Fox

Who Ordered the Black Panther Musical on Empire?

Our burning questions from last night's Empire.

By Michael Arceneaux

So Empire happened again last night and it was you know, okay. I am noticing across social media that many are feeling underwhelmed. I’m not there yet. I will say certain plot points last night were easy to predict, but if we’re judging the episode by Nicki Minaj’s catalog, it was more Pink Friday than it was Roman Reloaded. I mean, I think the show can still get back to The Pinkprint level of entertaining, but we all have to accept its Beam Me Up Scotty days are over.

That absolutely makes sense and you know it. In any event, let’s talk among ourselves about last night episodes, entitled “Poor Yorick,” which was like a nod to Hamlet or something. Yeah, I don’t care either, but let’s be classy and nod along to that tidbit.

Isn’t it time for Jamal to be provided some harder beats for his music?

At the beginning of last night’s episode, Jamal sang another one of those pop-leaning songs that I really can’t get jiggy with. Now, it’s clear Jussie Smollett is influenced by Michael Jackson. I am fine with that, but producers, let’s give the man more Off The Wall MJ, less “Earth Song” and “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You” Michael. Thanks.

So Jamal is calling his album The Artist?

I’d rather he didn’t. That ain’t hot, yo. It’s like lukewarm as hell. He should call it Sissy just to piss Lucious off. I’m kidding. Kind of.

Hakeem wants to be a mogul, but shouldn’t the mogul making begin at home?

As in, Roscoe Dash Jr., can you get your own situation popping first before you go and work on someone else? I mean, if you’re going to be Mathew Knowles, become Beyoncé first. He’s so hurt over his girl group, but his own rap career is a mess right now. He would go to discover a potential new lead singer in a jazz club. Yeah, Hakeem hangs out in jazz clubs. I’m assuming he picked that up from Camille. I miss Camille. Can she come back and f**k s**t up again?

Who wrote this line: “When the cops raid your house, that makes you a G. When the Feds raid your house, that makes you an OG?”

And were they serious? Marissa Tomei turned on her blaccent and everything, sounding like Iggy Azalea’s silly auntie.

So this raid was based on what happened to Murder Inc.?

That’s what I took from the FBI raid opening scene. If that is the case, which member of the cast is Ashanti?

Why hasn’t someone penned a parental version of “Not Gon’ Cry” for Andre to sing?

My man is going through it when it comes to his ongoing episode of For The Love of Lucious? Lucious does him so wrong and Andre keeps on chasing that waterfall anyway.

Poor, Andre. Out there in the forest lost like hell trying to dig up Vernon, who I totally forgot ever existed. Because I am supportive, I watched that scene while singing”Bitch Better Have My Body.” Still, I want him to stop chasing his daddy around like a no good boyfriend his friends warned him about yet he keeps pursuing anyway.

So Andre thinks God is sending him DMs on what to do with his career in the music industry?

Rhonda loves her husband, right? Andre is fine as hell so I get it, but if a man looked at me with crazy eyes and started saying God told him directly to do X, Y, Crazy over some a record label, I would be inclined to start planning an escape route. It’s proof that he’s long gone in the head. They’re the KimYe of the show.

Who ordered the Black Panther musical?

Jamal and Hakeem playing post-apocalyptic racial justice fighters on the set of the old “California Love” video was interesting, to say the least. I was waiting on a 2Pac hologram to show up and dance. Then Hakeem punched him. In my mind, that was for all of us since I don’t like Evil Frank Ocean. I want Nice Frank Ocean back.

So what was up with Fake Ass Tom Green?

He was supposed to be artistic, but his work gave iPhone 6 photo edited with MS Paint. He obviously wanted to have sex Jamal, which bothered Jamal’s boyfriend, Michael. But like, why? Has Michael seen Michael? And how insecure is Michael going to remain? He continues to be draining. I miss Jamal’s other boyfriend, who was fine, too, but far more confident.

Why won’t Cookie just let bygones be bygones and work with Boo Boo Kitty?

She is being so short sighted and it screams counterproductive. And since we’re talking Cookie, during one scene, she was dressed like Lil’ Kim heading to a tea party with Donatella Versace back in 2000?

Can you describe Lucious’ speaking voice?

For me, it gives Scar from The Lion King with laryngitis.