Breaking up is hard to do. Of course, people often make it even harder by acting like complete jerks. There is no easy way to break up with someone. Even if you do it the “right” way (face to face, in a private place, ended with a nice hug if possible), it is still terrible. But, that doesn’t mean it couldn’t be a lot worse.
Throughout history, human beings have consistently found new and terrible ways to be awful to each other. Nowhere is this more true than in love and war. Here are some of the worst ways that you can break up with someone. Because, hey, you’re always going to look like a jerk when you break someone’s heart, so why not avoid making yourself look even worse?
1. When You’re Drunk or High
This one is terrible because you probably aren’t at your most articulate and neither one of you will be sure if you mean it until the morning. If you have the impulse to end a relationship after you’ve drank half a bottle of whiskey, that is definitely something to listen to, but it is also something to sleep on. Before you slur, “It’s not you it’s me” and attempt a parting hug while the room is spinning, maybe wait until you’ve gotten a good eight hours, downed a couple aspirin, and eaten a big breakfast before you officially call it quits.
2. Have Someone Else Do It
In this era of over-communication, we no longer send messengers to deliver our messages. Email, text, and phone calls are more efficient. If you can’t bear to break up in person (which makes you a coward BTW, but you already knew that), at least have the self-respect not to send someone else to do your dirty work.
If your relationship has transcended the playground at recess, sending a proxy is unacceptable.
3. On Vacation
For those of you who say you had no choice to break up on vacation, I would ask you why you didn’t just break up before you left. Yeah, I get that you already booked the hotel rooms and made reservations, but if you’ve already spent the money, why add misery to the equation.
File that under: worst idea ever.
4. Without Notice
If you’ve made your mind up to part ways with this person, please don’t blindside them with this information. No one wants to come home to find out they can’t get into their apartment because you swapped the locks without telling them. The passive aggressive approach to breaking up is never a good thing.
5. On Social Media
Changing your status from “in a relationship” to “single” is something you should do after you’ve told your s.o. that it’s quits. If your partner finds out they’ve been kicked to the curb at the same time (or after) your Facebook friends and Twitter followers do, then you deserve a swift kick in the ass.
6. On Valentine’s Day
Love is in the air on Valentine’s Day and sometimes, that can be toxic. You would think that Valentine’s break-ups were rare, but many couples have actually split on V-Day. Some celebrities who called it quits on an around February 14th include P.Diddy and J.Lo, Jude Law and Sienna Miller, and Amanda Seyfried and Ryan Phillipe.
7. On Their Birthday
Honestly, even if you have to choose between Christmas and their birthday, kick them to the curb on Jesus’s birthday instead of their own. If you don’t think this is one of the worst ways ever to break up with someone, just mention to a group of people that your last BF or GF broke up with you on your birthday. The chorus of “Awwww”s will be deafening. The kitchen might even send out a free dessert, even if its not your birthday.
8. While They’re in the Hospital
This is one of those tough life scenarios, and probably one of those times where you have to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes to see their point of view. But, we would say it is not a good look to dump your man or woman while they are laid up in the ER. If you’re married “in sickness and health” should mean everything here. If you’re just BF and GF, then you should at least consider it for the sake of good karma.
9. Show Up to a Social Gathering With Your New Bae
So you haven’t spoken to your BF or GF in weeks after a nasty fight. Then you show up to a wine party at a mutual friend’s house with arm candy that you’re introducing as your new bae. This is beyond passive aggressive. It’s a straight up d-ck move that deserve a face full of pinot noir in response.
10. At Your Wedding
Though movies from The Graduate to Runaway Bride romanticize having second thoughts at the altar, in reality, you should probably think it through before you start walking down the aisle. Weddings are expensive. Leaving someone at the altar is one of the most expensive decisions you can make. You definitely don’t want to pay for a wedding without at least getting a few years of marriage out of it.
11. Revealing Your Secret Second Life
So you can no longer keep up with a lie you’ve been telling. You want to let it all out and come clean so you can leave the relationship with a clear conscience. Well, how about you just take your sorry lying ass to a therapist and dump your crap on a paid professional. The person’s heart you’re breaking doesn’t need the added grief so that you can sleep well at night.
12. Leaving Them For A Sibling
Being left for someone else hurts. Being left for a friend is devastating. Being left for your brother or sister is one of the worst things that could happen to you. This sounds like the sort of thing that only happens in Victorian romance novels and soap operas, but it does sometimes happen in the real world.
13. Making a Scene in Public
Sure emotions sometimes get high during a break up conversation, but if you ever find yourself in public having that talk, follow one general rules of engagement. Let’s not raise our voices too high, the folks at Table 6 didn’t need to low all that. The food stays on the table and the keep our hands to ourself. If we follow these steps no one has to worry about explaining that embarassing Worldstar video to their friends.
Though all of those ways of breaking up are terrible, the worst way to break up is to not do anything at all. Leaving without a trace is a good thing for campers and cat burgers, but it doesn’t work in relationships. You cared about this person enough to build a relationship with them. At least have the decency to tell them that you’re tearing it all down.
After a messy break up don’t waste too much time grieving. Sometimes it’s best to jump right back on the saddle. These days that bounce back can happen in a matter of days. All you need is for someone to slide in your DM. Check out the video below to see what our panel of men reveal about what really goes down in the DM.