Love is in the air, but that doesn’t mean you have to like it. While many of you will be celebrating your love this Valentine’s Day, some of you might still be licking your wounds from past loves that didn’t end in such a loving way.
They say that the best revenge is living well, but that doesn’t mean that living well is the only revenge. Sometimes, your heart gets broken so badly, you have to take action. From small digs to grand gestures, here are some of the best ways to Get Revenge On Your Ex. We feel for those of you who have to spend Valentine’s Day alone, but here are some ideas for those of you who might want to spend it plotting sweet, sweet vengeance.
1. Live Well … and Let Them Know It
If the best revenge is living well, then it is important to make sure that the person knows just how well you’re living. Katy Perry doesn’t have that problem. When Perry came back to her old high school to play a show in 2010, guess who was in the audience: the popular classmate who broke her heart. She called out Shane Lopes right there on stage. We bet he deeply regrets dating Amanda Wayne, who may have been the most popular girl in school, but definitely doesn’t sing “Firework.”
2. Cultivate That Beak-up Body
One of the great traditions for the broken-hearted is to mend that heart by hitting the gym. I don’t care how good of a person you are, after a break-up, you want to make your ex jealous. One way to do that is to remind them just how good you can look after a fews weeks hitting the squat rack.
Of course, not all of us have it like J.Lo. But we can try.
3. Do That Thing You Always Wanted To Do
Before we get into the truly vengeful forms of revenge, we should remember that one of the best ways to get revenge on an ex is to just do you. Go on that trip you always talk about. Take that class you’ve been promising yourself you would try. Take up pottery damn it! This is your time.
Even if the ex doesn’t notice how fabulous your life is without them, at least you’ll be living a more fabulous life.
4. Let the World Know … That They Suck
Maybe this is a waste of money. Maybe it is kind of childish. But sometimes, when you’ve been wronged, letting the world know what slings and arrows you’ve endured is kind of nice. And really, can you put a price on the look on an ex’s face when they see this billboard while they’re stuck in traffic on the way to work?
5. Do What They Love … Without Them
Whenever you turn on the television and see a female fan who went to the big game without their cheating ex, or you read a viral post about a jilted guy who took a couples vacation on their own, don’t you find yourself giving an unconscious nod of approval or fist pump of solidarity. Why shouldn’t you live your best life? And isn’t that best life a little sweeter when you know someone who hurt you is enviously scrolling through your awesome Instagram feed? Whether it’s a football game or the cathedrals of Europe, everything is a little better when you know some jerk wishes they were there instead of you.
6. Write It All Down. And Then Publish It All Too.
Robin Cook had a distinguished career as a British politician. During his time in politics, he served as foreign secretary and the leader of the House of Commons. He also had numerous extramarital affairs (like politicians so often do). Robin’s smart, ambitious wife did not take too kindly to revelations that his secretary was also his mistress. No only did Margaret Cook leave him, she also penned a scathing memoir about their time together, and just how much of a jerk he was, entitled, A Slight and Delicate Creature. Only a Brit could think up a dope revenge title like that.
7. Write A Book About the Book They Wrote About You
Be careful if you write a book about your ex. They might feel they are entitled to a literary response, which is exactly what comedy writer Hilary Winston did. Winston (who wrote for Community as well as a number of other hilarious endeavors) felt that a character in Chad Kultgen’s Average American Male bore a striking resemblance to her. Winston responded with a collection of essays in which she wrote some stuff that was definitely, explicitly about Kultgen, and his novel (spoiler: she’s not a fan). The book also contains musings on relationships, career, and Build-A-Bear.
8. Write A Beloved Cult Rom-Com
If books aren’t your bag, you couldn’t always write a script exercising the demons of your failed relationship. It’s been a while since 500 Days of Summer came out, but who doesn’t remember the sweet indie romcom. Apparently, one of the writers wasn’t in such a sweet mood when they wrote it. Famously, the film begins with the standard disclaimer “any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental,” but co-writer Scott Neustadter added, “Especially you, Jenny Beckman. Bitch.” to put a fine point on just what kind of grudge he held. Neustadter confirmed the the Zoey Deschanel character is based on a woman who broke his heart, though he won’t say whether or not Jenny Beckman is her real name.
9. Write an Award Winning Album
If you aren’t the literary type, you can always sing through the pain. Hey, if it worked for Sam Smith and Adele, it can work for you. Sure, the music industry is in its worst shape in decades, but maybe you can win an award for best YouTube video or something. Or maybe you can win a coffee shop battle of the bands with your ballad of lost love. Point being: like some kind of musical Kylo Ren, you should let your rage drive your passions and dictate your every move!!
At least until you go platinum … then your money can get over it.
10. A Coffee Table Photo Book
If you aren’t much for writing, musical or otherwise, you could always chronicle your pain through photography. And instead of taking maudlin selfies of yourself alone in a dark room with tears streaking down your cheeks and empty pizza boxes strewn about, why not get creative? When Kevin Cotter’s wife of twelve years left him, she didn’t leave much behind. But she did leave her old wedding dress. Cotter decided to get as many uses out of it as possible, including as a lawn mower bag and a scarecrow. In case you were curious: no, his ex-wife does not find the book funny.
Is this the best therapy for a broken heart? We’re not sure. Is it the funniest therapy for a broken heart? It just might be.
11. Stage A Relationship With a Celeb
This one might be difficult. If you’re not careful, you could very easily add a stalking charge to a list of problems that already includes a broken heart and damaged pride. Sometimes, however, the celebrity gods shine down on you. Fifteen year-old Greta Pasqua got the perfect revenge assist from James Franco during a Beverly Hills photo shoot. Franco gave her a pep talk and posed for a photo. He instructed her to “Post it on Facebook and tell him to eat his heart out!”
If you can’t get a photo-op with a celeb, you could always photoshop one. Of course, then you have to be really good at Photoshop or have a really gullible ex.
12. Go on a Bloody Revenge Quest
Okay, so maybe this one only works in the movies. But Uma sure does make it look good.
13. Bone Their Idols!
We’ve all heard stories of scorned lovers sleeping with their ex’s best friend. You’ve probably even heard stories of the heartbroken jumping into bed with the sibling of their former flame. But, if you really want to get into someone’s head, why not sleep with their ideological hero? Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera were famous for their paintings and for the torrid love affairs they carried on while they were married. When Rivera took things a step too far and slept with Kahlo’s sister, Frida felt she had no other choice than to shack up with Diego’s hero, communist thinker Leon Trotsky.
So, if your ex is a Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton fanatic, maybe it’s time to hit the campaign trail and show your support, if you know what we’re saying.
14. Burn Down the House
Perhaps the greatest and craziest break-up revenge story of all time involves the late TLC star Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes and NFL all-star Andre Rison. After a nasty break-up Left Eye decided that she was going to “bar-b-que his sneakers.” Things got a little out of control, and she burnt his whole damn house down.
That’s one way to make your point.
Of course, you could also eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and hang out in your pajamas for a couple days. To each their own.
So the ex ain’t giving you no at right? Time to get back on the market. That should really give ’em that burn. Check out the clip below of these women documenting their 14 day experience on dating apps. You should try it too.