Modern Humorist Presents:
Make Your Own "Behind the Music"
by Steve Zimet
They grew up two small-town boys with one big-world dream: to be the (most popular/loudest/best twin-led) rock band on the planet. When all was said and done, they had tasted success, but also their share of adversity. We'll examine their meteoric rise to superstar status and their (rapid/vertiginous/diverting) fall from grace, as VH1 presents "(Flaming/Pussy/Schizo) Rätts, Behind the Music."
Born two minutes apart on November 14, 1965, Kevin and Jimmy Moore grew up in the working class town of Lowell, Massachusetts, just northwest of Boston. Their father (walked out when they were four/was Roger Moore/was Dudley Moore) and their mother (was a high school music teacher/sang in the church choir/once "made it" with a Kennedy). Without much supervision, the adolescent twins frequently got into trouble both at school and with the law. To channel their (ADD/negative auras/propensity to burn things), their mom bought them a drum kit and a guitar and locked them in the basement.
The entire Moore family made themselves unavailable for interviews.
By the time they were in high school, the boys were ready to make their way out of their cellar and onto the gymnasium floor. Their first band, (Anal Staircase/Sharks in the Gene Pool/Spanky's Revenge), featured Kevin on drums, Jimmy on guitar and lead vocals and neighbor Vinny Breen on (keyboards/bass/electric clarinet). The trio made their debut in front of 134 seniors at the Lowell High prom. Not one of those seniors remembers the night.
The band was the talk of the town and was soon booked to play (bat mitzvahs/bar mitzvahs/every bris) in the Boston area. It was at one of these gigs that they met their first manager, Harvey Silverstein, the promotional impresario who would go on to manage (Worcester Aid/face painting at Boston's 1993 First Night/twelve abortive NKOTB reunion tours).
"It was 1984 and I was desperately looking for someone to replace Toe in my breakdancing act, Tic Tac Toe. Toe was holding back the other two because he was really only good at (poppin'/headspinning/footwork), which was Tac's forte. You wouldn't believe how much trouble I was having finding another 'Toe' in Lowell," said Silverstein.
Silverstein was beside himself. With no other options and a tour of the breakdancing-crazed Berkshires just two weeks away, Silverstein had an inspiration. He booked the Rätts in Tic Tac Toe's stead... and booked himself a one-way flight to Switzerland. But when the Rätts took the stage in Pittsfield, Massachusetts on July 15, they were wicked good. The crowd had come for breakdancing, but they got (Kevin's salty ballads/Jimmy's guitar riffs/the brother's similar facial features), and they screamed for more. With only a trace of sarcasm.
By January of 1985, the twins had emerged from their basement to become the hottest rock n' roll band in the world. Three months after signing a record contract with Arista, they quickly watched their first album, "Moore's Scale of Hardness," go double platinum. Their first single ("Diamond Studded Kitten"/"Topaz Woman"/"Little Talc Hot Pants"), soared to number one on the Billboard Charts as deejays and music critics alike lauded their (dynamic harmonies/dark lyrics/matching leather outfits).
Their worldwide "Rock Hard" tour to promote "Moore's" was a multimillion-dollar extravaganza featuring (fireworks/laser lights/scantily-clad geologists in cages). At the end of each show, Jimmy and Kevin often tossed not only their guitar picks and drumsticks into the throngs of fans, but also handfuls of rocks. The crowds couldn't get enough.
By May of 1985, the whirlwind tour was ready to return to the states. On the Concorde home, Jimmy began complaining of a sore throat. Bandmate Vincent Breen offered him a (Luden's/Hall's/Hall's and an eight-pound sack of Valium).
When they landed at JFK in New York, Jimmy had acquired a new vice: lozenges. Though they didn't help ease his throat, the sugar kick gave him an escape from his constant fear of having a sore throat.
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