by (@katespencer)

Britney May Lose Her Babies & Her Mind

Things that would make any normal 25-year old twice divorced mother-of-two millionaire with crappy hair extensions go crazy:

  1. Your whale of an ex-bodyguard (who you allegedly fired when he didn’t hear you command him to retrieve a hat) coming forward to accuse you of doing drugs and prancing around naked in front of your kids (Mad props to Brit if she does both of these at the same time – that’s so “Jim Morrison cool!”)
  2. Your longtime lawyer and short-time manager quitting on the same day. Cuz your custody battles sucks as much as your career.
  3. Temporarily losing custody of your children. It’s only fun to party when they’re at the mansion with you!
  4. Being showed up by a guy in a cheap wig and control top panties (see boy Britney in the vid above) who performs your VMAs routine better than you did – and looks hotter while doing so. Ouchtastic.

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by (@katespencer)

Monday: Lindsay’s Locked Up and Lovin’ It

lindsay0917.jpgMadonna and Pals Invade Israel
The Kabbalah queen headed to Israel for the new year and brought along a slew of lame Hollywood pals. Rosie O’Donnell and the guy from Dawson’s Creek should not be allowed to ruin another country! [A Socialite's Life]

Lindsay: In Rehab for the Long Haul

The starlet’s committed to hangin’ in ‘hab for another 2-3 months. The food must be really damn good for her to want to stink around that long. [X17]

Britney Just Wants her Babies
Her lawyer claims that Britney just wants to be a mother to her two little boys. We’ll believe it when she closes her legs and starts acting like one. [People]

Paris : Having Kids is ?Retarded?
The heiress dispels rumors that she wants to adopt four blond babies, calling the myth “retarded.” Ah yes – people who talk like a dumb kid probably shouldn’t raise one – or four. [People]

Angelina?s Done With Drugs
Brad’s baby-mama claims that she’s done ‘em all (heroin included) and that pot made her feel the most crazy. Funny – we thought four kids would do that. [DListed]

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Tori Amos Sings Britney a Song

Tori AmosTim‘s weighed in. Kanye‘s got an opinion. And now? Flame-haired piano humper Tori Amos has spoken out on the Britney debacle. At a September 11th concert in Melbourne, Australia, the singer coyly stated, “I have a comment…We’ve all seen it on the news,” remaining oblique enough that fans might have thought she would address the September 11th tragedies, but Amos had another tragedy in mind. She then launched into a brand new song about Britney Spears and the shambles her life has become. “Britney, they set you up/ But you drank from their cup,” Amos crooned, then sang “Well, maybe you?re a mother/ But you still need your mother.” Who knew Tori had a subscription to UsWeekly? Turns out this isn’t the first time Tori’s turned to celeb events for inspiration — she took a swipe at Lindsay Lohan in her song “I’m Not Stupid.”

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by (@katespencer)

Thursday: Brit Sprayed on Fake Abs for VMAs, Mary-Kate Hates Wearing Clothes

britneyspears_0912.jpgBrangelina Bolts From Big Apple
Now you see them, now you don’t. The Bran Clan jets from New York City and heads to…who knows? Disney World? Paris? The moon? They just can’t seem to settle down. [JustJared]

Britney Fakes Her Toned Abs
Reports reveal that the singer used “ab-defining spray” to give the illusion of a toned tummy. Sounds like a Criss Angel magic trick! [Us Weekly]

Eve Thirsty for Free Vodka
Eve’s booze-monitoring ankle bracelet is off, and she’s out celebrating her love of all things alcoholic out on the town. Sounds appropriate – for getting in trouble with the law again.? [NYPost]

Diddy?s Diamonds Goin? to Court

The hip hop mogul is going to court for assault and must bring his diamond rings with him, so his accuser can see if the size and shape of the jewels match his injuries bling-juries. [E Online]

Mary-Kate Olsen Runs Around Naked
The actress takes the lead over her sister in their “Which Twin is More Fun” Contest after revealing that she loves to run around her house dressed only in jewelry. [Us Weekly]

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Britney and Madonna: Terrorist Targets?

brit_madonna.jpg

Britney Spears and Madonna have been threatened with forcible Islamic conversion and, if that doesn’t work, death. The hate-slinging comes courtesy of Muhammad Abdel-Al, mouthpiece and senior leader of the Popular Resistance Committees, a militant Palestinian organization that reps the Gaza Strip. According to a new book, Schmoozing With Terrorists, Mo promises that, “if these two prostitutes keep doing what they will do, we of course will punish them…We can stone them and even we can kill them.” He’s also quoted as having proclaimed:

If I meet these whores I will have the honor ? I repeat, I will have the honor ? to be the first one to cut the heads off Madonna and Britney Spears if they will keep spreading their satanic culture against Islam.

Leave it to religious fundamentalists to take music criticism to a new level. They often get called out by Westerners for being “backwards,” but clearly, they are innovators. [WorldNetDaily / Image credit: Getty]

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by (@katespencer)

Britney’s Fans Are Crazier Than She Is

There’s something so painful about this “Britney Fan” that we dare you to try to watch this clip and not immediately want to crawl under your desk in the fetal position and shut yourself off from the world for a year or too. We did not see tears, as the video’s creator claims exists (yes, we watched it in full screen, it was hellish), but we’re sure Britney could learn a thing or two from Chris Crocker‘s performance skills. We would also like to argue that Britney has indeed performed on a stage recently. Remember those “secret shows” she did? So right. Poor, poor Britney. If we leave her alone, Chris, will you stop making horrifying YouTube videos? K’thanks.

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by (@katespencer)

Brit Chugged Booze Instead of Rehearsing

britneyspears_vmas.jpgNow we know why Brit was stumbling around during her Sunday night VMAs performance – her body wasn’t used to doing the dance steps without a liter of frozen margaritas inside of it. Word is out that Brit was uber-late to her rehearsals in Vegas, and skipped being on time in favor of downing the frozen drink in her hotel room. When she finally made it to her rehearsal over three hours late, she came with an alcoholic bevy in hand. A source said, “She didn’t even get to Las Vegas until 4:30 p.m. It was ridiculous . . . The production people at MTV were freaking out . . . Nobody can tell Britney what to do anymore. No one can control her. She is a mess.”

For more Britastic disasters, tune into VH1 tonight for All Access: Britney’s Most Shocking Year Ever. This new special will take you through the pop tart’s transformation from hot single mama to the bald and boozey flasher she has become in less than twelve months. If you’ve been longing to see Brit attack the paps with her umbrella or ruin her mane with some shaving shears, VH1 has got you covered – tonight at 8:30 PM!

[NYP. Image: Getty]

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by (@katespencer)

Brit’s Excuses: The Dog Ate My Performance

britneyprayer.jpgSure, Britney may have told USA Today that she thought her performance on the VMAs was “good,” but any living creature with eyes who saw the thing knows better - including Brit. Which is why shortly after her crapalicious appearance, the excuses started rolling. Sarah Silverman’s comments upset Brit right before she went on! The heel on her stiletto boot was busted! She fired her hairdresser right before the show started!

We’ve come up with a few more excuse for Brit to use – after all, with a performance that bad, you need someone or something to blame:

Have any other good excuses that Britney could use? Post ‘em for the starlet below!

[Image: Getty]

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VMAs Recap: What Happened in Vegas…

It all started with some ratty extensions…

2007_vmas_10_britney_spears.jpg

…and it only got worse from there. Is this the VMAs or a Rob Zombie movie?

britney_spears_vmas_2.gif

Still too hard to tell.

Britney’s trainwreck more or less set the tone for the rest of last night’s show, which was supposed to be a new-and-improved version of the Video Music Awards. Mostly, it just felt schizophrenic, with its performers scattered through a series of “parties” at the Palms Hotel in Las Vegas. Though less ceremonious in general (gone away, for the most part, were performer introductions, thankfully) and about as short as you could possibly expect an awards show to be (just over two hours, double thankfully), this year’s VMAs was a series of quick cuts and excerpted performances. It felt like a parody of MTV and the short-attention-span generation the network supposedly spawned. The awards show is what would happen if ADHD got ADHD. (And what’s worse — they gypped us out of what was undoubtedly the best part of the night: the Kid Rock-Tommy Lee tussle.)

After the jump, we recount some highlights. And by “highlights,” more times than not, we mean “lowlights.”

Read more…

by (@katespencer)

Britney Spears Goes For the Man Meat

She may have forgotten how to dance and lipsync, but at least Brit’s still good at some of her old tricks. And doesn’t this dude look a tad like JT?

Britney?s Ball Grab!

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