Makes Britney #1
So what if The Eagles beat her ass in the States, in Europe she’s still got the #1 album. Too bad Brit doesn’t even know where that is. [Us]

Ellen Dissed by Striking Writers
The comedian is getting bashed by writers for crossing the picket line during their strike (unlike Conan, Jay and Jon, for example) to go to work on her show. [NYP]

Dog Chapman Slapped with Suit
The girl Dog the Bounty Hunter railed against with racial slurs is now suing the star for slander. Nothing says healing like millions of dollars. [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Who’s Peeing in Britney’s Cup?

britney-spears-1108.jpgK-Fed’s lawyer dragged Britney’s peeps back into court today to fight about the pop star’s inability to respond to drug tests in a timely manner. Apparently Brit has been flaky about 8 of the 14 tests, even though she’s “tested clean” in 10 different times. Impressive! She’s trained Sean Preston to pee in a cup! But even more ridiculous are the excuses her lawyer came up with as reasons for why she’d be missing the phone calls summoning her to the drug tests. Britney apparently changes her phone number so often that she misses calls, and has been lax about answering early morning phone drug testing requests. When the judge argued that taking a morning phone call was not that difficult a task, her lawyer shot back, “But you’re not a pop star with a No. 1 album to promote.”

Interestingly enough, neither is Britney! She’s done nothing to promote her album, which is number two on the charts – the number one slot belongs to The Eagles, natch. So really, rising at 9AM to pee in a cup shouldn’t be that much of a hassle, right? [Image: Getty]

by (@katespencer)

Britney Spears Hates Don Henley

britney-eagles.jpgIn a strange but sweet turn of events, Britney’s album is not number one on this week’s Billboard charts! The lazy pop star has been beaten by – of all people – soft rocking geezers The Eagles. THE EAGLES! Oh man, karma is sweet and comes in the shape of a bunch of old, graying dudes. They were able to sneak in and whup Brit’s ass after Billboard revised “a policy which considers album sales even when they’re only sold exclusively by one retailer. In this case, Wal-Mart, which had exclusive rights to sell the Eagles disc in its stores and on its Web site, agreed to release its sales numbers.” The guys beat Britney hard – selling 711,000 units compared to her 290,000 – which came in way below the predicted estimate of 330,000-350,000. Maybe it’s time to get out there and start promoting, B!

Brit might want to start saving what money she’s got left, as she’s been ordered to pay her ex-hubby’s legal fees in their custody battle – all $120,000 of them. Legal papers reveal that Kevin Federline is “self-employed as a performing artist” and that “he does not earn any income.” Ha ha ha! Maybe Brit could get Don Henley to help out? He’s surely rolling in dough from all those albums he sold this week! [Image: Getty]

by (@katespencer)

Britney Sells a Whole Lotta Albums

britneyspears1105.jpg

By Guest Blogger Britney J. Spears

Take that, ya’ll! All you people said that just because I have stains on my shirt and eat Taco Bell for every meal and wear the same boots every day that my career was over, but guess what, it ain’t! Ha! My new album is at the top of the charts this week because I am sexy and awesome. I’ve sold 325,000 copies so far. That’s like, a big city of people! That’s probably as many people as in New York, or Disney World, or China! I am awesome! So awesome that I can park in handicapped parking, ya’ll! And it’s not because my acne counts as a handicap (even thought it should), it’s because I park where I feel like, and I don’t care I’m screwing someone who can’t walk out of a parking spot. I’m Britney, you handicapped b*tches!

Next time ya’ll feel like dissin’ me, just remember who is selling a butt load of albums without doing any promotional work for it whatsoever. No tour, no photoshoots, no nothing! I’ll I gotta do is hawk some perform and mess up my kids and you people fawn all over me freaking out. The joke is on you! Oh – that would make a really good album name. I gotta write that in my dream journal. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Hot Pockets are ready and I think I hear my dog barking. Oh – that’s Sean Preston. Oops.

by (@katespencer)

Monday: Transformers Star Gets Hammered & Thrown in Slammer

shia-1105.jpgT-Pain Turns Himself in to Police
That warrant for driving on a suspended license finally caught up with the rapper, who is back home after being released by the cops. [Yahoo]

Shia LaBeouf Gets Drunk & Arrested
The new Lindsay Lohan has emerged – and it’s a dude! How politically correct. [People]

Dog Chapman Booted Off TV
Say goodbye to the Bounty Hunter – A&E has pulled the show indefinitely. It’s not canceled – but it’s not on the air, either.

Britney?s Bad Parenting Skills
Oh now this makes sense – Brit left her kids in the car (monitored, but still) on one of her two visitation days while she went chandelier shopping. Surely the parenting coach has something to say about this! [DListed]

Oprah Finally Speaks About School
The talk show diva is devastated by her South African school’s drama, but is “learning” from the experience. That’s our Oprah! [TMZ]