Reimagining The GOP Presidential Candidates As Pop Stars: Who’s Who?

Jeb Bush is Michelle Williams—the day she fell on 106 & Park.

-by Michael Arceneaux

If you Google “Jeb Bush gaffe,” you will find a bevy of links pointing to the numerous (and growing) verbal snafus from the former Florida governor and current GOP presidential candidate. For those of us who like to keep up with politics, we’re familiar with the Legend of Jeb. He had been considered the most likely son of former President George H.W. Bush to match his political success, yet we’ve since come to see George W. Bush —AKA the goofy one who had various problems throughout his life— go on to be the second Bush to serve as president. Plus, he was the first Bush to win twice.

In hindsight, if the Bush men were members of Destiny’s Child, W. is Beyoncé, H.W. is Kelly Rowland, and Jeb is Michelle Williams the day she fell on stage while performing on 106 & Park. Such realization got me to wondering how the other GOP candidates compare to pop stars.

Who’s who in this clown car that we call the Republican presidential field? To quote Mystikal, “Here I go, here I go…”

  • I don’t think Trump would want me to compare him to anyone else, which makes him Mariah Carey.

  • The man who continues to be an ongoing social experiment on how one can be a brilliant brain surgeon but a dense as hell person is Rita Ora— because, like Rita Ora, you have no idea why he’s still around.

  • The New Jersey governor —and real life version of Nelson Muntz from The Simpsons— is like Mandy Moore in that while Mandy managed to secure one or two hits, she never ended up as big as Britney Spears. Similarly, while Christie was once touted as the next future star of the GOP, time has proven that he has not a chance in hell of becoming president. So, like Mandy, who turned to acting, Christie best go find something else to do.

  • La Toya Jackson. Remember when Toy Toy used to go on all of those trashy daytime talk shows to trash her family members, do a nude spread in Playboy, and ultimately started a psychic hotline? You know, make as much noise as possible to draw attention to herself? That’s Ted Cruz. And just like Toya, y’all watched the circus act to pass the time, but deep down, you didn’t give that big of a damn. Same thing here.

  • Iggy Azalea, because no matter what lines the former Hewlett Packard CEO tries to feed you, the fact of the matter is she was never that good at her job and there’s only so many times you get to fail up.

  • The original Spinderella from Salt ‘N Pepa. Do you remember her name? No. Do you know who Jim Gilmore is? I rest my case.

  • Boy George. Yes, this is shade. Catch it.

  • You know those crazy Jesus freaks that sing and shout about your damnation at the bus stop, under the freeway, or near the subway? That’s technically not a pop star, but these days, those types can become quick viral sensations. In any event, that’s Mike Huckabee—only less entertaining and far more annoying.

  • An American Idol contestant that is God awful at performing, but producers put on TV because audiences deserved a good laugh.

  • One of Jennifer Lopez’s background singers. I’m not sure why, but it fits. See his poll numbers in any state outside of New Hampshire.

  • Willa Ford, because much like the “I Wanna Be Bad” singer, you know Pataki did something a decade or so ago, but you’ll probably forget what his claim to fame ever was by the end of this sentence.

  • Britney Spears right after folks started saying she had dead eyes.

  • I’ll give him three options: Vanilla Ice, the rapper Snow, or a member of Color Me Badd.

  • Which pop singers hate anal sex? That’s Rick Santorum.

  • Chris Kirkpatrick trying to pretend he’s Justin Timberlake.