Sadly, we have reached the end of Empire’s highly entertaining and historic first season. While I know what I’ll be doing in its seasonal break to at least try to fill the void in my life – talking to Black aunties at various fish fry spots in Harlem, men with Lucious Lyon styled conks on the street, and ignoring the people emailing me their mixtapes – I am already envisioning how I would like season two to go.
It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday, which means I hope FOX decides go through with plans to bring the show back in the fall as opposed to making me wait until January 2016. I don’t feel like waiting that long. Here’s what needs to happen next season:
Oprah has to play a fledgling R&B Diva
No, not like some of the people you’ve never heard of on that TV One franchise (that I watch faithfully); I’m referring to someone like Anita Baker, only I want Oprah to play an alcoholic version of her. I want her to walk around with bed head and BBQ rib stains on her blouse. Like, I want Oprah to not be her “best self.” I want her to be cursing out people as she tries to find her way back to the top of the charts as opposed to Visa’s hit list. Oprah has reportedly already committed to guest starring on the show, so please, writers, work within this frame.
Hire Jackée Harry
Jackée of 227 and Sister Sister fame is legendary. This woman is gorgeous, smart, and if you follow her on Twitter, delightfully updated on pop culture. Just the other day, she and I were tweeting each other Nicki Minaj mixtape lyrics — one of the proudest of my life thus far. Let’s get her to play Cookie’s auntie or favorite cousin. Something. Point is to get her on this show and let her work her magic. PLEASE.
Give Mariah Carey a Story Arc
I wish Courtney Love peace and less Twitter hiccups, but instead of hiring someone modeled in the image of a pop diva like Carey and Whitney Houston, why not hire the real thing? Mariah and Lee Daniels have a working relationship and we all know Mariah could use some positive publicity since only myself, Roc, Roe, and three of the Lambs copped Me…I Am Mariah: The Elusive Chanteuse. It will help her sell whatever new album she’s working on, give her a chance to stretch her acting muscles, and set Twitter ablaze. Win.
Invite Lil’ Kim On
Okay, so if you saw She’s All That, you know Lil’ Kim isn’t the best actress. Nonetheless, she is Lil’ Kim and since this show often sometimes speaks to hip-hop as if it’s still 1996, why not have someone on who was popping back then? Lil’ Kim can play a one time hugely successful, iconic rapper who started selling albums on PayPal and beefed with the junior version of herself – scaring teenagers and early twenty-somethings who could’ve become new fans. I have faith that she can totally pull that off.
Find Hakeem A New Boo
I think it would be awesome if Hakeem found a woman who isn’t old enough to remember when he was nursing. Likewise, he should probably find a special lady that actually likes his penis as opposed to only grinding on it at a video shoot for the sake of pushing her singing career.
Call Pharrell To Produce Some Beats
I want to hear what Jamal and Tiana sound like with a Pharrell production. Actually, you should see if Chad Hugo will come along, too. Teamwork makes the dream work. If you only get Pharrell, fine. Just remind him to keep his musical feelings out of legal trouble.
New Beef For The Cookie Monster
Boo Boo Kitty is cute, but she’s not equipped to go line for line with Our Lady of the Extra Long Ponytail. She needs the Alexis to her Dominique. Bonus points if you know I’m talking about Whitley Gilbert’s mama’s old show Dynasty that Empire is partially inspired by.
A better representation of mental illness.
As Andrea, Trai Byers is working with what he has, but for future reference, maybe we can view bipolar disorder in a way that doesn’t come across as if it was derived from a misplaced search on WebMD.
Do better with Black homophobia.
I will keep saying this until people on this show and those who work on this show stop saying otherwise: Black people are not the boogiemen of homophobia. Thank you, Jussie Smollett, for your contributions; cut it out already, Lee Daniels.
Bring on a girl group.
Danity Kane, versions one and two, let us down.
Give Mo’Nique a Call
Just kidding. That’ll probably never happen now. But in theory, we could have a Precious: Based on the Novel “Push” by Sapphire reunion in which Mo’Nique reunites with Becky to see how she’s turned her life around.
FOX is probably going to crack God’s piggy bank in order to make this show even bigger than it already is. To that end, you might as well see if you can secure the closest thing Earth’s got to the almighty to do a guest role as Cookie’s niece from Houston.
But if they can’t book Bey, Joseline is probably available.