• Season 4, Ep 4

Digging Up The Past

Farrah opens up about a difficult history with her parents.

01/23/2014 ยท 2:53

I HEAR YOU SAYING, "OH, THIS WAS

BAD THAT I DID THAT.

THIS IS STUPID THAT I DID THAT."

IT--IT--

>> YEAH, I DO JUDGE MYSELF EVERY

DAY.

>> WHOSE VOICE IS THAT IN YOUR

HEAD?

WHO IS THAT?

WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT?

WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, I FEEL LIKE IT STARTED

WHEN I WAS, LIKE, REALLY YOUNG.

LIKE...I JUST--I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW IF IT

WAS--PROBABLY MY MOM.

LIKE, REALLY MY MOM'S LIKE THE

ONLY PERSON WHO, LIKE, WOULD

CALL ME, LIKE, NAMES, IF I DID

SOMETHING WRONG AND, LIKE--

>> THAT'S WHERE IT IS.

WHAT KIND OF NAMES DID SHE CALL

YOU?

>> MY MOM AND MY DAD HAVE CALLED

ME, LIKE, A WHORE FOR NO REASON,

EVEN WHEN I WAS, LIKE, DATING

THE FIRST PERSON I EVER HAD SEX

WITH.

OR, LIKE, I'VE HAD MY DAD CALL

ME A BITCH FOR NO [bleep]

REASON.

>> WHEN YOUR PARENTS CALLED YOU

THESE NAMES, I THINK THAT YOU

BELIEVE THEM.

>> YEAH, I WOULD DEFINITELY

BELIEVE THEM.

EVEN THOUGH, LIKE, I KNOW SOME

OF THE THINGS THAT THEY SAID

WERE VERY, LIKE, UNTRUE,

SOMETIMES I, LIKE, JUST

START SAYING THE SAME [bleep]

ABOUT MYSELF ON THE INSIDE.

>> YEAH, YOU INTERNALIZED THOSE

VOICES AND YOU MAKE THAT HOW

YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

>> LIKE, I USED TO LOVE MY MOM.

I USED TO LOVE HER.

I USED TO LOVE MY MOM SO MUCH.

I MISS HER SO MUCH.

>> BUT STILL, WE LOOK TO OUR

PARENTS TO MIRROR BACK TO US IF

WE'RE VALUABLE, IF WE'RE

LOVABLE, IF WE'RE OKAY.

>> I NEVER GET THAT FROM MY

MOTHER.

SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE

IS, IS WHAT I'M TELLING YOU,

HONESTLY.

>> YEAH.

>> BECAUSE, I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M

ALWAYS GETTING MANIPULATED, OR

MY PARENTS ALWAYS ARE JUST WITH

ME OR TALKING TO ME TO LIKE GET

MONEY FROM ME.

LIKE USE ME IN SOME WAY

BECAUSE--

>> WHICH IS VERY MUCH A PARALLEL

TO YOU WITH MEN.

>> AND IT PROBABLY IS.

I--YOU KNOW...I'VE LEARNED A LOT

FROM MY PARENTS.

AND I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT.

I DEFINITELY DON'T WANT

THEIR NAGGING, THEIR

BULL[bleep].

>> SURE.

>> AND THAT'S WHY, EVENTUALLY, I

BEAT THE [bleep] OUT OF MY MOM

BECAUSE I COULDN'T HANDLE IT

ANYMORE.

>> YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA NEED TO

BRING THEM IN HERE AT SOME

POINT, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THIS IS CLEARLY VERY

UNRESOLVED WITH YOU AND YOUR

MOM.

>> OKAY.

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING

IN TONIGHT AND FOR SHARING YOUR

HISTORY WITH ME.

>> I JUST WANT TO WALK AWAY FROM

HERE FEELING, LIKE, SOUND AND

LIKE I CAN DATE AGAIN.

I CAN BE FREE.

I CAN BE HAPPY.

AND I THINK THAT'S WHY I'M,

LIKE, SURE LET'S CALL MY MOM.

IF THIS IS WHAT'S GONNA HELP,

I'M ALL ABOUT HELPING, AND

THAT'S JUST WHY I'M REALLY

TRYING MY--AND PUTTING MY BEST

EFFORT.