Biggest Moments of 2015: Miles Says He Didn’t Want to Come Out to Amber on TV but He Needed the Help

"Immediately after telling her, the way she crumbled and broke down, I regretted it."

For the next two weeks, is bringing you Keeping It 100, a look back at the major moments from VH1’s biggest shows this past year, as told by the people who lived them.

In an exclusive conversation with VH1, Miles Brock opened up about coming out to Amber Laura on national TV and his relationship with Milan falling apart on this season of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood.

Countless emotions were running through my head before coming out to Amber on TV: fear, anxiety, I was stressed out, I was nervous. I didn’t want to do it and then after I did it, an instant moment of regret came. I had so many emotions running through my body that day, I don’t even remember what I said to her. I knew that Amber had an idea about my sexuality and I knew that she had heard rumors about me but hearing rumors and me validating it is totally different. So as long as I was denying them, that’s all that it was. It was all just a rumor.

Immediately after telling her, the way she crumbled and broke down, I regretted it. Even a week prior, I knew [filming that moment] was coming up and I didn’t wanna do it on TV. There was a time [that was not on the show] where I went to her house to tell her because I didn’t want to tell her on TV. I pulled up but didn’t have enough courage to go in and tell her. I wanted to go in and give her a heads up that this is what is going on and this is who I am. I was prepared to spoil the show because I didn’t wanna do it on TV. I needed help and I think that’s why [the producers] had me tell her with the therapist.

After telling her and seeing her [reaction,] I couldn’t face it and I couldn’t hear it. I couldn’t face her. I just kinda of stood up and ran to the bathroom and the therapist was just like, “Miles, in this moment, she needs you. You have to come out and stay for her. You cannot run from this.” I just had to be man enough. I wanted to hide. I wanted to curl up under a rock, the biggest rock that I could find, but I had to came out and stay for her.

Looking back on the way things have played out and my relationship with Milan being under a microscope in front of the world, it sucks that we are in the place that we are. I wish that things were better because we were best friends and not having him around sucks. I guess that’s a part of what we signed up for. Everybody knows that they are putting their relationship under a microscope when they jump on this platform and we open our lives up to the world to have an opinion about it. It’s hard and unfortunately he and I are where we are.

Sometimes I regret coming out on television because it hasn’t been easy. It has been very hard and I get a lot of backlash. The thing that matters the most isn’t even about me anymore though. [It’s about] the fans, so many people, I get thousands and thousands of Tweets and emails and DMs from people thanking me. People who have reached out to me and say they look up to me and that I am their role model. They say, “Thank you,” [and] that’s the energy that makes every bit of stress and traumatization that I have been through worth it.

As told to Damian Bellino