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Take a cast of pretty 20-somethings. Drop them in an exotic location. Add 40 Mai Tais and a couple of cases of Corona. Throw in a dash of promiscuity and an MTV camera crew, and voilà! You have the new season of "The Real World." Oh, wait. You
Yep, forget Heidi and Spencer's "real-life" nuptials from this past weekend. That's so five seconds ago. The big news in my life is that Audrina and Brody are officially friends with benefits! And we have the "Hills" writers and the lovely state of Hawaii to thank. I wonder if the Hawaiian Tourism Board will print new brochures to commemorate this momentous occasion? It all started with Audrina and the girls crashing Brody's Hawaiian surf-and-sun bro-cation. Lauren "It's All About Me" Conrad chirped, "You guys woulda missed us the whole time!" Actually, Lauren, Frankie and Sleazy T would have missed having cameras following them. And if your presence brings the TV time, then they'll tolerate you. Brody, meanwhile, held off his excitement until the females busted out the liquor. "Oh, they wanna do shots? I love them then!" Spoken like a true friend of Bill W. Producers spent the entire episode building up to the moment we all saw in the promos: Audrina and Brody hook up (off camera) and the cast worries about each of their significant others. "What will Justin Bobby think?" "What about Jayde?" But there was a lot of nuance getting to the hookup heard 'round Hawaii. So let's break it down. Audrina was on the prowl from the get-go. She packed her sexiest one-piece bathing suit, knowing that Brody was, in a past life, Amish. He finds covered-up women irresistible! She also made sure to bring along buddy/translator Stephanie, who spoke for her the entire trip. In one scene in a hot tub, Audrina managed to say so much by not saying a word. Here's the scene, transcribed. Stephanie: "So who's single here?" Audrina: [smiles] Stephanie: "No more JB? He's kinda like on the sideline, but you're still playing on the field. Do you like him enough that you wouldn't hook up with anyone else even though you're not with anyone else?" Brody: "I'll say 'no' for her. If she meets a guy who blows Justin away in every which way, then she's gonna be like, 'Oh, my God!' Am I right?" Not since Marlee Matlin appeared on the "Today" show have I seen a woman more eager to let others speak for her. Later, Stephanie convinced Audrina that she should take the plunge and get a little action. "Maybe you should do it [with Brody] to get Justin back. He would get so jealous!" Stephanie Pratt can add "professional meddler" to her résumé, right alongside "working knowledge of telephones," "fluent in French" and "I like doodling on handbags!" Stephanie wasn't the only one egging on her friend. After watching Brody give a willing-and-able Audrina the cold shoulder, Brody's bros pleaded, "There was a red apple hanging in front of your face, and you didn't pluck it!" Brody snapped back, "You know who I'm attracted to? My girlfriend!" The fact that Brody's girlfriend, Jayde, and Audrina look like they could be sisters is irrelevant. Brody's a faithful dude and his word is ... Before I could finish that sentence, the Brodester was in Audrina's room putting on the moves. He loves his friendship with Audrina, but added, "If we decided, one night, with nobody around, late night ... feelings are feelings." Nothing charms a girl like hearing, "If there was no one else on the planet, I think I'd mount you." So romantic! Speaking of romance, Heidi and Spencer continued to work on their relationship back in Los Angeles. (Spoiler alert: They got married this weekend!) Like a modern-day "When Harry Met Sally," Heidi took Spencer to the self-help section of a Barnes & Noble — while dropping the bomb that her ex-boyfriend Colby and his girlfriend are in town and will be having dinner with them later tonight. "I think it might be good for you to see a nice, normal guy," Heidi cooed. Well, turns out when she said "nice, normal guy" she really meant "super-religious zealot." Colby and Ashley are polar opposites to Heidi and Spencer. In fact, they're so different that in 10 years, they could be cast in the same episode of "Wife Swap." ("He's a Jesus-loving, small-town, former high school athlete, and she's a surgery-enhanced reality TV star who fancies herself a recording artist and who worships her husband!") Dinner got off to a rough start when Ashley pointed out Heidi's, um, appearance. "You look different! I've seen pictures. Colby's mom showed me pictures and, like, you look so different. You don't even look like the same person!" Strike one! Even more offensive? The visiting couple turned down Spencer's offer of Patrón Platinum! The horror! (They don't drink: "Nothing good comes from it.") Strike two! And lastly, they talked proudly about being virgins. At this point, one expected Spencer to jump on the dinner table and begin singing "Look at Me, I'm Sandra Dee" from "Grease." Strike three, they're outta there! (Also important to note that in this scene, we learned that Spencer has been a faithful subscriber to Playboy magazine since he was 14 years old. That explains so much, doesn't it?) The virgin-fest spilled over into the next day, when Spencer and Colby went boxing together. Instead of boxing, Spencer spent the entire time obsessing over Colby's virginal status. This exchange was particularly choice. Spencer: "Can you have sex in heaven?" Colby: "Everything's perfect in heaven, so yeah." Spencer: "Oh, so you're having a lot of sex in heaven." I always assumed heaven was populated by your dead pets and family members. But if Spencer wants to do it with them, to each his own. Eventually, the sex talk resulted in a Bible study between the two couples. (I could not make this up, folks.) There, Ashley furthered the stereotype that religious people aren't so smart by using the word "fornification." In the end, Spencer learned his lesson. Not that he should be a better human, per se, but that he should keep Heidi happy ... or else she'll invite over those party poopers again. I wonder what Ashley and Colby would think of Audrina and Brody's escapades? The morning after Audrina and Brody had their fun, their respective groups of friends couldn't wait to gossip about it. Lo relished every word as she said, "Audrina stayed with the Brodester. I don't know if they hooked up or not, and I don't wanna speculate." Good call, Lo. Speculating is Stephanie's job. "Well, Brody's room only had one bed!" Mm-hmm. Meanwhile, in the boys' camp, Brody was direct. "I cheated on my girlfriend," he said, to which Doug replied, "I woulda put that down like a sick dog." All dogs go to heaven, where Spencer will apparently have sex with them. But Brody's a discreet cheater. He scoffs at the notion of telling Jayde what happened. He'd rather wait until she sees it on basic cable. When Frankie hypothesized, "I wouldn't doubt Audrina's telling the other girls right now," Brody brushed it off. "She would never," to which Frankie deadpanned, "Girls are evil." Cut to Lo and the girls gossiping. (And the award for Best Editing goes to ... ) Audrina finally emerged with a post-coital glow. When the girls asked if Audrina slept with Brody, Audrina shrugged, which in "Hills" speak is like saying, "You bet I did, and it was awesome, and now I'll be the star of the show. HAHAHAHAHA!" She sure will. The ensuing Brody/Audrina/Jayde showdown (or, as Lo deemed it, "World War III") is sure to be intense. That is, if viewers can tell Audrina and Jayde apart. Audrina's ready to fight for her man, and she's not going to let some new castmember get in the way of her destiny. You know the saying: Once you go Brody, you never go back. Until next week ... This report is provided by MTV News
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