If you’re a true American patriot, then you know yesterday was literary scholar and actual teacup magician Britney Spears’ 34th birthday. Jimmy Kimmel is clearly one, because he acknowledged the Starbucks advocate’s special day on his talk show last night. And he chose to celebrate it in the weirdest–and best–way: Bringing a third grader on stage to do the shadiest BritBrit impression the world has ever seen.
I mean, damn. This literal child is ruthless. Clad in a “…Baby One More Time”-inspired cutout, the probably-9-year-old girl quickly goes from dropping Ms. Spears’ impressive stats to taking serious shots. What is this, Sarah Silverman’s opening monologue after Britney’s 2007 MTV Video Music Awards performance?
It’s worse. The child starts out innocently enough, bragging on the amount of albums Britney has sold. But then she goes there. “Once, I got married and divorced in the same weekend,” she said. “And then I got married and divorced a second time. Oops…I did it again!” Zing-zing!
The blood bath continues with more digs about Brit’s infamous head-shaving incident and parenting faux pas. Watch the cutely packaged roast go down in the clip above. #Justice4Britney