The 5 Most Important Things To Know About 'Miami Monkey': Episode 1

By Kate Spencer

September 8, 2013 / 11:00 PM

Has there ever been a better idea than sending Staten Island's most magical Mob Wife to Miami to open a South Beach installment of her successful bar? The answer, obviously, is no. Miami Monkey is Big Ang at her absolute biggest, and she's brought along some sassy new meat to make her new show that much more ridiculous. Even better, she's also got some "Miami girls" (and a guy) on board to help her open her new bar, and she may have discovered the greatest - and hottest - reality villain of all time. (Yes, yes, of course I mean Morgan.)

Every second of this show is wonderfully insane, but we've picked out THE most important things you need to know about tonight's episode, in which a bunch of attractive women yell at each other in bikinis, more or less.

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1. Ang has rounded up her "Staten Island girls" to open Miami Monkey with her. Here's an easy breakdown:

Raquel: Ang's daughter. Ang says: she is "very, very strict."

Ryan: Tomboyish (by Staten Island standards) bartender and Raquel's BFF. Ryan says: "I'm a f*cking bitch, kinda."

Gabby: Ang's son AJ's girlfriend. She met him "off the computer." Ang says: Gabrielle is always on top of AJ."

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Marissa: Raquel's other BFF. Her husband is serving twenty years for "felony murder" - and she's staying together with him while he's away. Just let that settle in your brain for a second. Ang says: she's "a sex kitten."

Roxanne: Family by marriage. She says: "I am absolutely confrontational."

So everyone is crazy in a great way, more or less.

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2. Ang also hired three local Miami-ites (Miami-ines?) to help out at the bar: Nate Ryan aka Hot Dude With Two First Names, Christina who works at Hooters, and Morgan: The Best Thing To Happen To Reality TV Since Reality TV.

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3. MORGAN MORGAN MORGAN. How has Morgan not been on every reality show imaginable? She's insanely gorgeous, has the world's biggest boobs (I don't normally comment on boobs but, like, THESE ARE BOOBS!) and has the bitch thing dowwwwn. She's already pissed of Ryan a billion times over and won Gabi over by bragging about being friends with Little Kim. I bet when Morgan farts it is both beautiful and cruel. That's just how she do.

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4. Miami Monkey is kind of a mess at the moment. Ang runs a lax ship, the bar isn't totally stocked, and some of the girls don't want to wear the booty shorts with monkey tails that Ang created. Will they get it together enough to get the things off the ground?! (Probably yes, but I'm still nervous!)

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5. There is nothing more glorious than Big Ang, dropping F bombs while vaping on her e-cig in her hot pink lipstick. The end.