This week, La La’s Full Court Life spent time focusing on Po Johnson’s plans for the future, as well as what’s made her the woman she is today. La’s fearless friend has gone through her fair share of hardships, and she’s sharing even more of her evolving relationship with her father with her friends at VH1.
Check out Po’s take on last night’s episode, as well as the difficulties that have come with getting to know her dad as an adult.
It’s really cool to watch Kiyan grow up so fast. He doesn’t know it yet, but he has a great support system…or maybe he does know it. La and Melo are doing a great job raising that kid. I learn a lot watching those two and their family grow, and I can’t help to want my own. Or maybe it’s deeper than that.
It’s hard to fill a void when you don’t acknowledge that there is one. I would assume it’s similar to someone facing addiction, and the first step to recovery is admitting he or she has a problem. Within the past couple of years I’ve been able to watch my life unfold with the public, and man oh man is it a bitch. But through this self realization, I can admit I have a problem, an addiction: it’s love… but from man I barely know.
Exposing my story was a decision I made with my family. I told my mom, “it’s a story that’s way too common in our society.” So common, that I became numb to my father not knowing my favorite color, favorite food, who my first boyfriend was, and the fact that he wasn’t there to intimidate him (although, I had plenty of brothers, cousins, and uncles to do so). All my friends were like me, so there was no issue or at least I thought there wasn’t one.
Ever since high school I found myself attracted to the first boy or girl who thought I was pretty, cool, or funny, running to whatever open arms would have me and not having anything to say in return other than what I thought he or she wanted to hear so they’d like me more. I remember thinking all the time “just like me so I can stop holding my breath.”
This trait followed me through college and after–“Soul Jumping” I called it. Swimming in people’s minds, learning about them, taking from them, only so I could replenish what I ravished. I’ve been blessed to encounter amazing individuals, and have had beautiful relationships. No matter how long or short, all have been very intense and passionate. A very close friend of mine said, “You show people your representative, not the real Po, enough of the temporary s–t” That’s when I realized…I don’t know who that is. That has been one of the hardest things to do, be honest with myself first. In that honesty I found that I needed my father, my protector, my daddy.
My father, hasn’t been the greatest man on earth, but he’s mine. There have been men in my life who filled that void: my big brothers, Marvin, Louis, and Marcus, my Uncle Jesse and Uncle Ronni, my stepfather, Dwight, all my gazillion cousins, and my mother. All of them made me who I am today, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But having my biological father in my life is different.
Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t completely to blame. He was around, just not around me. I always thought to myself “he has no idea what to say to me and nor do I to him.” That “idea” of my relationship with my father stuck with me. I was too proud to say I needed my dad–I thought it was a slap in the face to my mother and my family who was there for me. Then my mom said to me, “baby you are who you are not because of how I raised you and everyone else, but because of how your heart beats, how your mind thinks, how your soul feels, and how your body moves. And if your mind, body and soul is telling you to go talk to your dad, then do it, I got your back.” She then proceeded to start claiming her hood and how she would do other things if it got ugly, which I find hilarious because she’s 5’2″!
Full Court Life is a show about friends and family, and it inspires me. I am a proud cast member, proud friend, and proud to say I did it. I reached out to my father; he is my family. I did this simply because I wanted my dad, and it’s okay. I hope we inspire you.