If you’ve watched the video for Adele’s new single, “Hello,” you may very well need a lifeguard to save you the pool of tears you’re presently drowning in. Adele is the mother of melancholy, and given it’s been nearly five long years since the British singer-songwriter has released an album, we are right on the tip of what will surely be another long reign. To that end, you need to start preparing now. Adele, like winter, is coming, and both forces are known to make you sink into sadness. You need to prepare your heart, your mind, and for many of the people reading this, your loins. Allow me to help.
Buy the necessary supplies.
Once 25 drops and you give it that first, full listen, you’re likely to end up curled up in bed, boo-hooing like hell. You will think about an ex. You will be thinking about all of the shoulda, coulda, wouldas of your life. You may very well want to go slow dance with a 1987 Buick Regal in the street (please call a suicide hotline first, though). Get your tissues ready. Have your cable bill and Netflix and Hulu subscriptions all paid. Chances are you’re not going to want to leave the house, so you might as well prepare for the sulking as best as possible. Just tip your Thai food delivery driver well. He is not the one who broke your heart.
Have contraception on hand.
It is very much probable that you will end up sending or be sent a “Hey, stranger” text message. These messages are more often than not, annoying as hell. However, the temperatures are dropping (unless you live in California), so with cuffing season and a sad Adele album comes the increased chances of a slip up. Based on “Hello” alone, I’m already willing to give some ain’t s–t person a temporary chance. We are in peak drunk text and ugly cry seasons. Prepare yourselves accordingly, beloveds.
The politicization of Adele has already begun, but it will only worsen with time.
Here is the thing about Adele: She cannot help the fact that she is white, British, and the world loves themselves a white British woman who can sing down. There are some people who use her as an example of biases in music. Like, I’ve already seen some say if X Black singer sang these same songs, they would not be met with the same fanfare. There is some truth to that claim, but to be fair to Adele, it’s not her damn problem nor is she responsible for said biases. She didn’t create that monster. She’s out her minding her business, making all of us sad as hell about the no good romantic partners in our respective lives.
More importantly, Adele is not like singing equivalent of Iggy Azalea. Contrary to some people’s claims, she is not a soul singer nor as she ever professed to be. Her music is very much standard pop, adult contemporary flair. That music has long been commercially appealing and Adele is quite talented when it comes to both singing and writing. So, to those who want to start a war over Adele, stand down. Sip some chill. Find another target.
Wait, who am I kidding? They’re going to do it anyway. However, for those who just want to listen to the music, do yourselves a favor: mute it and boot it on your respective social media feeds.
Do not get on Instagram or YouTube to record yourself lip-syncing or actually singing Adele’s new songs.Embedded from www.youtube.com.
You’re only going to make the world sadder, only for less audibly pleasing reasons.
The stan wars cometh.
Personally, they can all fall down a wishing well for all I care. Just know that it’s coming. Folks can’t help themselves.
Get out of bed.
Read this message a little after 25 is released, storms every chart ever created, and dismantles your tear ducts. Do not turn on Drake after you take a break. It’s like chasing heroin with crack-flavored malt liquor. Hopefully Beyoncé will have released something new. I’d say Rihanna, but let’s not kid ourselves. And trust, Adele will be just excited if King Bey drops something new and upbeat. You know she runs the British wing of the Beyhive.