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The Most Hilariously Absurd Rumors + Conspiracy Theories About Miley Cyrus

She's pregnant! She's a demon! She's DEAD!

I love everything about Miley Cyrus: Her twerking! Her overt love for pizza! Her penchant for wearing next to nothing! It’s all so refreshing compared to the prim-and-proper pop tarts she calls her peers.

A few people see Miley’s bizarre antics as ill-advised rebellion. She’s off her rocker! Going on a downward spiral! Someone call 911…and the church! However, if you really know Ms. Cyrus, she knows exactly what she is doing. In fact, she is more in control of her career than ever before—creating a safe space where we can truly let our freak flags fly. And cheers to that.

But those naysayers sure like to flap their gums. Because of that, ridiculous rumors about Miley pop up left and right all over the Web. One day, she’s a demon. The next day, she’s pregnant. And then before you know it, she’s dead. That escalated quickly.

Here are the seven craziest “news” items we found on the Internet about Lady Cyrus. We hope Miley (who turns 23 today!) finds them as funny as we do.

  • She was replaced by a body double in 2010.

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    2010 marked a new era in Miley’s career. She bid adieu to kiddy Hannah Montana fare and proudly announced she could not be tamed. To some, this noticeably sexier image was just the natural progression in the pop star’s career. Others (i.e.: the person who wrote this article) have a different theory: The OG Miley was murdered—possibly by Disney!—and replaced with a Miley clone. And this clone doesn’t give a crap about being a role model to your pre-teen girl. She twerks! She sticks her tongue out! She does clone things! THE HUMANITY.

  • She is pregnant with Justin Bieber’s baby.

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    A Miley rumor list isn’t complete without a least one “pregnancy.” This little nugget popped up in April. According to the journalistic-as-hell In Touch Weekly, Miley was pregnant with sir Bieber’s child. And the plot thickens: At the same time, Justin’s ex Selena Gomez was also pregnant. Jeez. So much conceiving. Miley laughed off the rumors by posting the tabloid headline, “Miley & Selena: Pregnant by the Same Man” and captioning it, “And by the same man we mean Justin Bieber” on Instagram. So, we’re just making s–t up now, I guess?

  • She is in the Illuminati because of the number 23.

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    The number 23 is very important to Illuminati members. Why? I don’t know. Probably something scary. Because Miley guest appeared on Mike WiLL Made It’s single “23” in 2013, the Internet put two and two together. Lady Cyrus has to be in the group then! And here’s some more compelling evidence: Miley was born on Nov. 23, 1992. The second season of Hannah Montana premiered April 23, 2007. Mike confirmed Miley would appear on the song on May 23, 2013. Coincidence?! I mean…yeah, probably.

  • She has eight very strict rules for potential baes.

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    We couldn’t find a report where Miley outwardly denied this, but we have a hard time believing someone as sexually fluid as her would have these militant dating requirements. A few of the highlights: 1. Attend a “pre-dating” briefing with her assistant. 2. Your outfit color must be approved pre-date so it won’t clash with Miley’s. 3. You must look like a model, six-pack included. In other words, me as heck.

  • She broke up Lupita Nyong’o and Jared Leto.

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    Lupita and Jared allegedly started getting cozy during the 2014 awards season, but they were intercepted by Miley. When Ellen DeGeneres asked Lupita about the romance, she joked about the Ms. Cyrus-fueled rumors. “Ah, but I thought Miley Cyrus broke us up, that was the last thing I heard,” she said. Zing-zing!

  • She wants to have devil horns implanted onto her head.

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    Every Illuminati member needs a good pair of devil horns, right? Apparently In Touch Weekly thought so, because they reported a while back Miley wanted “silicone devil horns” implanted in her head. Miley laughed off this brouhaha, posting on Instagram, “lol lol lol lol lol believe EVERYTHING you read! It’s all true!” Damn. This actually would’ve been pretty cool.

  • She and Beyoncé are recruiting kids for Satan worship.

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    And the only piece of evidence for this? They stick out their tongues and gyrate a little. Yep. That’s literally it. Good story, guys.