Bravo

All the Reasons to Hate The Real Housewives of Potomac

Let's hope this show drowns in the Potomac River. Sorry not sorry.

– by Michael Arceneaux

When I saw the preview of The Real Housewives of Potomac, I had a feeling that I would not be into High Saddity Housewives. For those not familiar with the phrasing, you can replace “high saddity” with highfalutin; it’s close enough. After watching the series premiere of the show, it is confirmed: I hate this damn show. I hate this damn show so much. I may hate it less if I make it to a second or third episode, but the chances of that happening at present moment appear about as likely as President Obama making a sex tape directed by Donald Trump.

There is a haughtiness by default with many of the shows from Real Housewives franchise. However, there is a specific strain of elitism among Black people like this. I struggle with how to deal with folks like this who boast about lineage and legacy as if they grew up on Downton Abbey. They tend to be far too impressed with themselves, have an addiction to snobbery, and don’t recognize how their perceived pedigree doesn’t really amount to much given American history for Black folks then or now.

They also typically focus a wee bit too much on complexion and features typically associated with white people. These women were all those stereotypes to a tee. Let’s recap many of the awful things viewers heard during last night’s episode, shall we?

“Two light skinned Black girls with green eyes.”

Oh, you’re one of those who think you’re special, huh? Full disclosure, though: Whenever, Gizelle Bryant spoke, I had to stop myself from singing “Hit ’Em Up Style” because she looks like a wealthy version of Blu Cantrell. She also looks like Vanessa Williams in “The Right Stuff” video if you squint every seven seconds. Gizelle ultimately proved to be the least irritating cast member, but that’s like saying you prefer a stomach virus to constipation.

“I guess that’s what happens when you marry someone in the NBA instead of someone with an MBA.”

Who knew an advanced degree-holding dicks had magical non-cheating powers? Answer: no one because that doesn’t make a difference.

Robyn Dixon thought she was being clever. Access denied. Meanwhile, she’s divorced from her husband but sleeps in the same bed with him as they co-parent. I didn’t think divorce worked that way. The more you know. Insert rainbow here.

“He is the Black Bill Gates.”

Karen Huger, who looks like a stuck up version of Tina Knowles Lawson, kept repeating this about her husband, who gives us a chubbier version of Peter Thomas. First of all, if your husband runs an IT company, that doesn’t make him Bill Gates. That makes him the head of an IT company, which is awesome given it ain’t exactly an industry flooding with Black people. I don’t particularly care for Black people associating themselves as the Black version of someone white. There is no need to center whiteness nor does one need to tout their accomplishments by way of ill-advised comparisons.

“Hi, I’m Karen. Wife of the Black Bill Gates.”

This is apparently how Karen introduces herself to people. Girl. Are you for real? By the way, she’s a neck-and-neck favorite to hold the title for snootiest of the bunch, but as irony would have it, Karen grew up on a farm. She needs to stop acting like an annoying version of Charlotte York if her real give is a woman who came up from Charlotte’s Web. Hate.

“What if they’re gay?”

Katie Rost made this joke after discussing with Not Blu Cantrell about Robyn selling her wedding dress on eBay. You see, Robyn doesn’t have any daughters, hence Katie saying what if her sons are gay because you know, ALL GAY MEN LIKE TO WEAR DRESSES OR SOMETHING. Pardon my caps lock. Simpletons who confuse stupid views on gender and human sexuality do that to me. Katie is also the one who boasted about loving white boys, particularly Jewish ones. She’s got one more time to talk slick about the gays before I wish the next white man she has in her bed falls asleep on top of her.

Oh, she also considers being a socialite a full-time job. She needs to really learn to think before she speaks.

“Maybe in the ghetto, but not in the Potomac.”

You know, The Real Housewives of Atlanta may be full of New Money or No Money But Willing To Pretend, but when you look at woman like Charrisse Jackson Jordan, you don’t realize how good we have it in Atlanta. I am curious that someone named Charrisse Jackson Jordan has the nerve to be so quick to reference “the ghetto” pejoratively to put down others less annoying than her.

“This is why I don’t go to the ghetto.”

And she kept doing this. Mind you, this woman’s current Twitter avi is her looking like she is on the set of a video that used to run only on BET’s Uncut. With all of the prejudice Black people continue to face, the last thing I need to hear is some foolish looking Black woman repeat other groups’ cliche-ridden, classist, sophomoric insults.

Charrisse — two Rs and two Ss – also claimed when she first moved to Potomac, some assumed that she was on Section 8. No the hell they did not, you terrible person. She can report directly to the Section 8 section of hell.

In sum, The Real Housewives of Potomac can jump in the Potomac River and drown.