spiels on glistening jewels, rare baseball cards, and miraculous air purifiers. Comedian Sean Masterson, creator of VSPOT's Home Purchasing Club, agrees.
"We had to watch so much home shopping before we did this show," he said from his Los Angeles HQ. "The world it creates is so bizarre. They treat it like it's so normal that after awhile the creepiness disappears and you accept it as real. They really work their magic on you!"
Masterson and co-writer Jonathan Mangum discovered the power of the home shopper when they were touring with Drew Carey's Improv All-Stars. "Every time we did anything 'home shopping'-related the entire crowd went ape sh*t," he recalls. "It's because everybody understands the universe you're mocking."
Their online spoof doesn't miss a beat, even if products like Baby No Go and the One Size Fits All collection do seem a little too close to the truth. With that in mind, we asked Masterson about the great moments in shopping history. He took us on a tour that extended from Telly Savalas to Richard Simmons and back, via The Knife Show.
The Knife Show
The title says it all. It looks like it's shot with a 1980's VHS cam out of a garage in Georgia. The guys presenting it look like they are half in the bag, and they play it like, "It's us against the management." They'll go, "Management doesn't want us to sell 'em out at this price, but we're going to do it because it's what we want to do!" So if you buy a knife, you're striking a blow for the little man. My favorite line was, "It's Christmas in July. And I have never had more respect for a product in my life." More respect for a product? Is Tom O'Dell having a nip in-between showing off swords? I don't know, but I'm just glad they're not surgeons. The co-host accidentally stabbed himself? You can't top that.
Ol' Blue Eyes Gives His Pals a Few Treats
A guy who used to work for one of the home shopping clubs told us, "You wouldn't believe the number of celebrities that would buy from us. Frank Sinatra use to order from us all the time. He had a list of friends that he'd send stuff to!" Frank would phone up and go, "Yeah, I want 30 of them, send them to this person." At four in the morning, there's a home shopping operator talking to Frank Sinatra!
Infomercials
I've only ever bought one thing from an infomercial. They were these video phones that had been originally created in the early '90s. They were originally $600 each and by the mid-1990s, they were being blown out for $99 each. I was like, "Well, that's a deal!" I think I used it once. I lived in Chicago and thought that it would be cool for my mom to see me when I phoned her! It wasn't that complicated, but it was too complicated for mom to use. All you had to do was push a button. But for parents that's like, impossible!
Player's Club International
My favorite infomercial was the old Telly Savalas "Players Club" spots. There would be Telly Savalas, open shirt, very Kojak looking. He'd say, "You ever wanted to go to places and just be treated differently? Player's Club, baby." I think it was started by the Merv Griffin hotels and casinos. He'd continue, "You'll get in there at 30 and 40 percent off when other people can't even get a room." It was all about how a simple plastic card would elevate you into Telly's world and separate you from the poor shmucks who didn't fill out the form and pay $99 bucks. Somebody took it over after Telly died in 1994, but for six months after he died, they were still showing his advertisements!
Richard Simmons
The early Richard Simmons' infomercials were hilarious, but then he got better. He'd gotten so good at doing those infomercials that they weren't that funny anymore. The set was so cheap. He used to have these people that would tell him these tragic things like, "I'm too fat to fit in the ride at the roller coaster when the fair comes to town." He'd be nodding along, looking like he was one step away from cracking up.
Real Dolls on eBay
I once saw a real doll for sale on eBay. A guy in Texas was selling his. His ad said, "Getting married. Got to get rid of my real doll." No kidding! "She's been in storage for the last two years. Her breast is torn, her thigh is dislocated." This real doll was really beat up. "They give you a fixing kit. I have two and you can fix her breasts," he wrote, "I hope that whoever gets her treats her a bit better than I did." I'm thinking, "God almighty! I want to tell his future wife about this." Then he writes, "Really. This is one of them situations where my loss truly is your gain." I swear it wasn't written for comedy. It was so disturbing because it was serious.
Joan Rivers Hawks Jewelry on QVC
The last time I saw Joan on QVC it wasn't a great appearance. I don't know if it was medication or booze, but she wasn't all there. It was a little disconcerting because literally she'd mutter a sentence and her pitch woman would translate for us. "That's right! It's an amazing value!" It's so funny when you watch the non-celebrity sales people deal with the phone calls. Callers talk to them like they're friends. They'll say things like, "It is so good to see you back on Sundays. We missed you!" They're like evangelists. Selling is selling. If you want to talk to God, you don't need a middle man. But if you feel like you do, well, they're going to explain why.
