By Michael Arceneaux, @youngsinick
For much of last night’s episode of Empire, Andre Lyons was the living embodiment of Michael Jackson’s “Man In The Mirror” and The Clark Sisters’ “Is My Living In Vain.” He spent much of the show making acts of contrition, seeking forgiveness from his family and inviting all of them to attend his baptism. I am like Jamal in that I am not going to a church who condemns me, but since Andre is fine and reflective, I’m totally down to listen to some Mary Mary with him. Whenever he wants. It’s the God in me.
As for the episode, it offered fellatio, studio time, guns, and thanks to Hakeem, plenty of simping. So you know, the usual. Now, let’s gon’ and talk about what went down.
Who mentions “The Empire” more: Lucious Lyon or Darth Vader?
I’m going with Lucious because I swear fo’ gawd this man says “to the empire” every seven words. He might as well carry a red lightsaber with him.
Would you take Michael’s whiny self on the road with you?
We know how I feel about Michael. He’s gorgeous — and whiny as hell. But I’d rather ask Donald Trump advice on dating a Latino man than entertain anything Lucious Lyon has to say about relationships. The man wouldn’t know a stable one if it straddled him. Thankfully, Ne-Yo was there to ultimately encourage Jamal to let Michael’s whiny ass on the road. The scene of them in the studio was endearing because it was good to see a straight Black man and a gay Black man talk about a relationship problem without any sign of awkwardness.
However, if I were Jamal, I’d consider replacing Michael for the second time around. First of all, if you think Jamal let that fake ass Tom Green blow him, ask him directly. Not Michael. Oh no. He wanted to one up Jamal and let that nasty mouthed man blow him instead to, you know, “get back at Jamal.” What a stupid THOT he is. They better go to couple’s counseling and have some amazing make-up sex. Film it all for the show.
P.S. Michael told Ne-Yo he’s been on 20 of Ne-Yo’s tour dates. Why you lyin’, Michael?
Don’t you just love the way Tiana described the women who jacked her?
My girl said, “Two ugly ass bitches.” I am not getting enough Tiana this season. She is gorgeous and I tend to like her Zara-like replicas of Rihanna’s closet. More, please.
What was that loaded same-sex marriage commentary tucked into the script?
Did anyone else wince when fake ass Tom Green was lecturing Michael and Jamal about the pitfalls of marriage equality going nationwide? I get the whole “let’s not define progress by hetero-normative standards,” but that scene sounded like it was written by a gay who is being pressured into marriage by his longterm boo and is mad he can no longer say, “Not until it’s legal everywhere, baby.” Put a ring on it and stop trying to remix progress.
Could you contain yourself when you saw Adam Rodriguez?
I may or may not have screeched “Daddy” at the screen during Delgado’s meeting with Cookie. I have been in a long-term relationship with Adam in my head, so to whoever cast him for this show, may God and Beyoncé continue to bless you.
Don’t you miss Cookie and Jamal’s relationship?
I enjoyed watching those two take subtle digs at each other while Andre was being baptized. First of all, it’s very hedonistic of them, but also quite cute and characteristic of a Black family. Jamal has not reached the stage in life where he can dump his Mathew Knowles, so I suggest he stop playing and call his mama.
Can we give Rhonda a hand clap?
I so appreciated Rhonda shushing Cookie and Lucious as they bickered at Andre’s baptism. That’s a good sign that a white person who married into a Black family has properly acclimated herself into her new surroundings. She was looking at those fools like, “Does my husband’s family ever stop?” The answer is no, girl, but at least you’re more comfortable telling them to be quiet when necessary.
Was that church scene not phenomenal?
What I appreciated most about last night’s episode was its subtlety. It relied less on celebrity cameos and stunts and more on its great cast. I particularly enjoyed watching Kelly Rowland work out her anger over being shaded as the “second lead singer of the group” by trying to drown Lucious in the bathtub. The same goes for Andre staring at his father as he walked away following that flashback. We need more of this and less of Chris Rock eating his cell mates as if they were some slow cooked pork ribs.
Until next time, heathens.