Kim Kardashian revealed on Instagram today that Mother of the World Kris Jenner has not one, not two, but three Krismas trees this year. THREE. Someone must have gotten a hefty 10 percent in 2015.
Why would someone ever need more than one Christmas tree? Well, Kris has an empty house, leaving room for pretty much whatever the eff she wants. So she did what any empty-nester would do around December: stock up on holiday cheer.
These Krismas trees are already bedazzled with a thousand candy cane ornaments made with real candy canes (probably), but we have on good authority that there are some hidden gems thrown in those branches, too. Kris is one sneaky Santa.
Can you spot these 10 items hiding out in Kris’ trees? If you can’t, ask Kim to buy you a gift card to go get LASIK.
North West’s princess heels
Ahh, the modern version of Dorothy’s ruby slippers. North’s purple princess heels—worn only once, to the delight of plebeians around the globe—are filled with literal magic. Seriously, North can cast spells and shit when she wears them. Why do you think Kris took them from North and hid them until now? That power can only be used sparingly, and Kris wants it this season to land Kylie a teaching gig at Harvard University. Listen, the heels can make anything happen.
Scott Disick’s dignity
Left in France over Fourth of July weekend. Kris actually flew down there with the “vodka guys” (Scott’s old business partners ) to pick it up. It reeked of regret, hair gel and Burger King Chicken Fries, but Kris ran it through the washing machine, so now it smells like flowers. It’s the last present Kourtney will open on Christmas so—shhh!—don’t tell her it’s here!
The original demo tape of Kim’s song “Jam”
Kim’s magnum opus. A thought-provoking musical journey truly ahead of its time. Packed with vocals that rival Whitney Houston and lyrics that make Adele look basic—example: “I’m goin to work like I’m paying my bills (bills)”—”Jam” can only be appreciated by true lovers of music. That includes Kris, who demands that her fam sing this song as they decorate their Christmas trees. Its lyrics are used as a spoken prayer right before Christmas dinner—led by Kim, of course.
All of the Kylie lip kits
Every single one of Kylie’s lip kits are in Kris’ Krismas trees right now. Why else do you think you can’t get your hands on one? And if you DID purchase one online, why do you think it’s taking so GD long to get to you?
Khloe’s waist trainer
Kris (and the rest of us) wants to know where Khloe got that body from. Well, she got it from her mama. And dieting, exercise, that infamous waist trainer, etc.
A deluxe edition of Disaster Movie
Kim’s feature film acting debut and, hands down, the most daring performance captured by a female—or human, for that matter—on screen. The emotional depth she brings to her cheerleader character Lisa is astounding and the stuff seasoned pros are made of. The film is so moving Kris makes the gang watch it every year in lieu of It’s a Wonderful Life (1946). Who needs James Stewart when you have Kim serving all the Thespian feels?
A scrapbook dedicated to Kanye’s smile
Kris is as obsessed with Kanye’s rare smile as you are, so obviously she has a scrapbook filled to the brim with candids of her son-in-law smiling. She also sprinkled some photos of her and Kanye sleeping on each other’s shoulders in there, too.
Newborn baby Saint is in that tree like Jesus was in the manger. The thing about that is that Kim probably has no idea. She was too busy taking a selfie in front of Kris’ trees to notice that her mom had sneakily put Saint in one of them.
A book of Caitlyn Jenner’s least-informed quotes
Caitlyn Jenner interviews are to Kris as a new episode of Empire is to you. It’s an event. You know you post up on the couch with popcorn for that shit, so do you think Kris is any different when a new Caitlyn write-up comes out? Did you see Caitlyn’s latest blunder in Time magazine? Have a cocktail handy.
Kim’s Playboy magazine cover
A true work of art that introduced Kim as the forward-thinking cultural beacon we know her to be. Kris has a special one autographed and kissed by Kim that she breaks out every Yuletide. She reads aloud from it “Twas the Night Before Christmas”-style to her grandchildren—ya know, spreading the Lord’s word.