Us Earthlings received a Surfbort-sized present Thursday when Super Bowl halftime show sponsor Pepsi confirmed Channing Tatum’s new BFF Beyoncé will join Coldplay on stage Feb. 7 at Levi’s Stadium in Santa Clara, California. Bey is pumped, which makes sense because she is pals with Coldplay’s frontman Chris Martin and delivered a slay-worthy halftime show herself in 2013. Our bodies aren’t ready.
But, even still, this is a horrible idea. Catastrophic, even. As much as I love Beyoncé–I danced to “Grown Woman” in the shower this morning…and slipped–bringing her back to the Super Bowl is a surefire way to seriously f-ck some s–t up. C’mon, people, did we learn nothing from 2013?! Beyoncé is a goddess of epic proportions, but she makes some seriously witchy crap happen at the SB. If Pepsi goes through with this, these shenanigans will 96 percent go down:
The power will go out.Getty Images
This is a given. Beyoncé’s ferocity made the Mercedes-Benz Superdome black out three years ago–and that was a solo performance. Coldplay and Bey’s synergy will no doubt cause all electricity to halt, leaving nacho cheese-guzzling football-goers seething. Hell, they’ll probably even make the power in your apartment go out. Simply put, if you want your lights on, keep Bey out of the game. A generator is no match against “Run the World (Girls).”
Beyoncé will outshine Coldplay… even if she’s sick and sleeps her way through the performance.
Do you see that finger lick? That’s the lick of a true show woman. Even on her off days, Bey is still more superior than most. Why the hell would Coldplay, the headliner, ask the most talented entity on Earth to join them on stage? That’s a bullet-proof way to make sure no one gives a damn about their setlist. When you mess with Queen B, you forfeit any and all shine.
Illuminati spirits will rise from the field and steal all the stadium’s soft pretzels.Embedded from www.youtube.com.
This totally legit, super scientific video explains the pure demonic terror Bey unleashed the second she started strutting to “Crazy in Love” three years ago. Triangles! Red devil lasers! Flames! Can your Jesus-thumpin’ hearts really take this happening a second time? No. The answer is no. Bey’s presence will awaken illuminati ghosts laying dormant in the field who will rise and steal all the snacks. This is fact, people. FACT.
Chris’ ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow might show up and goop the hell out.
Chris and Gwyneth aren’t together. Bey and Gwyn are friends, apparently. What if Lady Paltrow gets pissed her ex-hubby is collaborating with her main gal on national TV? She will crash the stage, scream “GOOP” like a war cry and hurl overpriced body lotions at them. You know it will happen.
Heed our warning, Pepsi. Cancel Bey. Cancel her right now. Sports–and the human race–depend on it.