The 90s were a simpler time. At least in terms of teen movies. These days teens on film worry about raising children
and beating cancer.
Back in the 90s, concerns weren’t so serious. During the golden age of teen romcoms, kids just worried about making stupid bets
and losing their virginity.
… at least according to the movies. As Valentine’s Day approaches, let’s remember a simpler time when we were all pathetic virgins wanting nothing more than to cash in that V-Card. Here are 14 Stages of Losing Your Virginity According to 90s Movies. Check ’em out below and tune into VH1 now until February 14 for all of your favorite romance movies.
1. Make An Ill-Advised Sexist Bet
Before you can stop being a virgin, you have to realize that being a virgin sucks — or at least is undesirable according to fictional high school norms. This usually happens as a result of a bet. Someone is like “Hey, why haven’t any of us gotten laid before?” or “Wouldn’t it be great if we got laid before graduation?” or “Man, I think I would like that girl to lay me.” And thus, a bet is born.
2. Choose A Girl Who is Way Out of Your League
If the goal is supposed to be losing your virginity as quickly as possible, you probably shouldn’t add a degree of difficulty. Well that’s not what 90s movies taught us. While your friends might pursue more … attainable partners like Stifler’s Mom or the nerdy cool girl who is actually kind of cute but you can’t tell due to her frumpy sweater, you attempt to bed the most popular girl or guy in school (or part of the bet will be making them into the most popular girl in school, as in She’s All That).
Remember, if your goal is just to win a basketball game, you don’t have to choose Stephen Curry as an opponent.
3. Attend an Epic Party
The goal is always to attend this big party and leave deflowered. In some situations, like Can’t Hardly Wait, the party will unfold over the course of the movie. In the case of American Pie, the party will be the inciting incident. In 10 Things I Hate About You, the party serves as character development after characters drink a little too much and reveal truths about themselves. Regardless: there will be a rager. The police will be called. You might make it to third base, but sliding in home is not a guarantee.
4. Impress The Hell Out of Her … Or Embarrass Yourself Trying
After failing to get laid at the party, it’s time to take a different course of action. This means either A. join a club or activity that she’s likes in a pitiful attempt to have something in common or B. make a spectacle of yourself to show that you are goofy and charming and sweet and not at all like the jock asshole who broke her heart.
5. Seek Embarassing Advice From A Father Figure Or Teacher
As it turns out, the ridiculous attempt to easily win the heart of the woman who will eventually devirginize you is not a foolproof plan. Who saw that coming? At best, you’re left a little red-faced in embarrassment. At worst, you’ve landed in detention or suspension.
While you’re sitting in a classroom or their bedroom thinking about what you’ve done, it is time for a dad (probably played by Eugene Levy or Larry Miller) or teacher (probably played by Allison Janney or Wallace Shawn) to give you advice and set your misguided ass on the right path.
6. Really Get to Know the Person
While most thirsty virgins in 90s movies spent much of their time listening to their private parts, you have to eventually learn how to listen to your heart. While working late swapping chemistry notes at the library, you learn that not only is your love interest someone you want to bone, but their also a person … with feelings and dreams!
Regardless of what bets or objectifying statements were made before, you’re falling in love!
7. They Fall In Love
Yes, he’s a jock, she’s a nerd. She’s Rich, he’s poor. She’s uptight, he rides a motorcycle. She’s the homecoming queen, he is a no-name loser. She’s a hot foreign exchange student and he is a pie-f–king pervert. It doesn’t matter because they are in love and love conquers all.
8. Her Jerk Ex-Boyfriend Gets In the Way
Just when things were going great, the ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend if you’re watching She’s All That) shows up. He’s the homecoming king. He’s the starting QB. And he’s going to be a huge pain in the ass.
9. Ask Her to the Prom
If you want to get laid, you have to go to the prom. If you want to go to the prom, you have to ask her to the prom. This is just a necessary hoop we have to jump through. Look, I don’t make the 90s teen romcom rules, I just follow them.
10. Screw Things Up … For Real This Time!
UH OH! And it looked like things were going so well! You impressed your crush by doing something embarrassing and/or charming. You even had to run really fast to get somewhere before she did to stop something from happening! But then, you messed up.
Just when you think that chastity belt is about to come off, you blew it. This is where a dark secret from the past re-enters the picture. This is where it all goes wrong.
Nothing can fix this! Except for maybe THE BIG SCHOOL DANCE.
11. Take Your Crush to the Prom
If you’re ever going to lose your virginity, it is going to be on Prom Night. Love is in the air. The nerdy student council / comic relief characters have decorated the gymnasium like it is some New York gala. Some random musician like Letters to Cleo (10 Things I Hate About You) or a cool ass DJ like Usher (She’s All That) is turning up on the turntables.
All is right with the world.
Only thing that stands between you and bone town are the consequences of your previous actions. What could go wrong?! Probably a lot, but that’s okay! The worst is over.
12. That Awkward Moment Before It Goes Down
Hesitation. You thought you heard something. You want to make sure both parties are on board with what’s about to happen. Can’t find the condom. You’ve reached your breaking point after another run in with the LAPD. As you come closer to the moment any of these things can happen, which leads to a momentary pause in the action. But you’re sure and your confidence beats back self doubt.
13. Let The Magic Happen
Now that all the drama is out the way,the silly bets, crazy exes and you’ve really gotten know your crush it’s time to trade in that V-card.
Congrats: no longer a virgin!
14. The Morning After
Okay, sorry but, before we go, we kind of have to look back. On the morning after the party, we’re going to need a scene either at the house or at a local diner where you realize something profound. Yes, you had sex for the very first time EVER! No, you probably haven’t met the love of your life, but damn last night was the best night EVER!
And if nothing else …
Clearly things were way different in the 90s. In 2016, losing your virginity probably starts with flirting on social media. Check out the video below to see a panel of men reveal what really goes down in the DM.