We Made Our Intern Binge-Watch Season One of Flavor of Love. This Is His Story.

What a long, strange trip this will be.

By Bobby Caruso

Some people grew up on The Fairly Odd-Parents and Hannah Montana. I grew up watching Flavor of Love which explains a lot, when you think about it. Being an intern at VH1, you could say there’s the “when in Rome” mentality, so when I was assigned to watch the show again, I was pretty excited.

Then I realized that I would be watching the entire first season in one sitting. There is no way this will be good for my mental health.

Episode 101

  • Oh my God. The title of this episode is “15 Beds and a Bucket of Puke.” There’s literally no way this will end well and the announcer’s voice is much deeper and more ridiculous than I remember.
  • VH1
  • Flavor Flav’s grand entrance is totally modest.
  • VH1
  • Direct quote while explaining the premise of the show.
  • VH1
  • Annnnd we have our first set of tears. GIRL YOU CAN’T CRY, WE’RE ONLY SIX MINUTES IN…Flav literally walked in, hugged you, and now you’re all emotional.
  • VH1
  • YASSSSSSS It’s time for them all to get names! Well, I mean these nice ladies had real names, but it’s time for them to be taken away and be given a pet name that’s probably somewhat degrading.
  • Without any rhyme or reason this first girl got “Oyster” and she is NOT HAVING IT.
  • VH1
  • Uh….Flav….
  • This lyrical poet just said she has “big nipples on her breasts.” Is there somewhere else you have small nipples?
  • VH1
  • One poor girl couldn’t even get a name. This has been the most awkward moment of the show so far.
  • Pumkin and New York are sitting together making a connection before Flav sits in between them. Ah, what could have been.
  • VH1
  • Picasso just said she likes to masturbate…Now there’s a group of them discussing porn. WHAT THE HELL?
  • VH1
  • Goldie is TURNT
  • And now she’s puking. We’re gonna save you that image, but trust us with this one.
  • VH1
  • It’s almost the moment truth. Which five desperate aspiring actress-models who “aren’t here to make friends” will go home first.
  • Ugh, Hottie got the first clock and she is the most annoying one.
  • Eliminated: Bubblez, Shellz, Smokey, Picasso, Cherry.

    Episode 102

  • One down, ten to go.
  • Goldie asked New York a question and somehow that led to Rain screaming bloody murder.
  • VH1
  • Oyster became Red Oyster at some point
  • VH1
  • New York just told Pumkin to get a face lift and ish got real.
  • VH1
  • Pumkin is crying in Flav's arms now. New York had this reaction.
    VH1
  • On their date, New York is falling on purpose so Flav picks her up. You gotta do what you gotta do.
  • VH1
  • The girls decide to confront Miss Latin about her boyfriend she only broke up with one week ago. The house reacts with various facial expressions.
  • VH1
  • Meanwhile, screaming happens over dinner… which causes one of the girls to get upset.
  • And of course, Goldie swooped in with her comedic timing…
  • Giphy
  • Oh, and Rain was not happy that New York stayed.
  • Eliminated: Georgia, Rain, Dimplez, Miss Latin, Apples

    Episode 103

  • Time for a Flav-o-gram. Flav says that the girls will meet some of his very old friends. Their guesses include President Clinton, Madonna, and Chuck D. The reality is much different.
  • VH1
  • And they were dressed, well…
  • VH1
  • Don’t worry, the girls were surely put to work.
  • VH1
  • Goldie, Hoopz and Company teach Pumkin how to dance like less of a white girl.
  • Meanwhile Sweetie tells Flav she won’t kiss him for three weeks.
  • VH1
  • Back at the house, New York’s jacket goes missing and she confronts Hottie. Of course, Goldie is there for the best facial reactions.
  • VH1
  • Who tells her that friends think she looks like BeyoncĂ©…
  • New York counters that she looks like Luther Vandross. You know what to do Goldie…
  • VH1
  • New York decides that she should go on the second date of the episode…even though she already went on the first.
  • VH1
  • Again, Goldie stole my heart. She doesn’t like it so much when OTHER people throw up, which is exactly what happened. Of course she had a witty comment and said “I can feel what he’s going through.”
  • VH1
  • If Pumkin says she’s a a substitute teacher and cheerleading coach one more time, I might kill her.
  • As Hoopz threatens to throw her basketball at New York’s face, she becomes the protagonist of the season.
  • VH1
  • Red Oyster opens her mouth again, this time to tell Flav that Serious is only on the show to be a model. I feel like this big-mouth ish is gonna get old.
  • Eliminated: Peaches and Serious.

    Episode 104

  • Hottie starts the episode wearing this. No context is given.
  • VH1
  • Best quote of the episode so far comes from Smiley. “Flav mentioned about going to church. About the only thing I ever did was just pray in bed, and I didn’t even get on my knees…Well not for that anyways.”
  • New York commented on Hottie’s outfit looking like the devil. And we miss this kind of CGI on television.
  • VH1
  • They go on a date with Flav’s mom. Spoiler: Nothing interesting happens.
  • I guess technically this is all a spoiler. Shout out if you’ve made it this far with me. It’s starting to all become very delusional.
  • New York has a moment when she finds Hoopz and Pumkin in Flav’s bed.
  • VH1
  • Next the girls were tasked with making Flav the best chicken possible…
  • We aren’t too sure about Hottie’s culinary skills…
  • Cue Goldie’s response…
  • HOTTIE, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? FLAV ASKED FOR CHICKEN!
  • VH1
  • Goldie, you always know how I feel. If you’re still single girl…
  • Eliminated: Sweetie

    Episode 105

  • They’re going to Vegas.
  • I’m going insane.
  • The girls tried their hand at roulette, I was rooting for Goldie obviously.
  • VH1
  • New York hit it big, winning a date and obviously pissing off everybody.
  • So the other girls went to a strip club, because what else would you do with free time? Goldie’s golden quote this time? “Even the stripper is laughing at us, that’s bad.”
  • VH1
  • Just gonna leave this here.
  • VH1
  • Is it too late to give Goldie a spinoff?
  • I would apologize for all the Goldie commentary, but she’s the only one who’s keeping my sanity intact.
  • I’m pretty sure Flav just said he was going to smell the girls. Oh, yeah…he definitely did.
  • VH1
  • Pumkin called New York fat in her confessional, so this rivalry is really starting to heat up.
  • To recap, New York fell off a stage while straddling the floor, Flav licked all the girls, and Smiley got topless.
  • VH1
  • New York got a knife, and everything went to hell.
  • There was no elimination this episode, but Red Oyster decided to leave after her father was in an accident. Shucks. (Red Oyster pun.)

    Episode 106

  • There are six girls left…Why is Hottie still here? Riddle me that.
  • Flav was watching ’another reality show’ and then he got Goldie, Hoopz, Smiley, and Pumkin to come to his bed.
  • Turns out Hottie’s trifling ass was on Blind Date and talked about how she wanted a sugar daddy.
  • And apparently Pumkin was on Blind Date too.
  • I’m way too invested at this point.
  • Brigitte Nielsen…the hell you doing here? And why do you keep calling him Foofy? Oh, lie detector tests. That’s rational.
  • Hottie basically lied on every question
  • The girls then got ready to go out for dinner
  • Brigitte was feeling some type of way about Hoopz and she is taking no prisoners.
  • WHEN DID PUMKIN GET BRAIDS? Who let this happen?
  • Smiley’s yelling about something. I should care.
  • Eliminated: Hottie and Smiley.

    Episode 107

  • There’s only four left!
  • We are so close!
  • New York is talking about how much she hates the girls while Goldie is sad she can’t spend her date with the other girls.
  • She’s too cute.

  • They’re trying to do yoga which really isn’t working too well.
  • Although, this is exactly what it looked like when I tried to do yoga.
  • OKAY, this is no longer yoga.
  • They all were maybe having too much fun.
  • How you gonna take two of them to a spa resort and take the others to the zoo.
  • Flav is finally getting friendly with Goldie… But New York may try to cut that up.
  • I’m too delirious for puns.
  • He decided to spend the night with Goldie and New York is having a three-minute existential crisis.
  • Wait….No! HOW CAN YOU GET RID OF GOLDIE?
  • If I wasn’t already so emotionally invested I would definitely turn back.
  • Eliminated: Goldie

    Episode 108

  • The parents are here, which is no fun now. On the other hand, I would have loved to see Goldie or Hottie’s parents…for very different reasons.
  • Gourmet meals are in order. At Medieval Times.
  • And this is Hoopz’ face when she realizes that Flav may fall for her mom instead.
  • You know, Pumkin and New York have been getting along much better this episode. They do a good job of gossiping about Hoopz together.
  • I really miss Goldie.
  • Pumkin started instigating New York, which we both know isn’t going to end well for either one of them. I say both assuming there’s someone still reading this. Thank you for holding on to check if I was still alive by the end of this. I’m doing all right, actually.
  • All right is a pretty relative term.
  • Nevermind, New York’s parents are here. I’m doing great for the moment.
  • New York’s mother just called her fat on national television. Why was this not an outrage?
  • And she also told New York she will not “Ever, ever, ever, ever …….. ever” marry Flav.
  • We all know this elimination is the one that really counts…
  • PUMKIN you’re so aggravating if you left this wouldn’t have happened!
  • You acting all sly by going over to hug Hoopz before confronting New York
  • And then…
  • The best moment of reality TV
  • Was among us.
  • Basically the most iconic reality TV moment ever.
  • is Lauren Weissler for VH1/artwork by Casey Kauffmann
  • And this is exactly why they’ve beefed up security for shows like Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. New York really could’ve killed Pumkin if she put in a little more effort. Shout out for self-control, boo-boo.
  • Eliminated: Pumkin

    Episode 110 *Episode 109 was a recap.

  • Well now that that happened…
  • There’s only two left and there’s no way this episode will be nearly as exciting.
  • They’re going to Mexico. At this point you’re gonna have to do a lot to keep my interest, so the ball is in your court ladies.
  • At their last meal of sorts, Flav doesn’t seem to know what to do when Hoopz and New York argue about which one of them is more fake.
  • New York, why you cry so damn much?
  • Since they’ve exhausted their dating options on land, Flav decided to go zip-lining.
  • Hoopz was NOT happy with her hair.
  • While New York, on the other hand was loving every minute of it.
  • Nothing like some last minute arguments
  • In the end, Hoopz won grillz that lasted longer than her relationship…
  • And New York would be forever salty…Until season 2, when she would be the runner-up again
  • And I’m now going to do some soul searching, I think I need it after all of this.
  • Winner: Hoopz
    Runner-up: New York
    Honorable Mention: Me, for making it through alive.