10 Movies About Sex That Are Anything But Sexy

Ironic or nah?

Hollywood has somehow managed to create movies about sex that actually manage to turn me off. Yes, it’s possible and unfortunately it happens more often than not, friends. For starters, losing your virginity isn’t sexy. One-night stands are sexy until they become mushy, unrealistic love stories that make me want to throw my remote at the TV. You get the point. Here are movies about lovemaking that somehow make it seem like the least appealing activity on the planet.

  • 1 The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
    Universal
    When I think action figures and video games, I do not think sex. Or do I…?

  • 2 Love & Other Drugs (2010)
    20th Century Fox
    Seeing studly Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway be beautiful, hot, and naked together was sexual until Anne’s character’s Parkinson’s progressed aggressively and I just felt sad and concerned. Is it still OK to have sex with her? Will he hurt her? Kill her? I’m squirming uncomfortably.

  • 3 The First Time (2012)
    Samuel Goldwyn Films
    I’ll say it again. Losing your virginity ISN’T SEXY. IDC who you are. At that point, you barely know where the p is supposed to go. It is awkward and makes me shrivel up inside just thinking about it.

  • 4 Knocked Up (2007)
    20th Century Fox
    Now I’m just paranoid about getting impregnated. Not by a lazy pothead bum with whom I wouldn’t repopulate the human race even if I had to, but by, like, anybody.

  • 5 No Strings Attached (2011)
    Paramount
    Romance, feelings, and all that shit defeat the purpose of friends with benefits. Let’s just get to penetration with you showing up at my work with balloons. I can’t.

  • 6 Friends with Benefits (2011)
    Screen Gems
    Same case as the sad example we just saw. Was sort of fun until I witnessed the father with dementia and just got GD depressed. Like, why did it have to go there?

  • 7 American Pie (1999)
    Universal
    I’m sorry, but there is nothing sexy about getting caught masturbating by your parents. In fact, I don’t see how you could ever touch yourself again after that traumatic experience and the inevitable PTSD that follows.

  • 8 Sex Tape (2014)
    Columbia
    This movie and the iCloud took all the fun out of getting your enthusiastic, method sex acting on tape, and quite frankly I’m now fucking terrified.

  • 9 Don Jon (2013)
    Relativity Media
    I was fine with watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt jerk off like a crack addict, but things got weird when he started boning the older, enlightened lady played by Julianne Moore. I’m sorry, I couldn’t get into the weirdness of it. Not even a little.

  • 10 Easy A (2010)
    Screen Gems
    The whole movie is about sex, yet no one actually has sex. Still want my $13.25 back.

Pizza is bae. And yes, I still say bae.
@taylorferber