This week’s Miami Monkey was a glorious mess of WTF and OMG packed into one little hour, complete with missing rings, screaming matches, Big Ang shouting “Drama!” a bunch of times, and the reality TV line of the century: “By the way I have to fly to Puerto Rico, I’m being sued.” Say what, Cristina?
Let’s count down the Most Important Moments!
5. Snap Snap. The girls (and Nate) gather for a photoshoot from hell, in which they sex up and grind all over the bar for a photographer named Chrispy. During this time Marissa yells at Cristina for stealing Ang’s Patron, Ryan talks about herself nonstop, and Morgan shows up late for no good reason, loses a $7000 ring for no good reason, and then quits for no good reason.
Also: If you close your eyes, Morgan sounds exactly like Lindsay Lohan.
4. The Morgan Factor. Morgan this, Morgan that. Everything is Morgan and nothing Morgans! You get what I am saying, right? All Ang can think about is Morgan, who she pins as the face of Miami Monkey and her “lucky star.” Morgan, on the other hand, is all bizarre behavior in this ep: showing up late for the shoot, wearing a $7000 ring, leaving that ring on the floor of the bathroom and then storming out and quitting when she can’t find it. “Who quits a job over a ring you lost yourself?” you may be asking. Morgan does, yall. Morgan can do what ever the F she wants.
Also: Ryan still hates Morgan.
3. Ryan has a lot to say about Ryan. Ryan – who we admittedly find adorable and charming – loves to talk about Ryan. She’s hot! She’s a great bartender! She feels slighted by Ang! Ryan Ryan Ryan.She laters throws down with a group of douchey customers after they refuse to pay their bar bill because they hated the shots she made. It’s an awkward moment, exacerbated by Ryan scolding the customer for drinking the shot wrong.
Also: Ryan is still flirting with Nate.
2. Party People. Nate has an idea to throw a party for industry at the bar and enlists Cristina as his wing woman. We have to agree with Roxanne, who dubbed the go-go dancer “bad news bears.” She’s just all over the place: stealing, showing up late, getting emotional about her ex boyfriend and then crying to Ang about it when she should be working. And she’s being sued! Cristina should realize how lucky she is that Ang is in her life, she’s just the kick in the booty shorts Cristina may need to get her act together.
Also: The party goes great. Except for:
1. Marissa’s stumble. The Brooklyn drama queen falls on a slippery part of the floor, yells about it, and then demands an ambulance to the emergency room. The episode ends without any news about her injury, but we have a hunch what the diagnosis will be: