We can all agree that every aspect of a horror movie is so beyond extreme. And by every, we mean the sex and the gore — things that are polar opposites, but paired together as a horror flick hallmarks. But what’s the point of the completely random scenes of moaning and bare boobs in these terrifying scenarios? Is it to act as relief (literally) from the scariness? To build suspense? To be the most undercover form of birth control ever?
We may not ever truly figure it out, but until we do, we recommend you don’t have sex when a psycho killer is outside your door, in the woods, or under your bed. Sadly, getting down to business in a horror flick is almost always a sign that your time is done. After taking a look at sex scenes from movies like Friday the 13th and Jason Goes to Hell, unplanned pregnancy will quickly become the most desirable outcome of your sexcapades.
Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993)
Having sex in the woods is just a bad idea to begin with. If the mysterious animals and bugs aren’t enough to creep you out, the psycho killer should be. One minute you’re moaning in pleasure, the next you’re cut in half. When you play, you pay, right?
Cabin Fever (2002)
Fellas, next time you get completely grossed out when it’s your girl’s time of the month, think of this as the alternative.
Bride of Chucky (1998)
Chucky may have gotten some, but we’re still not convinced this changed his icy, cold, plastic heart. Once a serial killer doll, always a serial killer doll, amiright?
Embrace of the Vampire (1995)
A young Alyssa Milano is tied to a bed in a vampire orgy. This is just voluntarily setting yourself up to get your shit rocked, and probably not in a good way. If we learned anything from Edward Cullen it was that vampires go completely insane when getting it on. They break the bed headboard, and next thing you know it could be your neck.
Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
We know by now that Jason loves killing people in the middle of intercourse. Since this was just the second installment of the franchise, we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and pretend they didn’t know. What naïve souls.
Friday the 13th (2009)
In this scene, aka soft porn, this couple is sexy but seriously stupid. Who has sex in the house of Jason ON the eve?! Julianna Guill’s character ends up getting slaughtered but at least he let them finish.
The Hunger (1983)
It’s hard to resist temptation, but knowing a vampire (Catherine Deneuve) wants your blood for eternal youth should sway you to refrain. Too bad Sarah (Susan Sarandon) obviously couldn’t.
This scene takes fetish to a whole new level. Your fears of going to the doctor are now completely justified.
Young Frankenstein (1974)
It might be best to steer clear of getting intimate with a manmade monster who could kill you in one punch and feel no remorse.
The Cabin in the Woods (2012)
Jules (Anna Hutchison) and Curt (Chris Hemsworth) share an intimate moment in the woods, before being interrupted by zombies. They clearly didn’t watch The Final Friday, or else they’d know how dangerous woods sex turns out.
Angel Heart (1987)
Who needs candles to set the mood when you have satanic rituals? When the rain turns to blood, it is quite literally an equal combination of horror and sex. The funny part is they keep going until they finish, regardless of the blood tsunami around them. That’s stamina.
[Photo Credit: Paramount]