A new season of Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. Y’all know what this show has done in the past, and in season three, they’ve managed to outdo themselves with marriages, babies, a sex tape and a shooting. What else is there??? Let’s get to all the shenanigans and rehash episode one. First, lets meet the Jordans.
Ext. Stevie J.’s palatial new home, a.k.a. “The White House.”
“So many rooms, I can’t even count,” Stevie says in voiceover. But Stevie’s math shortcomings aside, what matters is that he and his beloved Puerto Rican Princess, Joseline Hernandez-Jordan is shacked up there with him. The Michelle to his Barack. Enter, Joseline.
“What’s up, daddy? You ready for breakfast?” she asks. And for once, that’s not a euphemism for sex.
Over eggs and champagne, Stevie and Joseline discuss their newleyweddedness, but Joseline doesn’t feel like much of a wifey. “It feels like we’re still dating,” she tells Stevie. Even though she feels that way, she defiantly tells us, “I AM Mrs. Jordan. This bitch is officially off the market.” One problem though: they got married at the courthouse, but Joseline still wants a big, white ceremony (presumably to match their big, white house). “Where’s my dress? Where’s my mamacitas with the flow-wers?”
And as Joseline explains, “What the baddest bitch wants, the baddest bitch gets.”
Before they can plan a wedding though, Stevie has plans for their first joint-post-marital birthday party together. “Birthday par-ty! Birthday par-ty!” Joseline chants.
And with that, seems like Joseline and Stevie might be ready for more breakfast, and in this case, breakfast IS a euphemism for sex.
One couple that is most definitely not having sex these days is Kirk and Rasheeda. They’re living in the same house in separate bedrooms so they can ko-parent baby Karter. Kirk fully admits that last season he was “going through some s**t,” and now he’s manning up and taking care of his new baby, but everyone agrees that the marriage is in shambles. Karter, though. This face is worth all that drama, right?
Moving on to another couple that is most definitely having a lot of sex: Mimi and Nikko.
“My friends think he’s trouble,” Mimi explains after revealing that she and “Make It Rain” Nikko are on-again these days. But one of the reasons she’s so on with him is that she’s having the best sex of her life these days.
We’re all for open lines of communication in the bedroom and all, but watching these two discuss their sex life and their homemade sex tapes, we felt a little squeamish. It’s the most intimate version of TMI we’ve ever been privy to. (We actually have an extended version of that pillow talk here, click over to hear Mimi tell Nikko “You’re really good at what you do: f—ing me.”)
Now, I know we all know what happens with these sex tapes Mimi and Nikko made, but even if we didn’t, we’d sense some serious foreshadowing after learning that they’ve been taping themselves. Nothing good can come of that. NOTHING.
Waka Flocka Flame is an international superstar, but in the world of Love & Hip Hop, he might be better known as Deb Antney’s son. Waka and his fiancee, Tammy, are new to the cast but after three years and plenty of relationship ups and downs, they are the true intersection of Love & Hip Hop.
“Dating a rapper isn’t easy, there’s hos and groupies at every stop,” Tammy explains. “He’s f—ed up do many times in the past but he swears that this time is different and that he’s changed.”
Scrappy’s got a new boo, and her name is Bambi. Look familiar? You might recognize her from such TV shows as Basketball Wives LA, or the time Kirk got turnt up in the hot tub. Scrappy’s trying to sort his feelings out for Bambi. He’s smitten, but not quite sure he’s in love. It sure sounds like love, though. “How many dudes can smash a girl and then go hoop with her?” he wonders. I mean! It really is the best possible scenario.
When Bambi asks Scrappy about their relationship, he likens it to an uphill job. “You joggin’ past the hos?” Bambi asks. “You need to be sprintin’.”
Mimi decides to bounce this whole sex tape idea off her girls Erica and Ariane. They haven’t seen each other in a while and both of the ladies have new loves in their lives. Erica’s new boo is O’Shea Russell, a model, and Ariane, who came out last year, is with a DJ named Toni and loving life. Mimi reveals that, yep, she’s back with Nikko and things are great, don’t judge her.
“I love Mimi, but sometimes, she’s not the brightest when it comes to men,” Erica says. When Mimi reveals that she made a sex tape, Erica is even more emphatic. “NO NO NO NO!”
“So you trust him with this?” Ariane asks Mimi when Mimi reveals that she and Nikko both have copies of the tape.
“Yes,” Mimi says before swigging a gallon of pinot grigio. Get ready for that to bite you in the ass, Mimi.
Nikko has called Mimi up to deliver some news, and Mimi foolishly is excited by the fact that he has news for her. The big news is that hats were on sale this week, but one get one free.
Nikko admits that he’s invited Mimi to a restaurant so she won’t go ballistic on him in a public place. If only he had that kind of forethought when it came to packing one of their sex tapes away in his checked luggage.
He tells Mimi that a bag of his was stolen while they were on vacation. “What I didn’t tell you,” he says to Mimi, “is that my camera was in that bag.” The camera with all of the sex on it. “We exposed. It’s on MediaTakeOut,” Nikko tells Mimi. “Only thing we can do now is capitalize on the situation.” Or you could take legal action! But that thought never crosses anyone’s mind.
“I feel like a f—ing idiot right now,” Mimi says. Mimi is petrified of what Stevie will do when he finds out about this, especially with regard to their daughter.
“Stevie doesn’t matter!” Nikko foolishly says. Does Nikko have kids? Does he know how life works? Of course Stevie matters.
It’s time for Scrappy to introduce Bambi to Momma Dee, and as he walks in to the bar where they’re all meeting, we catch Momma Dee in the middle of a date.
The man she’s sitting with tells her he’s 40 and asks her age. “Oh wow! I’m… fifty,” she says, really thinking about it.
You sure about that, Momma Dee?
Luckily, she’s saved by Scrappy and Bambi’s entrance and doesn’t have to double check her license for the actual year of her birth, and as soon as she sizes up Bambi, she’s cautious. “It has come to my attention that she’s having another affair in LA,” Momma Dee tells Scrappy about his girlfriend. Bambi’s like “An affair?? So I’m whoring around in LA?”
“You do know he has more than one egg in his basket,” Momma Dee continues.
“I’m sorry?” Bambi asks.
“He has one egg in his basket.”
“He has one egg in his basket?” Bambi asks again.
“What is this egg thing though?” We all wish we knew.
Later, Bambi bikes over to Scrappy’s early in the morning just to check in and see if he has anther egg in his bed.
She’s suspicious now that Momma Dee has planted seeds of doubt in her mind, and she wants to see Scrappy’s phone. He refuses to hand it over, and she asks him if he loves her. She’s putting all her eggs in Scrappy’s basket and doesn’t want Scrappy’s own eggs to be treated so carelessly. He can’t commit to the L word, but he tells her he cares for her. “You’re in care with me?” she asks.
“I’m in a lot of care with you,” he says.
Kirk is not doing himself any favors in the public eye with this next scene. As his mother-in-law, Shirleen, kisses baby Karter, Kirk walks in and puts her on blast for kissing the baby on the lips and mixing her old-ass germs with Karter’s newborn germs.
“What if she just got through doing something with her husband?” Kirk asks. Oh, Kirk, if anything you’re the one with the hot tub germs. Come on, now.
Since Kirk is so adamant that Shirleen not cover his baby in germs, Shirleen fires back “Oh, NOW that’s your child, huh?”
“We’ll find out!” Kirk threatens. Just a little swab’ll do ya.
Ariane and Erica attend because they were invited but they irk Joseline when they start asking questions about the marriage. Joseline gets even more pissed off when they present her with the gift of a stripper pole.
A gift she is perfectly happy with…until they reveal it’s actually from Mimi. That’s when Joseline bails on her own party. She takes Stevie’s car and bounces. So Stevie has no option but to head to Magic City with Benzino to continue the birthday celebration. Not smart, Sleazo.
When he gets back, Joseline is sitting regally on her royal throne in the White House bathroom, sipping her wine. When Stevie saunters in she’s mad. Stevie wants to know why she came home instead of staying out and drinking champagne. “I drink champagne at home! That’s what I do! What I’m not going to do is entertain your shenanigans.”
“Check your homegirls,” Joseline tells him, about Ariane and Erica. She has had it with Stevie not defending her, and in a beautiful twist, she sends Stevie back to the strip club. “Go back to Magic City,” she tells him, waving him off like her royal servant. The queen needs to be alone.