Cher has a workout video. I repeat: Cher has a workout video.
This is the most exciting thing I found out when I dove into the world of celebrity fitness programs. Many of your favorite A-listers dabbled in the workout movie scene at one point or another. Obvious ones include Mark Wahlberg circa Marky Mark, Kim Kardashian (duh) and Paula Abdul. However, there are a few wildcards like Cher and, um, Alyssa Milano. (And her video is called Teen Steam. Yup.)
Yes, these star fitness tapes will make you do a lot of things–laugh, roll your eyes and cringe a lot. However, one thing they won’t do? Give you incentive to hit the gym. You’ll be too busy chuckling to think about pull-ups. Go make some popcorn and save yourself the trouble.
In 2007, the ladies of The Girls Next Door released a fitness video, including lady Kendra. There is nothing particularly groundbreaking about her workout tips, but the novelty of her environment–the Playboy mansion–makes this video worth the watch. There are chickens–ducks? geese?–pecking in the background as Kendra (clad in Spandex) punches thin air. It’s all so good.
She has a Grammy, Oscar, Emmy and…a workout DVD, apparently. Cher Fitness: A New Attitude hit stores in 1992, and it’s actually pretty bomb. Cher doesn’t put on a fitness expert facade. Instead, she takes the relatable route–going through these workouts like any other viewer. Something about her soothing voice makes me feel like I can get to that last rep. Can Cher give me fitness motivation forever please?
I’m not going to lie, all I gauged from this video is that ’90s Wahlberg is the reason orgasms exist. Watching him lift weights will make you feel things you didn’t know were possible. Oh! If you give a crap about the details of his workout, check out the Amazon page. (I clearly don’t, because ~biceps~.)
Launched in December 1992, Jennie Garth’s Body in Progress is a no-fuss, barebones workout designed for people new to fitness. It’s cute and even contains some helpful information about anorexia and bulimia. But the best part? Looking at Jennie’s ’90s AF hair. That’s worth the sweating.
Paula Abdul: Total Body Cardio Dance Workout screams ’80s–the music, gaudy energy and neon colors. But, believe it or not, this shiz came out in 2000. It’s basically a Paula music video with some high kicks thrown in, and we’re here for it.
La Toya Jackson
Everything about Step-Up Workout with La Toya Jackson (1993) is iconic. From La Toya’s highlighter-yellow ensemble to her breathy, borderline psycho speech in the beginning about how everything is going to be alright. If you manage to get past that insanity, the workout is A+ cardio.
Your Personal Workout (1995) seems inviting at first, but–damn it–this looks effing difficult. The starting aerobics moves will give even the fittest human heart palpitations. Simmer down, Heather. This is too much.
Of course Kim got in on the fitness game. Fit in Your Jeans By Friday (2009) is an intense workout that aims to sculpt curves and build confidence. That’s great, but can we talk about how Kim is literally wearing makeup for the entire vid? That’s the most Kim Kardashian thing in the history of Kim Kardashian things.
No offense to Alyssa, but what the hell was she thinking? Teen Steam came out in 1988, and–yes–it is as creepy as it sounds. At one point, Alyssa and two girls do a cardio workout in what looks like a 6-year-old’s princess bedroom. Excuse me? Watch this for pure trainwreck entertainment only.
The video is called Aerobic Striptease (2003). Enough said.