“Eat it, lick it, snort it, f*ck it.” Those are the words of Britney Spears, who hooted the tasteful statement at reporters on Friday when asked in the courthouse how her custody hearing was going. Her provocative response offered great insight into how she’s doing — you just need to dig a little deeper into her words to understand her thoughts. Here’s what Brit was trying to tell us:
Eat it: Ohhhhh — we get it. The singer is pissed off at K-Fed’s girlfriend for revealing that her ex freaked when she would guzzle vodka drinks and then breastfeed their boys. Alcohol has nutrients, ya’ll! She was just trying to keep those kids healthy.
Lick it: Britney has a new boy toy — football star Tony Romo — and she wanted us to know what kind of kinky things they may or may not be up too! The two hung out and partied together Friday night after her hearing, toasting Britney’s earlier tears.
Snort it: No, she’s not talking about cocaine! She’d be like, wayyy more obvious about it if she was. She’s trying to tell us how much she was crying during her court hearing on Friday — and not because she may not get her kids back. Brit was just upset that no matter what she did, she couldn’t get her hair and sunglasses to look good!
F*ck it: In this case, Britney means what she says. Eff this crap with her kids — she just wants to party! Chances are when the judge’s ruling comes back this week (presumably in favor of the Fedster), she’ll finally get a chance to celebrate her new life as a single woman. Baby bottles of vodka for everyone! [Image: Getty]
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Oprah Apologizes for School Scandal
The media queen feels so awful about the abuse scandal at her South African school that she’s given students her personal phone, email and mailing addresses. Score! [NYDN]
Paris: Skanky & Scary for Halloween
Paris flaunts her ass cheeks for a costume party. It’s the scariest sight of the night! [DListed]
Video: Britney Mobbed at Courthouse
The sketchy starlet gets swarmed as she leaves her custody hearing. We can’t help but feel that she kinda deserves it. [x17]
Jake & Reese: Costumed Cuteness
We admit it – they’re a cute couple, especially when we can’t see their oh-so-perfect faces. [DListed]
Ellen?s Dog Drama Gets Stupid
Do we really give a s**t about Ellen’s dog bowls? Someone put this story to sleep. [NYP]
In one corner, weighing the same as 657 cans of Sugar Free Redbull and 17 packs of Kools, is “living legend” Britney Spears! In the other corner, decked out in a brand new, 5 carat pair of cubic zirconia stud earrings, Kevin “Socks with Flops” Federline! Ladies and gentlemen, let the greatest, trashiest custody battle/slug fest of the century begin!
Game Day Breakdown
Start Time: 3 PM. EST today – complete with live streaming video of all the courthouse action!
Location: Los Angeles Superior Court – which is on lockdown.
Surprise Plays: K-Fed and his lawyers have already asked that Britney’s deposition be taped, as she was apparently a real wise-ass during her last appearance in court.
Expected Winner: Federline is looking good – and we already have seen him making winning moves in the past (remember that nice one he pulled marrying a vulnerable, naive millionaire and then snagging all her dough?). But Britney could wow the judge with her revamped parenting skills – just yesterday she took her kids to a pumpkin patch, and she didn’t drive away without them! She also purchased a new swing set – though it could always be for her and not her babies.
Wanna know why Lindsay and Britney are all sorts of effed up? Look no further than the ladies that popped ‘em out. Dina Lohan and Lynne Spears both seem to prefer spending time focusing the spotlight on themselves than helping their kids. And this is why we LOVE them! Because really, can we ever have too many trashy ladies in our life? Even though Lindsay may be hiding out from the paparazzi for the first time in her life, Dina is busy mom-ing for the cameras for her new – what else – reality show! Dina will surely ruin her younger daughter Ali’s life by forcing her to star in it, but her reasons for the sure-to-be flop are true and genuine. ?There are so many misconceptions about me and my family,? Mama Lohan said. ?I?m setting the record straight.? Roughly translated, she means “Money money money money money fame money I’m jealous of Lindsay money money.”
Meanwhile the woman who soiled the world with her Spears spawn is set to write a tell-all book about her “personal story of raising high-profile children while coming from a low-profile Louisiana community.” Will Lynne detail how she enabled one of them to become a coked up divorcee and mom of two by the age of 25? We can only hope! That’s some seriously high-profile shizz!? [Getty]
Paris Hilton Bails on Charity Trip
Big surprise – Paris would rather go shopping than go to Rwanda. The entire African continent is breathing one giant sigh of relief. [People]
Nicole Richie Bashes Hilary Duff
Even moms-to-be like to be catty – the bigger the belly, the bigger the b*tch. [DListed]
Owen Wilson Finally Speaks
The troubled actor is interviewed by director pal Wes Anderson in a chat to be published tonight on Myspace. Yay? [Us]
Brit?s Hit-and-Run Charges Disappear
wash shave those charges right out of her hair! Too bad she’s still in trouble for that whole driving without a license stupidity. [NYDN]
Lindsay Loves Hotel Living
LiLo holes up in a new hotel – because houses are so 2006. Pssst, Linds – so are leggings! [NYP]
“Hi Britney. I’m your parenting coach. I’m here to watch you with your babies.”
Surely that’s how the first meeting between Mama Brit and her parenting coach went – if you believe the latest report that her coach has bashed Britney in her report for the judge in her custody case with K-Fed. The coach’s complaints include:
- Britney ain’t paying no attention to the coach and shows her little respect.
- She’s often in “her own world,” distracted and unfocused.
- She refuses to listen to anyone.
- Britney’s secret language? is made up of five words that each stand for: Frappuccino, Cheetos, car, tanning and get f**ked up.
An inside source claims the report is “very damaging,” but what isn’t these days when Britney is involved? Can it be any worse than her new lips? Doubtful.? [Getty]
Heidi Klum and Seal: Singing Together?
Just what we never wanted to see – Heidi Klum singing with her hubby. Next up: Seal aufs a bunch of designers. [Us]
Nicole Kidman?s Career in the Toilet?
With a bunch of bad films under her belt and her new fantasy flick (that cost $175 million to make) already getting trashed in the press, it might be time for Nicole to stop botoxing her face and stick a little juice in her career. [NYP]
Brit Leaves Back Up Dancers Unpaid
Big surprise – Britney still owes her VMA dancers some cash for their work. Starbucks is expensive ya’ll! [Us]
Baby Shiloh Travels in Style
Shiloh’s spoiled and has already seen more of the world in 17 months than we’ll see in our lifetimes. But at least our parents let us eat sugar cereals! [Ok]
The Many Faces of Lindsay?s New Man
Isn’t it cute how Riley Giles looks totally hot in every one of his four mugshots?! Zexy! [TMZ]
MySpace — it’s not just for hooking up and spying on exes anymore. Now you can save pop stars, or at least that’s what a few concerned former employees of Britney Spears would like to think. BeProactiveToHelp was started by a former back-up dancer, bodyguard and makeup artist who are imploring Britney’s fans to refrain from purchasing her upcoming album Blackout. Referring to Britney as a “very broken woman,” this Coalition of the Concerned is asking fans to put pressure on record executives, Britney’s management and publishing company and MTV in order to discourage coverage. “We feel it best to put some weight on these entities we feel need to be held responsible for allowing Britney, and any ‘over the edge’ entertainer to come back to work when clearly not yet ready to hold down a job.”
If you agree that the pop tart’s career is in a tailspin but still want to give her new tunes a listen, we’re streaming her new album here, a week before it comes out. Check it out, and let us know what you think.
Check out Brit?s New Big Lips
What’s shocking about these pics is not the size of Britney’s newly enhanced lips, but rather how rough her face is looking these days. Ease up on those fake tans, girl. [Us]
Halle Berry Sorry for Rude Remark
A remorseful Halle Berry apologizes for a ‘Jewish joke’ gone wrong on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. [NYP]
J Lo?s Stingy Reputation
Lopez is refusing to pay the bills she racked up providing cars for peeps like her sister while shooting her last flick. Maybe she’s confused – it’s love that don’t cost a thing, not limos. [NYP]
Reese and Jake Kiss – OMG!!!
It’s only taken these two like, a hundred years to finally show some real PDA – and it’s not even scandalous! We won’t see the sex tape until 2065.? [Us]
Tom Cruise Shows Fans Crazy Love
Little Tommy worked the red carpet and schmoozed with fans for two and a half hours at his new film’s premiere. Even the crazy celebs gotta work hard for their money. [Socialite's Life]
Phew ya’ll! Britney’s visitation with her kids has been restored, and the rotten-toothed threesome was spotted on Saturday tooting around Studio City in mommy’s Mercedes with her parenting counselor in the passenger seat (and a giant Starbucks in her hand). This alone begs the question – does Britney know how to do anything with those kids BUT drive them around in her car? Doesn’t she have a swing set she can strap them too? The singer’s super day didn’t start until after the kiddies left her mansion the following morning, when she was finally able to live the life that only exists for us regular folks in dreams. While most of America was doing laundry and scrubbing stains out of their carpets yesterday, Britney was ingesting various sweet things and cooking herself in a tanning bed.? Her day kind of makes you realize that screwed-up millionaires really do have it better, even if their bodies are just vessels packed with wrinkled skin and sugar. Lots and lots of sugar.