By Michael Arceneaux, @youngsinick
To my surprise, I discovered that a lot of y’all felt that the season premiere of Empire was slow. What type of Speedy Gonzalez-like lives are you folks leading? In any event, hopefully this week’s edition was more to your liking. Personally, I felt like the storyline was too busy hitting the Quan to stay on task, but to each his own.
Now, let’s discuss as a family.
1. Does Jamal have Stockholm Syndrome?
I still can’t quite understand how Jamal and Lucious suddenly became BFFs given the chances of Lucious attending Jamal’s big gay wedding are about as likely as Meek Mill sucking Drake’s big toe on The Wendy Williams Show. I do understand that the pursuit of power can change a man, but something about this seems a bit forced — notably Jamal being so cold to Cookie. You know, the woman who rescued Jamal from the trashcan Lucious tossed him in.
2. How do we feel about Cookie’s wig having shades of blue in it?
In my mind, it was a subtle homage to Lil’ Kim’s “Crush On You” video. I approve.
3. What did you make of Ludacris’ debut on the show?
I’ll just say that Ludacris is no Meryl Streep. He’s definitely Lionel Richie in the face, but not as strong a thespian as my girl Meryl (I’m overlooking her saying she’s a “humanist” as opposed to a feminist). Some felt Ludacris was far more believable in his role as an overzealous corrections officer who would rather be district attorney than Chris Rock was as a cannibal goon. Eh. That’s like saying a fuck Gucci belt is more believable than a fake Chanel bag.
4. Can we talk about Tiana and her songs?
So, the actress who plays Tiana is gorgeous, but as far as her music goes, they sound like fake ass Rihanna songs. That can sometimes work, considering Rihanna’s catalog is full of far more wins than losses, but something is missing. I hope she figures it out, because she’s a beauty and her body roll is on point. You can’t let things like that go to waste.
5. How would you describe Lucious’ flow?
To me, Terrence Howard raps like trap Gargamel from The Smurfs.
Not that it matters because people are going to wear the hell out of “Snitch Bitch.”
6. Is this a safe space to discuss Jamal’s music?
Let me begin with the positive: Shout out to Jussie Smollett’s trainer and the fit of that denim he wore last night. Believe me, I am quite the fan and ever so appreciative. As far as his singing goes, though, “You’re So Beautiful” had a nice hook so it’s hard not to sing along, but what’s up with these new songs? He sounds like he’s trying to sound like Michael Jackson. The songs sound like songs that were intended for MJ, but he passed. Kind of like a bunch of Usher and Justin Timberlake songs, only not as good.
Fix this, staff and crew. Give Jamal a better bop. He deserves it.
7. Why is Hakeem going from Roscoe Dash to Mathew Knowles?
That entire pursuit of a girl group subplot felt unnecessary, but to be fair, these days a rapper will get one and a half hit and suddenly get a label deal. To that end, if nothing else, it’s a smart critique on the state of the music industry. Still didn’t give a damn about Hakeem’s DC3 dreams or that Selena Nomez girl he was swooning for.
In related Hakeem news, I was impressed by him telling his brother, evil Frank Ocean, to get the hell on. Go ‘head, little brother.
8. Does Boo Boo Kitty serve a purpose anymore?
That is, besides being Cookie’s verbal punching bag.
9. Why does Lucious need a new lawyer all of a sudden, anyway?
It was nice to see Bubbles from The Wire, but that came out of nowhere.
10. Is Andre having panic attacks because he prefers working in prime real estate buildings?
I take him ditching Cookie and Hakeem to run back to Lucious only to be shut down as a sign of what happens when acting high saddity blows up in your face. Andre is fine as hell, though. I got $20 on his next office rental.
11. Who is dressing that prosecutor?
If you’re old enough to remember Jacque Reid anchoring BET News, that’s what homegirl reminds me of. Both dress like they have to be professional at their jobs, but still need to get to the club by 11 to get in for free.
12. Can local FOX News affiliates stop doing Empire-based segments after the show airs?
For the love of God, make it stop.