Once upon a time a bunch of foreign journalists got together and decided that they wanted to hang out with celebrities more often than their writing would allow. They then created the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, and their awards show, The Golden Globes.
Year after year, the Golden Globes prove one thing: that the Golden Globes shouldn’t exist. The awards show hands out awards to film and television, seemingly at random, and everyone gets drunk while they do it. Sounds like a great party, but it makes for a pretty terrible awards show. Here are 10 moments that proved the Golden Globes don’t matter.
Everyone is Always Drunk
It isn’t a secret that pretty much everyone, from the nominees to the presenters is toasted before they get to the good categories. Here’s a video of the Queen Elizabeth Taylor outdrunking everyone as she presents the award for Best Drama back in 2001.
Miss Golden Globe
Haven’t heard of Miss Golden Globe? Neither had we until we looked it up. When the concept of Miss Golden Globe was launched in 1963, the award was designed to honor women that the HFPA wanted to bone. The inaugural winner, Eva Six, star of such classics as Operation Bikini and Beach Party. These days, they give the award to a son or daughter of two famous people, because the children of famous people don’t get enough credit already, you know?
What duties does Miss Golden Globe have? She walks winners back from the podium and gets her picture taken a bunch!
Last year, Miss Golden Globe was Kelsey Grammer’s daughter for some reason. This year, Jamie Foxx’s daughter gets the nepotism award! Hooray!!
Pia Zadora’s Win for Butterfly
There have been some shocking wins in awards show history, but none quite as shocking as unknown actress Pia Zadora winning a Golden Globe for Butterfly in 1982. When Zadora won the award, the film hadn’t even been released. When it was finally released, the reviews were anything but kind (The New York Times called her “spectacularly inept“).
It had long been speculated that Golden Globe Awards could be bought, and when it came out that Zadora’s billionaire husband Meshulam Riklis had invited much of the HFPA to his home for a private screening, it didn’t look good for the HFPA. Zadora’s win was so embarassing for the HPFA that the award she won, “New Star of the Year,” was discontinued after 1983.
The Best Motion Picture Musical or Comedy Award
In an era when almost no feature musicals are made, here are some of the “comedies” that have been nominated in recent years.
The Wolf of Wall Street
When I want to laugh, I want movies that prompt some level of existential dread too HFPA!
Musicals Nominated for Best Comedy or Musical
Despite that fact that a best musical category in 2016 is about as worthwhile as a “best VCR” category, the award soldiers on. As a result, the HFPA nominates a musical even when the critical consensus is that calling it dog shit would hurt our pets’ feelings. Here are some musicals that have gotten nods in recent years:
Phantom of the Opera (2005)
In fact, the category has strained for musical nominations for decades. 1982’s Best Little Whorehouse in Texas wasn’t exactly Citizen Kane.
Home For Misfit Leading Men
Even if the the Globes aren’t rigged, the HFPA has a weakness for starpower, even if it is … misplaced. The following big time misfires earned best actor nods:
Jim Carrey, How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Eddie Murphy, The Nutty Professor
Robin Williams, Patch Adams
Ricky Gervais Hosting
Whether or not you’re a fan of Ricky Gervais’s acidic brand of comedy, you have to agree that his goal as Golden Globes host has been to mock the Golden Globes. After a three year stint, Gervais and the Globes parted ways. But, since the Globes go out of their way to get things wrong, they are following up the three year benign reign of Queens Poehler and Fey with another relentless offensive from Gervais.
The Winners Take Them Just As Seriously As You Do
The Globes have a history of boozy, tossed-off, and incomprehensible acceptance speeches. Our absolute favorite might be Christine Lahti’s 1998 speech after her win for Chicago Hope, which was delayed because she was in the bathroom.
No One Ever Tried to Blow Their Oscar
But Better Midler did get creative with her Globe in 1980.
It’s Always Been A Laughingstock
Drunken ridiculousness has been a hallmark of the Golden Globes since the 1950s. When they first started in 1944, the Globes were a dull affair marked by journalists reading names off of a list. By the late fifties, a few members of the Rat Pack (Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Sammy Davis Jr.) decided they’d had enough. They drunkenly stormed the stage and a grand tradition of Hollywood embarrassment was born!