 |
|
|
|
What's your reaction to this column? Share your thoughts on the MESSAGE BOARD
Also From Modern Humorist: Colin Powell's Pop Pals Dear Dick: A Letter From George W. Boredom in the Court Behind the Music Napsteropoly Macdonna's Wedding Box Set of the Year Rock 'n' Roll Factory Worker Phish Fan Resume |
|
Get Out The Vote by Bob Lefsetz I smell a rat. This week we've got an election. The first in VH1 history. The most important election in rock history ... then again, maybe the ONLY election in rock history. I've read the caterpillar ballot. Yup, if you're logging on at 56k, it's just about that slow. (This isn't fair. All those college kids with T3s can register ad infinitum, using a multitude of aliases, and vote for their favorites again and again. I know VH1's gonna certify the vote on Thursday night, but I think the slow modem people have an action here. They should get on the phone with Dershowitz.) And I've noticed something VERY suspicious. Creed is nominated in many categories. And not only are they from FLORIDA, but their Behind the Music premiered on Sunday night. Isn't this an unfair advantage? Shouldn't we postpone the My VH1 Music Awards show for a few months? So every nominated act can have their Behind the Music air? (And those without one will have one made for them. Hell, you used to have to have had a career. But if Creed can have one after two albums, and they did one for Enrique Iglesias, can Christina Aguilera be far behind? Actually, I expect that in less than a year the Behind the Music will come out a month before the debut album. Like the single now. It will be part of the overall marketing campaign.) I was categorically against that Creed dude winning ANYTHING! But after seeing on Sunday night that he had to combat religious-zealot parents, and had to live in an apartment with no electricity, I've got sympathy for him. I'm tempted to vote for him. This is unfair. Can Bill Daley give me some spin on this? Isn't there another side? Actually, when I look at most of the My VH1 categories (or should I say SCATTERGORIES?) I feel like most voters in the PRESIDENTIAL election. I don't like ANY of the nominees. Christina? She's got a good voice, but I'd get about as much intellectual stimulation sitting down with the phonebook. Vertical Horizon? I'm sure this is the same band that did "Breakfast at Tiffany's." Did you ever view the videos side by side? Nine Days? That's a DEATH sentence. That's how George W. would kill me in Texas. By making me listen to their music for that long. Sisqo? Summer's OVER! And so is he. But if one doesn't participate, one can't bitch. So I'm gonna vote. And I'm not like those wimpy people, usually with a heinous agenda, revealing nothing about their choices. You're gonna listen to what I have to say. Because we need a leader. To combat the blanding of America. (If Dubya becomes president, we'll have the same effect. Nothing stimulates artists like Republicans, who have contempt for them and their lifestyles and criticize their every act.) 1. YOUR SONG KICKED ASS BUT WAS PLAYED TOO DAMN MUCH This isn't FAIR! I want to punch out the chads for ALL these acts!! Santana's the new Ralph Nader. His comeback may have bought him notoriety, but it eviscerated ALL of his credibility. If I had to vote for one, I'd vote for Macy Gray. But I still wish her album was less slick. 2. MOST ENTERTAINING PUBLIC FEUD These are ALL winners! Like the typical voter, I'm going to ignore the title of the category. The Metallica/Napster feud wasn't the most entertaining, because it's deadly real. If you think when it's all over music's gonna be free, I ask you how you get your food. This feud must win to draw attention to the crisis (and to show everybody that elections are no joke!). Obviously, the Supremes battle was funniest, but I ask you, who really cares? If only Diana had died. Then she'd be remembered as a legend. 3. YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT ALBUM? I'm not voting here. I'm gonna try not to leave a dimple, for fear they'll think I WANTED to vote for somebody. I'm against commercial endorsements. God, what's next? Commercial endorsements at weddings? Buy this bride, she's endorsed by Coke? Love and music. They should be SACRED! Made for the heart, not dollars. 4. DOUBLE THREAT (MUSICIAN/ACTORS) Where's Dwight Yoakam? Oh, he didn't make a picture this year... I vote for Jennifer Lopez. Because unlike the others she can act. But unlike the others, she's got absolutely no musical talent. Maybe if she wins this she won't make another album. 5. MUST-HAVE ALBUM I'm friends with the Chili Peppers' managers. And I'm friends with the A&R guy for Matchbox Twenty. But I'll tell you, none of these records will be remembered five years from now. Download them from Napster. And delete them when you run out of hard-drive space. Vote for the RHCP if you must, but this is a sad reflection on the status of the music world. 6. WELCOME TO THE BIG TIME! I'm gonna HAVE to vote for Creed. After all, 3 Doors Down is arguably an imitation of THEM! As for Destiny's Child, can't they kick out ALL the members?? 7. BEST-KEPT SECRET Well, if the secret was really that well-kept, they wouldn't be nominated, right? I mean, where's Badly Drawn Boy? The Corrs are beautiful, but they've got sh*tty material. Aimee Mann is WAY overrated. (I'm personally combating all the fawning press.) I'm not the biggest Dido fan. It would be okay if she won. I'd actually like to vote for Lucy Pearl. If they'd been on a major label they'd have been bigger. But they kicked out the dame from En Vogue, and she's what hooked me. So I'm down with David Gray. But can someone who's been on SNL be a secret??? 8. 2 FOR 2 I like "Devil Without a Cause." But the follow-up only sold because the public is stupid. Furthermore, the album was a compilation of stuff recorded BEFORE "Devil." Matchbox Twenty's second album? Who doesn't consider that a DISAPPOINTMENT! One could argue hard for Creed, but as mentioned above, they've got an unfair advantage. I can't get over Britney's breast implants. Gimme some TRUTH! So I'm voting for 'N Sync. Because their fans think both albums are great. Even though I think the Backstreet Boys have better material. But I saw them at the MTV Movie Awards and my jaw dropped. When they did that dance from The Matrix. Where they stood still and leaned all around. That's how one should decide amongst these candidates. On the DANCING!! 9. SONG OF THE YEAR Makes me wonder who the people are doing the nominating. Do they have LIVES? Do they ever WATCH VH1, or are they glued in front of their computers? NONE of these songs is even CLOSE to best of the year. 10. COOLEST FAN WEB SITE If this were one of those propositions on the California ballot, I'd do some research. But since the winner is ultimately irrelevant, I'm not gonna vote here. Because I've been to none of them. |
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
