by (@katespencer)

Britney Spears Hates Don Henley

britney-eagles.jpgIn a strange but sweet turn of events, Britney’s album is not number one on this week’s Billboard charts! The lazy pop star has been beaten by – of all people – soft rocking geezers The Eagles. THE EAGLES! Oh man, karma is sweet and comes in the shape of a bunch of old, graying dudes. They were able to sneak in and whup Brit’s ass after Billboard revised “a policy which considers album sales even when they’re only sold exclusively by one retailer. In this case, Wal-Mart, which had exclusive rights to sell the Eagles disc in its stores and on its Web site, agreed to release its sales numbers.” The guys beat Britney hard – selling 711,000 units compared to her 290,000 – which came in way below the predicted estimate of 330,000-350,000. Maybe it’s time to get out there and start promoting, B!

Brit might want to start saving what money she’s got left, as she’s been ordered to pay her ex-hubby’s legal fees in their custody battle – all $120,000 of them. Legal papers reveal that Kevin Federline is “self-employed as a performing artist” and that “he does not earn any income.” Ha ha ha! Maybe Brit could get Don Henley to help out? He’s surely rolling in dough from all those albums he sold this week! [Image: Getty]

by (@katespencer)

Britney Sells a Whole Lotta Albums

britneyspears1105.jpg

By Guest Blogger Britney J. Spears

Take that, ya’ll! All you people said that just because I have stains on my shirt and eat Taco Bell for every meal and wear the same boots every day that my career was over, but guess what, it ain’t! Ha! My new album is at the top of the charts this week because I am sexy and awesome. I’ve sold 325,000 copies so far. That’s like, a big city of people! That’s probably as many people as in New York, or Disney World, or China! I am awesome! So awesome that I can park in handicapped parking, ya’ll! And it’s not because my acne counts as a handicap (even thought it should), it’s because I park where I feel like, and I don’t care I’m screwing someone who can’t walk out of a parking spot. I’m Britney, you handicapped b*tches!

Next time ya’ll feel like dissin’ me, just remember who is selling a butt load of albums without doing any promotional work for it whatsoever. No tour, no photoshoots, no nothing! I’ll I gotta do is hawk some perform and mess up my kids and you people fawn all over me freaking out. The joke is on you! Oh – that would make a really good album name. I gotta write that in my dream journal. Now if you’ll excuse me, my Hot Pockets are ready and I think I hear my dog barking. Oh – that’s Sean Preston. Oops.

by (@katespencer)

Monday: Transformers Star Gets Hammered & Thrown in Slammer

shia-1105.jpgT-Pain Turns Himself in to Police
That warrant for driving on a suspended license finally caught up with the rapper, who is back home after being released by the cops. [Yahoo]

Shia LaBeouf Gets Drunk & Arrested
The new Lindsay Lohan has emerged – and it’s a dude! How politically correct. [People]

Dog Chapman Booted Off TV
Say goodbye to the Bounty Hunter – A&E has pulled the show indefinitely. It’s not canceled – but it’s not on the air, either.

Britney?s Bad Parenting Skills
Oh now this makes sense – Brit left her kids in the car (monitored, but still) on one of her two visitation days while she went chandelier shopping. Surely the parenting coach has something to say about this! [DListed]

Oprah Finally Speaks About School
The talk show diva is devastated by her South African school’s drama, but is “learning” from the experience. That’s our Oprah! [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Friday: Colbert Canned in Carolina

colbert-1102.jpgColbert Can?t Run for Prez
The South Carolina democrats won’t let the state’s “favorite son” on the presidential ballot. We smell a write in! [DListed]

Eminem Busy with New Babe
So this is what the rapper’s been up to for the past few year’s – getting laid. [NYP]

Britney?s Ex-Manager Sues the Star
Who hasn’t Britney screwed over in the past couple of years? At least she already knows her way around the courthouse. [Us]

Jake and Reese Heat up Halloween
The actor took Reese’s two kids trick-or-treating dressed as a gorilla. It really is love, after all! [Us]

Arrest Expected at Oprah?s School
Let this be a lesson for her school’s students – and the world. Nobody messes with Oprah, b*tches. Nobody! [People]

by (@katespencer)

Thursday: America Wants More of Britney

britney-spears-1101.jpgBritney?s New Album Reaches #1 Spot
You did it girl! Now if only some genius producers could make everything else in your life amazing too. [Us]

Owen Wilson?s Immodest Bathroom Break
Apparently the actor pees with the door open at events so no one thinks he’s inside snorting coke. Someone tell Lindsay Lohan this brilliant plan! [NYP]

Nick Cannon Crushing on Miss USA
The singer/actor dumped his fiancee and is trying to woo with the pageant winner by constantly sending her flowers, chocolates and balloons. Doesn’t he know that stalking isn’t sexy. [NYP]

Joel Madden Ready for Baby with Nicole
Aw cute, Joel’s so excited for his lil’ Richie that he’s printing tiny t-shirts for his kid. Maybe Nicole can borrow them from baby someday! [People]

Paris Getting Rich Doing Nothing
As usual, people are throwing millions at the dumb bombshell just to appear at their events. I’ll pay Paris to come to my party in a cave and tip her to stay forever. [DListed]

by (@katespencer)

Wednesday: Ashley Olsen Makes Out with Lance Armstrong

ashley-olsen-1031.jpgTomKat Ready to Give Suri a Sibling
- Or Katie just needs another friend to hang out with since her old ones are probably banned from their house now. [OK!]

Ashley Olsen Kisses Lance Armstrong
He may not be old enough to be her dad, but he’s tall enough to be her…climbing tree? Is that really sexy? [NYP]

J Lo?s New Flick Gets Panned
Everything Jennifer Lopez does these days is getting booed. She should just tell us that she’s pregnant so we can like something she’s created. [NYP]

Britney Refuses to Promote Album
Brit’s too lazy/crazy/tired/drunk/hungry/cold/spacey/stupid to promote her new album, and her label’s given up on trying to make her work. Psssst – tempt her with Taco Bell. [NYDN]

Reese and Jake?s Love: Real or Fake?
Check out this video of the pair cuddling on the beach and feeding each other. Who does that? People faking a relationship to create buzz for their failing film, perhaps? [TMZ]

by (@katespencer)

Tuesday: No Nicotine for Nicole Richie

nicole-richie-1030.jpgKid Rock Cleared in VMA Fight
Phew – now all the singer has to worry about is the charges from that pesky Waffle House beatdown. [People]

Nicole Richie Negs Smoking Rumor
It was alleged that the starlet was spotted smoking in NYC, but her rep reports that Nic is is nowhere near the east coast. Better take it back before Joel kicks some ass! [Us]

Britney Causes Late-Night Craziness
The singer and her gal pal Alli get pulled over last night and all hell breaks loose – including some drunk dancing on the side of the road. Amazingly, Brit was not the booty shaker – this time. [TMZ]

Did Barack Obama Diss Brad Pitt?

The presidential candidate may have rejected Pitt after the actor offered his endorsement services to Obama’s campaign. Finally – someone who’s not been bitten by the Brangelina bug. [NYDN]

Lindsay Looks Hot for AA Meeting
She looks like she’s going clubbing, but instead she’s sexing up an LA medical Center at her AA meeting. The 12 steps never looked so good (and tan). [x17]

by (@katespencer)

Court Makes Britney Crave Drugs & Sex

britney-spears_1029.jpg“Eat it, lick it, snort it, f*ck it.” Those are the words of Britney Spears, who hooted the tasteful statement at reporters on Friday when asked in the courthouse how her custody hearing was going. Her provocative response offered great insight into how she’s doing — you just need to dig a little deeper into her words to understand her thoughts. Here’s what Brit was trying to tell us:

Eat it: Ohhhhh — we get it. The singer is pissed off at K-Fed’s girlfriend for revealing that her ex freaked when she would guzzle vodka drinks and then breastfeed their boys. Alcohol has nutrients, ya’ll! She was just trying to keep those kids healthy.

Lick it: Britney has a new boy toy — football star Tony Romo — and she wanted us to know what kind of kinky things they may or may not be up too! The two hung out and partied together Friday night after her hearing, toasting Britney’s earlier tears.

Snort it: No, she’s not talking about cocaine! She’d be like, wayyy more obvious about it if she was. She’s trying to tell us how much she was crying during her court hearing on Friday — and not because she may not get her kids back. Brit was just upset that no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her hair and sunglasses to look good!

F*ck it: In this case, Britney means what she says. Eff this crap with her kids — she just wants to party! Chances are when the judge’s ruling comes back this week (presumably in favor of the Fedster), she’ll finally get a chance to celebrate her new life as a single woman. Baby bottles of vodka for everyone! [Image: Getty]

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by (@katespencer)

Monday: Oprah Sorry About Sex Scandal

oprah-winfrey_1029.jpgOprah Apologizes for School Scandal
The media queen feels so awful about the abuse scandal at her South African school that she’s given students her personal phone, email and mailing addresses. Score! [NYDN]

Paris: Skanky & Scary for Halloween
Paris flaunts her ass cheeks for a costume party. It’s the scariest sight of the night! [DListed]

Video: Britney Mobbed at Courthouse
The sketchy starlet gets swarmed as she leaves her custody hearing. We can’t help but feel that she kinda deserves it. [x17]

Jake & Reese: Costumed Cuteness
We admit it – they’re a cute couple, especially when we can’t see their oh-so-perfect faces. [DListed]

Ellen?s Dog Drama Gets Stupid
Do we really give a s**t about Ellen’s dog bowls? Someone put this story to sleep. [NYP]

by (@katespencer)

Brit & K-Fed Doin’ the Nasty in Court Today

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In one corner, weighing the same as 657 cans of Sugar Free Redbull and 17 packs of Kools, is “living legend” Britney Spears! In the other corner, decked out in a brand new, 5 carat pair of cubic zirconia stud earrings, Kevin “Socks with Flops” Federline! Ladies and gentlemen, let the greatest, trashiest custody battle/slug fest of the century begin!

Game Day Breakdown

Start Time: 3 PM. EST today – complete with live streaming video of all the courthouse action!
Location: Los Angeles Superior Court – which is on lockdown.
Surprise Plays: K-Fed and his lawyers have already asked that Britney’s deposition be taped, as she was apparently a real wise-ass during her last appearance in court.
Expected Winner: Federline is looking good – and we already have seen him making winning moves in the past (remember that nice one he pulled marrying a vulnerable, naive millionaire and then snagging all her dough?). But Britney could wow the judge with her revamped parenting skills – just yesterday she took her kids to a pumpkin patch, and she didn’t drive away without them! She also purchased a new swing set – though it could always be for her and not her babies.

GAME ON!