Dear Nick Loeb, Why Are You So Obsessed with Sofia Vergara?

Suing your ex-fiance over embryos? To quote the late Whitney Houston, "Hell to the no."

Dear Nick Loeb:

Normally, when I write open letters to celebrities, or in your case, celebrity adjacent, I do so under the presumption that it will never reach the intended party. However, since your entire aura gives “I can’t go to bed until I check Google Alert,” I am acutely aware that you may very well be reading this. With that in mind, let me be clear: I find you to be a terrible person. You’re level of humanity appears to be on par with Britney Spears’ ability to cover Jill Scott (no shade to Brit, for whom my love flows deep).

Now, I love that you had the gall to write in a New York Times op-ed that when it comes to you suing your ex fiance Sofía Vergara over frozen embryos you created together, “I wanted to keep this private, but recently the story broke to the world.” You’se a damn lie. Very few things scream a call for attention louder than an op-ed in the New York Times. Or you know, an interview with Today. As others have noticed, you are certainly reveling in this attention.

Apparently, your love of fame is partially to blame for why Sofía no longer wants your ass. Case in point: Why in the hell were you giving interviews about your ex and her new boyfriend to Us Weekly? An interview in which you claimed, “I’m sort of conservative, so I like a girl to dress a little classier. I’ve always sort of liked the more classic, elegant look on a woman.”

You’re a sexist, attention whoring jerk who probably shouldn’t procreate.

Which leads me back to that op-ed. You claim you’ve always dreamed of being a parent. You say you offered to waive any financial or parental obligations to your former fiance. You argue that “every embryo is a life on the journey towards birth.” You invoke religion, trying to secure the support of pro-lifers with statements like, “This is not just about saving lives; it is also about being pro-parent.”

Uh, do you know how in vitro fertilization works? You do realize that most embryos created are not carried to term? Or that there is a legitimate divide as to whether not those embryos count as life? Meanwhile, if you’re so holier than thou, why would you even elect to do such a procedure anyway? This is a man made way of having a baby and there are consequences — say, when certain embryos don’t work, they are discarded.

Considering this, why not go forth and find some other woman to marry and have babies with? You could already be planning baptisms if you were so ‘bout that family life. Especially since you keep forgetting one key fact about all of this: The two of you forged a legal agreement that specifically stipulated that if one person no longer consented, the embryos could not be implanted.

Sofía Vergara doesn’t want to be with you nor does she want children with you. There is no longer a relationship, thus, why are you still here, talking about Sofía, some embryos, and why you want to raise her children solo? Why are you so obsessed with this woman?

In an essay I wish I hadn’t read, CNN contributor and noted conservative S.E. Cupp wrote, “President Obama, himself the son of a single mom, has talked at length about encouraging fatherhood and ending the cycle of fatherless children. Shouldn’t Loeb’s desire to father the children he made be universally applauded instead of condemned?”

President Obama should be more focused on bridging the economic disparities that exists within this country – notably when you’re Black and lower income earning – as pro marriage initiatives led by former President Bush have already proven being married doesn’t boost your social mobility.

As for “applauding” Loeb, to quote the late Whitney Houston and my mama, “Hell to the no.”

You do not applauded for not accepting a legal agreement. You don’t get kudos for trying to publicly shame your ex while dually boosting your own level of celebrity. You should not be celebrated for refusing to accept what you were getting into beforehand.

You did not think this through, Nick Loeb, but that is not Sofía Vergara’s problem. Leave her alone. Leave us alone.

Hopefully, this is the part where you should recall how legal contracts work and proceed to download Tinder and Christian Mingle on your cell phone. And go the hell away. Forever.

Bye now.

– Michael Arceneaux