For many watching tonight’s Democratic debate, there’s one question that gets repeated a lot: “Who is that again?”
It’s a fair question given most of the attention has been relegated to Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton’s email server, people who want to comment on Hillary Clinton’s email server, and Bernie Sanders. With that in mind, I’m here to help you learn and remember all five candidates in an easy way. Yes, there are five people actually seeking the Democratic nomination. I know, I know: at least three of them have no chance in hell, but you be nice.
She literally needs no introduction, and while the easy analogy to make here would be to compare HRC to Beyoncé, I’m going another route. Hillary Clinton is the political equivalent of a Max Martin song. I say this because like many a Max Martin song, there’s literally dozens of people hovering over every single line, agonizing over how to make sure the product is as widely appealing as possible.
You know how Max Martin’s team managed to make The Weeknd’s “Can’t Feel My Face” seem innocent? That’s Team Hillary on any of her political positions. You know, whichever ones she tries to stick to that day. And that’s no shade because while I loved her interview with Buzzfeed’s “Another Round,” y’all know Slick Willie’s spouse will two-step between positions to gain political favor. That’s why she’ll likely be your next president. Bow down.
Bernie Sanders is like Paul McCartney on Rihanna’s “FourFiveseconds” with Kanye West. You’ve vaguely heard his name before, mostly from old white people or hipsters trying to impress you with their knowledge (who end up being mostly annoying and pedantic), but now you’re familiar because he’s out here trying to court your young selves into his fold. And to be more specific, he’s trying to court attention from Black people because he needs us to really come out on top. For some reason, now I can’t get “Bitch Better Have My Bernie” out of my head. That would make an amazing campaign slogan, FYI. You’re welcome.
Martin O’Malley is basically Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP album in that, in theory, it should be performing well. But in reality, no one cares. Don’t me wrong. O’Malley is certainly trying to get your attention. Hell, there are a few good reasons to look his way when you stop being so judgmental. Still, you don’t care, and that’s sad.
You know how Ashanti’s moment came and went yet she’s still around, booking Lifetime movies, scooting her butt cheeks across the stage of Queen Latifah’s now-cancelled daytime talk show, and popping up on a local FOX affiliate near you performing cuts from the Christmas album you always forget she had? That’s the former Virginia senator Jim Webb.
Admittedly, this one stumped me because the former Rhode Island governor (thank you, Google) doesn’t really appear to be trying all that hard to be president. Initially, I was going to say he’s like an episode of TV One’s Unsung, but you have to open your mouth and sing a note to earn such status. To that end, Lincoln Chafee recalls Kim Kardashian’s “Jam.” Like, it happened and you’re not entirely sure why it did because it doesn’t seem the least bit serious, but you have to acknowledge it to some degree because it’s there, right?
After writing this, I can’t believe I didn’t follow through with becoming a news anchor.