Pop

When These Actors + Actresses Tried To Sing, It Resulted In Crimes Against Music

GUILTY!

-By Michael Arceneaux

When I read that actress Tisha Campbell-Martin had released a new single, I was genuinely excited. I don’t remember much from the Martin alum’s 1993 debut album, Tisha, but I do remember “Push” and repeated its hook – “Push, you got to push/You got to push until you get it right” – every year of my life since hearing it. Unfortunately, “Steel Here” is not the move. The track has a whole lot going on and it needs no more than a third of it, no shade.

That aside, there are far worse songs from her fellow thespians, hence a needed reflection. Please note that I included reality stars. Boo and hiss all you want, boo-boo, but if we’re being honest, networks budgets have been slashed, actors have been out of work so reality stars have been cashing in and making the mistakes of their trained thespian TV colleagues. We can’t exclude them, especially if they’re just as terrible.

  1. Scarlett Johansson, “I Don’t Want To Grow Up” (2008)

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    She’s pretty, but doesn’t have an amazing voice, which actually makes Scarlett Johansson a primate candidate for pop stardom. Unfortunately, much like the dude from Baywatch, she had no business covering this song. No, girl. No.

  2. Terrence Howard, “Sanctuary” (2008)

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    Howard can sing, and considering he co-writes every song on his debut album that y’all didn’t buy, is naturally musically-inclined. Even so, I could never take his songs outside of “Whoop That Trick” seriously (and that can be attributed to the genius of Three Six Mafia) because there is just something about the way he sings. He sounds like he’s running through a haunted house, trying to scream but remembering the lesson his mom instilled in him about using your inside voices.

  3. Eddie Murphy featuring Michael Jackson, “Whatzupwitu” (1993)

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    There are certain songs you know are going to be terrible simply by their titles. Case in point, Eddie Murphy’s “Whatzupwitu,” a cheesy song that had an even cheesier video. Now, many born in the 1980s may look on this with fondness because the track features Michael Jackson’s vocals. Don’t be fooled, though. This song is trash sprayed with Febreze. The lavender scent wears off pretty quickly and 22 years later, you wonder why this song happened and why Murphy and Jackson had to involve the Harlem Boys Choir.

  4. David Hasselhoff, “Hooked On A Feeling” (1997)

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    Technically, all of David Hasselhoff’s music falls under this category, but this song was especially offensive because it’s a cover — meaning this man knew exactly how this song was supposed to sound and recorded a spin anyway. Rude.

  5. Paris Hilton featuring Birdman, “High Off Your Love” (2015)

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    Confession: I do not totally hate Paris Hilton’s first single, “Stars Are Blind.” But I can confirm that I hate this song. Why is her voice digitized to the point that even Britney Spears would go, “Damn, sis? Really?” Why is Birdman on this song? Yes, he gave her a record deal, but that’s not an acceptable answer.

  6. Kim Kardashian, “Jam (Turn It Up)” (2011)

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    I sincerely had high hopes for Kim Kardashian, recording artist. When she said she would be doing a song with The-Dream, in my mind, I conjured up the image of a modern day Prince and Apollonia. Instead, we got “Jam (Turn It Up),” which offered anemic vocals (not a turn off, given the aforementioned comparison) with such a lack of energy (the real problem here).

  7. Amber Rose feat. Wiz Khalifa, “Fame” (2012)

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    For a very few short minutes, Amber Rose was thought to be a music artist. There was “Loaded,” which gave you teases of Kesha when she still liked having the $ sign in her name. There was also “Fame” with her former husband. That one sounded like an after school special closing song sang by a very enthusiastic nine-year-old trying to hold it all together as mommy looks on glowingly—all recorded with her iPhone 4. I prefer songs more so in the key of Trina, but you win some, you lose some.

  8. Gwyneth Paltrow, “Country Strong” (2010)

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    I don’t want to ruin my potential friendship with Beyoncé, and Paltrow isn’t technically bad, but I also find her annoying sometimes so I wanted to be petty and include her.

  9. Naomi Campbell, Baby Woman album (1994)

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    Nay-Nay herself will acknowledge that the singing thing was probably not the right idea. There are defenders of her one and only album, however. We had to include one model, and Baby Woman wasn’t as good as Tyra Banks’ “Shake Ya Body.” Sorry, Naomi.

  10. Sheree Whitfield, “Who Gon’ Check Me Boo?” (2011)

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    This sounded way better in theory than in practice, but the song mirrors Chateau Sheree: Lots of stuff lying around on the plot, but never living up to its promise.

Oh, and I don’t know how to classify Nicki Minaj’s ex-boyfriend, Safaree. But his new diss aimed at Minaj and Meek Mill is cartoonishly bad. Not so much in lines as it is delivery. Rap stardom won’t be happening for you, dude. But God bless or something.