The Vital Contributions Jersey Shore Made to Society

Don't act like it didn't change your life.

I don’t know about you, but the brilliant entertainment known as Jersey Shore enriched, and maybe even changed, my life. Why? First off, it made me feel OK about my questionable life choices and even encouraged my ratchet college behavior. Which I do not regret at all. Second, I wouldn’t be nearly as enthusiastic about doing laundry as I am today. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Snooki, the Situation, and our other drunken friends at the shore—wise beyond their years—taught us a lot about life, and we probably wouldn’t be where we are today without them. Here’s what they gave society and why we owe them a lifetime of gratitude.

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  • 1 Hot tub etiquette
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    Before Shore, wondering how many people it’s cool to make out with in a hot tub at once kept me up at night. Now I know. The answer is infinity and I can finally get some shut-eye.

  • 2 The holy practice of “GTL” (gym, tan, laundry)
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    I was basically a sewer rat before making this process part of my daily, sometimes hourly, routine.

  • 3 Abundant abbreviations and acronyms
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    These days, your fingers are so tired, they can’t even bother typing out full words like “very.” (Which, BTW, I’m v OK with.) But before IMO, GTFO, bae, and your other crucial life abbreviations existed, these guys showed us the convenience of using them.

  • 4 Limitless terms of endearment
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    In fact, when it comes to bae, you’re encouraged to be creative.

  • 5 Playing easy to get
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    You have drinks to drink, and gorillas to smoosh. You don’t have time for that bullshit.

  • 6 No, seriously. Playing hard to get is, like, really overrated.
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    Just get to the point already.

  • 7 Killing with kindness
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    It’s the only way to get by, really.

  • 8 The equivalence of watching your friend in a fight and throwing punches for your friend in a fight
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    They know you care.

  • 9 Increased awareness of when friends are trying to bone
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    These guys were so considerate, they had a whole room designated for their roomies ready for penetration and smooshing. That’s love.

  • 10 Wingman appreciation
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    You’re so intoxicated half the time, you can’t even see a grenade before it’s about to blow up in your face. Your peeps are looking out and preventing you from becoming yet another nightclub casualty.

  • 11 The correct number of fucks that need to be given to be employed: zero
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    Who knows, maybe you’ll even get a raise for harassing innocent customers and/or napping in the stock room. Are you relieved or what?

  • 12 The dangers of fist-pumping too hard
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    It’s easy to let it get the best of you, but now you know. So, take it down a notch before someone gets hurt by your eager, yet totally suave, dance moves.

  • 13 Lastly, the non-existence of peak douche
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    In fact, the douchier, the better. Just bring it all out. Sure, everyone will act like they want to constantly smash your face in with a frying pan, but deep down, they really love you.

Thank you for making us better, JS. Until we meet again.

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Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber