We’ve seen the dick pics. We’ve seen the bulges. But how well endowed are celebrities like Brad Pitt and P. Diddy, really? A recent study declared the official average length of an erect penis to be 5.16 inches, with circumference of 4.59 (and 3.6 inches long, 3.66 inches around when flaccid, in case you were wondering). We’re not sure how these male celebs measure up exactly, but we’re going to do our best to try and guess. We did some investigating, and whether these claims are complete fallacies or an attempt at revenge by an ex (cough Kim Mathers), this is what we found.
Ashton Kutcher: In 2008, Kutcher’s late ex-girlfriend Brittany Murphy joked about the relationship between him and his then-wife Demi Moore on David Letterman: “To him age doesn’t matter and to her size doesn’t matter.” Followed by multiple “Kidding!” assurances, obviously.
Brad Pitt: Pitt’s ex Juliette Lewis was out at a bar when she claimed, “He was no… BIG deal, if ya know what I mean!” When a crowd member asked her to clarify his situation, she reportedly laughed so hard she banged into a table. Later, his Ocean’s co-star George Clooney jokingly (?) put a “Small Penis on Board” sticker on his car. Haters gonna hate.
Enrique Iglesias: Iglesias isn’t packing and he’s not ashamed. He always references his small manhood, one time saying, “The next product I’m gonna put my name on is extra-small condoms. I can never find extra-small condoms, and I know it’s really embarrassing for people, you know, from experience. Hopefully people won’t be ashamed when I step forward.” You can run, you can hide, and his penis still won’t be there.
Jude Law: After we learned Law was having an affair with his nanny, things got even worse when pics of his penis were revealed. Publications like Page Six were not impressed, comparing his “meager manhood” to George Costanza’s “shrinkage” in Seinfield. Woof.
Shia LaBeouf: In a 2009 interview, the former Disney star told Playboy about losing his virginity: “It put her at a weird angle, where I couldn’t get in correctly. I’m not extremely well-endowed… and clearly this wasn’t the move.”
Nick Cannon: Before he was set to be Mr. Mariah Carey, Cannon’s ex Selita Ebanks said “no comment” when asked about his size in this amazing 2011 throwback interview. We’re guessing she’s sparing him the embarrassment.
Eminem: In 2007, Eminem’s estranged ex-wife Kim Mathers a Detroit radio station that he was “not very well-endowed” and that sex with him was downright “bad.” Her advice: “If you’re going to have sex with Marshall, make sure you have a little blue pill, because otherwise it does not work.” That’s low.
Daniel Radcliffe: The Harry Potter star went full-frontal in Equus. He blamed on-stage shrinkage on stage fright, saying his member “tighten[ed] up like a hamster.” Hey, at least he had the balls to be nude on stage.
Daniel Craig: Craig’s Casino Royale co-star Dame Judi Dench claimed his penis was “[an] absolute monster,” following up with, “Sorry, I shouldn’t say that, should I? How uncouth of me.” However, the actor also admitted to having “four or five” stunt penises. So…
Calvin Klein models leave very little to the imagination, so do you prefer them clothed or nah?
Diddy: Diddy’s junk was deemed “medium”-sized according to tell-all book Confessions of a Video Vixen. In case you were wondering, she says his bed expertise is just “average.”
Nelly: Nelly’s penis is also rumored to be “medium” in size according to Steffans. Not too insightful, but it’s all we got.
50 Cent: In her book, Steffans says 50 Cent is supposedly “medium-long” down there. Not bad.
Justin Bieber: There has been much speculation about the size of Justin Bieber’s penis after the alleged Photoshop debacle with Calvin Klein earlier this year. Brave souls — like Brazilian model Tati Neves, who claimed “he’s well-endowed and very good in bed” — have come to his defense. Therefore, we concluded that it’s probably average.
Ben Affleck: In 2014, about peeking at Affleck’s member at the urinal. “Yes, I peeked. And yes, Comic Con, he can play Batman.” We saw a little side action of his member in Gone Girl, so let us reemphasize that Lorre joked. It was nice, but we weren’t blown away.
Colin Farrell: Thanks to his sex tape, we’ve seen the proof. It’s nice, but nothing that will shock and awe you. They breed ’em well in Ireland.
Common: The Oscar winner is “long but too skinny,” in Steffan’s opinion. Therefore, we averaged it at a medium size.
Chris Brown: There are no arguments to be made here. Chris Brown has a huge dong and we have the pic to prove it.
Trey Songz: Same thing can be applied to this beautiful man. Look no further.
David Beckham: We refuse to believe those H&M billboards and are Photoshopped. We’ve seen his under-the-pants bulge, which means we basically know it’s the real, gifted deal.
Jay Z: Jay Z is “real thick and juicy” according to Karrine Steffans. She then took five steps backwards with: “You can’t stand looking at him when he’s on top.” We bet Queen Bey will fight her on that one.
Eddie Murphy: In the book Penis Size and Enlargement, author Gary Griffin describes the actor as being “very well hung, [in the] 8-9 [inches] range.”
John Mayer: It turns out Mayer has the goods to back up the cockiness. Maybe. An ex-girlfriend was overheard saying, “His body actually is a wonderland.” We know it probably isn’t his shining personality, so there has to be a reason these girls flock to him right?
Will Smith: Steffan’s book says Will Smith’s member is “long.” That’s all we need to know about that.
Snoop Dogg: Not only is Snoop’s penis “big,” but Steffans deemed it “too long.” Is that a bad thing?
Timbaland: Timbaland’s peen may be “long and fat” but Steffans said that he “can’t f–k.” So, we’re assuming that’s not a compliment?