Last week, the World Series took us away from Empire, and specifically, Hakeem’s kidnapping. The only things I know about baseball include the following: Houston Astros; Matt Kemp; Evelyn Lozada’s partner; baseball players make crazy money; Michael, get you a baseball player. So, now that we’ve gotten sports out of the way, let’s move on to the melodrama.
Are you happy Becky got her some?
I was not anticipating seeing her leg in the air as she was screwing around on the roof with someone who turned out to be a Christian rapper, but hey, get it how you life. Since we’re talking about sex and Christians, Andre is so fine, y’all. Like the kind of fine ass Christian that could get your heathen ass at church service.
Was Jamal singing an Elton John song?
First off, are we going to begin every episode with his ass singing? I like looking at Jussie Smollett so I’m fine with either way, but just curious. In any event, last night’s song was very Elton John sounding. I’m cool with Elton John, their styles don’t mesh well. Didn’t I already suggest that Jamal hook up with Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis? Why are they not listening to me when I’m absolutely right. I have another suggestion: Just have Jamal sing all of Donell Jones’ catalog. The sound fits Smollett’s voice and I’m almost certain the majority of the audience would just assume they were new songs. Donell will get a check and Jussie’s character will get it right. Y’all are welcome.
Isn’t Jamal’s sexuality being handled heavy-handedly?
This show goes out of its way to remind us that Jamal is gay, often in the silliest of ways. Whatever the case, Lucious told Jamal that he was “too narrow of a gay artist” and I was a bit stumped. A gay singer can’t fill an arena in Los Angeles if he has hits? They’re not trying to make sense here. From my understanding, Jamal has like half of a hit thus far and his debut album hasn’t come out. Why would he be trying to book the Staples Center anyway?
And if he did have a hit album and single, why would being gay be block him from booking that venue? Gay singers do face challenges – particularly Black ones – but can we try to be realistic about them? Pretty please. I mean, Jamal solving his purported gay problem by singing “la-la-la-la-la” a thousand times won’t be fixing much.
So, Hakeem has PTSD?
Actually, as a real doctor explained to me on the Twitter, technically it would be an acute stress reaction given his “duration of symptoms isn’t long enough.” I am feeling very Frasier right now. Anyhow, you would think Hakeem had been locked in a box for five months the way he was behaving last night. And when was released, the first thing he does is go have sex with Boo Boo Kitty, who was about to have her own panic attack before he rolled up on her.
Why? I don’t understand much about this show, but this is particularly perplexing to me. Empire loves to cram a lot into a single episode, but last night felt like four or five episodes in one. Hakeem was kidnapped, then Lucious and Cookie come together to save him. They do, only Hakeem is clearly not okay. He is resentful towards his dad (typical), his mother (typical), but is lashing out more than usual. He can’t focus. He’s hearing things. He’s punching glass.
He can’t perform with his new girl group, Destiny’s Bilingual Child. However, he has a connection with the lead singer, who essentially saves him as he freezes during his performance. But ta da, he’s perfectly fine again. That all happened in like 20 minutes. That is not okay, writers.
I want to know how long he was kidnapped. FYI, the length of the World Series doesn’t count.
Why didn’t the men who kidnapped Hakeem have guns on them when Hakeem and Cookie approached them for a meeting?
I loved Cookie cursing them out and making them bow down, but if they’re gangsters, how are they not strapped/holding? That doesn’t make sense to me. Am I silly for even trying to make sense of this?
Speaking of Cookie, though, I’d like to highlight her attire last night. One minute, she looked like an extra from Madonna’s “Nothing Even Matters” video. Another scene, she gives me “Mary J. Blige after she started getting those crossover checks.” So much variety last night.
Cookie sure likes a security worker, huh?
I appreciated the way she rolled up on Adam Rodriquez’s character for sex. That’s exactly how most of us would approach Adam for sex. That said, I feel for her after she finds out he’s in that same gang of goons with the UT Longhorns tattoos.
What did y’all think of Destiny’s Bilingual Child’s performance?
They’re cute girls, but their stripper kicks need some work.
How did we feel about Dej Noap’s performance?
I don’t understand why Lucious feels so “close” to her – especially more than his own sons. Last night’s entire episode felt like it was running on fast-forward. Anyway, my favorite part of Dej Noap’s performance is when she kicked that man in the head. It was very vintage Foxy Brown.
Until next time, folks.