Are Threesomes Supposed to Be That Awkward? (Empire Season 2, Episode 7 Review)

Cookie got hers last night.

By Michael Arceneaux

On last night’s Empire, Cookie got hers, Hakeem’s new boo got a much needed lesson on how to properly sell it from his old bae while Jamal and Lucious fixed their so-so singles. Meanwhile, I was staring at my TV wondering what exactly is going on with the show. I was not alone. Check social media. In any event, let’s talk it out as a family, folks.

Who can blame Cookie for wanting to spend the day in bed with Laz?

Last night’s episode kicked off with Taraji P. Henson being paid to act out one of my fantasies: being in bed with Adam Rodriquez. As a fellow Bison, I want to salute Taraji for making sure Cookie completely sold the bliss that I imagine comes with bedding Adam. The hater in me wants to boo, hiss, though. Pardon my petty.

That said, so they spent the entire day in bed together, but she didn’t notice that UT Longhorn on Laz’s back? Did she not inspect that body at any portion of the daylong sexcapade? I’m not understanding how she didn’t notice that at any point and subsequently karate chopped him in the neck before whipping out the pistol she keeps near her birth control.

Is anyone surprised that Cookie wants to name a concert “Cookie’s Cookout?”

She is supremely Black. I say that with great admiration and respect. Salute, auntie.

Did you hear how pitiful this Lucious song sounds?

I know by episode’s end, a flashback with his crazy ass mama (played wonderfully by Kelly Rowland) gave him inspiration for his song with Def Noap, but the song still sucks in real life. Boom. Boom. Boom. Bang. Bang. Bang. Hell. Hell. Hell. No. No. No. And for inquiring minds, no, it is not the new “Drip Drop.” It could never be.

Was that older gentleman Lucious turned to supposed to be the equivalent of Quincy Jones?

I kept calling him Quincy Jenkins on the Twitter.

Who wrote Destiny’s Bilingual Child’s single?

I cackled like hell when those girls sang, “We sippin’ bottomless mimosas.” That song sounds inspired by Twitter on Sunday morning, early afternoon and Instagram, all-day Sunday. It was not it. Not even a little bit.

Don’t we need more Tiana?

We have not been getting enough of Teyana Taylor as Rihanna on Empire. All we got last night was her trying to train the lil’ meek one Hakeem has a hard-on for to be less LaTavia on R&B Divas and more Beyoncé any day of the week. I know on the episode, that actually happened, but let’s get one thing clear: no one in New York would’ve stopped what they were doing to hear her Spanish version of “I Will Survive.”
Honestly, in that scene, Hakeem won because this man had his old girl teach his new girl how to rock it. How is that life?

So Jamal wants to play nice with Cookie once he needs something?

I love Jamal and Cookie’s relationship, but I wish mama would’ve called out her son about that. For the record, the song was the best I’ve heard from Jamal since the show’s inception. And he looked good. Whew, yes he did.

What’s good with Andre’s pastor?
So, adultery is bad, but it’s perfectly fine to blackmail someone?

When did Lucious become so tolerant?
Lucious went from being to the LGBT community what Donald Trump is to undocumented immigrants to suddenly going to bat for his lesbian business partner turned homegirl? And not only that, they have threesomes? Awkward as hell threesomes that I hope don’t reflect normal threesomes, but you get it. This is another example of me feeling like the writers pressed fast forward on Lucious character while I went to pour more wine and I missed a whole lot.

WYD, Empire?
A lot happened last night, but not really. I’ve been reluctant to flat out say the show is suffering from a sophomore slump, but I will say for the show’s movement in select spaces, there’s a lot of things lacking as opposed to its initial run. Lee Daniels announced this week that once the show wraps up in early December, it will be back in March. That’s a whole damn new season, but be that as it may, I hope the writers are paying attention. The people are increasingly like, “Girl what?” And not in a good way.