Bionic robo goddess and IRL lotus flower Christina Aguilera turns 35 today. Earth’s first genie is many things–beautiful, intelligent and blessed with arguably the best voice of her generation. However, let’s not forget something crucial: She is also ridiculous. Very ridiculous. Like, so ridiculous, you won’t think the stuff she does or says is real. In an iconic way, of course.
But it’s real. Painfully real. For every whistle tone Christina knocks out of the park, there’s a time she threw gum over her fans. Or complained about someone coughing. Or ostentatiously fanned herself. Granted, she is a goddess, and the stan in me is tempted to scream, “Slay that gum! You look so good!” But my rational human side can’t fight off the SMH feels. And Christina causes a ton of ’em.
Here are the 10 craziest ones. Prima donna or not, Christina is still a legend. We raise our (less fancy) fans in tribute to her.
The time she saw red over someone coughing during her interview.
How dare someone breathe when Lady Aguilera is discussing the emotional strength it took to record “Woohoo” featuring Nicki Minaj! Didn’t this scrub get the memo to hold all bodily functions until after Christina left the premises?
Or when she threw literal gum at (or over?) her fans.
What’s a gal about to wow the crowd with deep lyrics like “If the shoe fits, wear it b–ch” to do when she has gum in her mouth?! She can’t just swallow it and risk damaging her vocal pipes lined with actual gold. And she certainly can’t spit it out next to her and risk the camera panning to it. The solution? Throw it into (or over) the crowd of adoring, homely fans. They’re ugly plebeians, anyway. Who cares if it hits them?
The time she called Bionic a “masterpiece,” “ahead of its time” and something only “real music” people can understand.
You hear that, Mozart fans? If you don’t think gems like “Sex for Breakfast” and “I Hate Boys” have merit, then you’re not a true lover of music. So what if Lady Gaga came out with essentially this aesthetic two years before–Bionic was progressive, damn it!
When she channeled Total Divas for a solid 365 days.Getty Images
The time she basically said Madonna wasn’t relevant enough to record a song with her.
“Maybe Madonna 10 years ago, maybe?” Christina said with a sardonic grimace during this 2003 interview. And then she threw in some “Me Against the Music” (Madonna and Britney Spears’ duet) shade for good measure. “It was like the same old,” she scoffed. Our guess is she was still salty about BritBrit and Madge overshadowed that 2003 MTV Video Music Awards performance when she did this chat. Sorry, bb.
When she *allegedly* asked Mary J. Blige to kiss her hand when they met.
This is just MJB’s claim, but–yikes!–we believe it. “I don’t like [Christina] because she has a nasty attitude,” Mary said. “I was trying to greet her properly and she stuck her hand out for me to kiss it.” LOL, can you even imagine this exchange? We hope MJB showed her the damn light.
The time she got Tony Vincent’s name wrong on The Voice.
“Tony, is that your name?” Christina said in a dismissive, condescending tone to Voice contestant Tony Vincent. Um, yes it is. Seriously, how does a judge on a singing show not know the top contestants’ names? Too busy musing about the forward-thinking process that created Bionic, apparently.
Oh! And any time she pulled out a fan on The Voice.Giphy
Like a deity waiting to be worshipped and fed grapes.
When she did all of these impressions for some random reason.
Leave it to shade sorceress Christina to mimic her fellow pop peers in a completely reductive fashion. C’mon–a dumb, pigtailed Britney? That’s so–literally–1998. And how dare you come for Cher when she dominated in Burlesque (2010)!?
Last but not least, the time she *maybe* got wasted at Seth MacFarlane’s Christmas party.Getty Images
This is too good not to make our list. Earlier this week, Page Six reported X-Tina had a boozy ole time at the Family Guy creator’s holiday bash and refused to sing because she was too tanked. Even better? She almost fell into a Christmas tree because her six-inch heels couldn’t support her sloshed-up frame. Talk about a QUEEN. If this is true, Christina isn’t a Grinch–she effing won Christmas.