From fantasy football to beer pong, human beings love nothing more than finding skill where none exists. One of the most interesting things in the world is to watch people try to explain “their skill” in matters that are entirely left to chance. If you like watching people justify their wild guesses with something resembling logic, then Storage Wars is the show for you.
That isn’t to say the storage warriors on this show aren’t professionals. They all know how to turn junk into cold hard cash. But, even though the show entered the back half of its eighth season this month, the storage warriors continue to justify to themselves why they gamble on a random closet of shit in the most ridiculous ways possible. Since we’ve now been treated to over a half decade of people guessing how much other people’s garbage can earn them, it’s time we talked about The Dumbest Reasons People Give for Doing Things on Storage Wars .
“Organized is Good”
You don’t have very much to go on as a storage warrior, so you’ll take the slightest cues to convince yourself that you’re making a good decision driving up the bids. One common belief is that if the locker is organized, then the items in it are more valuable. No matter how often this leads to opening boxes of low-rent kitchenware and sheets, the buyers still insist that this logic is sound.
“I can get it cheap.”
When there is no interest in a locker, at least one of the buyers tends to convince themselves that because no one wants it, it is a good investment. Getting worthless garbage at a low price is somehow a good thing. It’s hard to find more circular logic than that, but that doesn’t stop one storage warrior from using it roughly once every episode.
“I like weird stuff.”
When a storage locker looks a little off beat, our storage warriors tend to think that might mean some rare items are within their grasp. Instead, it often means Christmas decorations, beat up old toys, and other items that would belong to a deceased cat lady and not an eccentric robber baron.
“Could be a lot of mystery, lot of surprises in here.”
When there are suitcases and chests in a storage locker, buyers logically assume that something could be inside of them. Of course, the assumption that maybe they shouldn’t make is that this something has value. Rather than fearing that which they cannot see, storage warriors are often too willing to take a risk on the unknown and lose money in the process.
Though the usual storage warriors can be a bit ridiculous, they are professionals. From time to time, as in Season 8, episode 8, the storage game attracts some true crazies. When the usual suspects turned up at a vault sale, they were joined by a man who goes by “Psychic Don.” Psychic Don claims to judge the value of a locker by the tingle of his arm; he claims he once used his powers to make $10,000 off of a $75 locker.
We doubt Don really has magical powers, but if he does, it’s selfish just to use them to win the storage wars instead of, like, actual wars.
“Dust everywhere. That’s a good sign.”
Maybe it was because it was an early morning auction and the buyers wanted to believe that they made the trip for a reason, but several of them had their interest peaked because of a layer of dust in one locker. It’s hard to imagine that a layer of dirt is a good or a bad sign, unless you’re looking to plant a garden.
“Everything in here is bubble wrapped.”
At first, this kind of makes sense. If you want to protect something, then you’ll want to wrap it up. But, then you think of the things that were bubble wrapped around the house growing up: ornaments, glasses, and other worthless shit your Mom got way too upset about when they broke.
“There’s some tools in there.”
Pretty much every storage locker has some tools in it, yet the storage warriors often use the presence of tools to justify a bid on a locker. When a buyer hasn’t bid much that day or they just like the size of a haul, they’ll use the tools to convince themselves a locker is worth a bid. It rarely works out that way.
“I see some art.”
Sometimes, a piece of art is a sign of a greater haul to come. Other times, it is just a print from a dorm room wall. Beauty, as we all know, is in the eye of the beholder. The problem with trying to bid on art from a distance is that you don’t know what you’re beholding until you get a closer look.
Someone Else Wants It
Just like anything else in life, human emotion sometimes interferes with the buyers’ better judgement. Rene and Dave, probably the show’s two most successful buyers, often bid up lockers just to spite each other. Even though their livelihood’s depends on their auction hauls, sometimes their pride gets in the way of business.