These Horrendous Lyrical Pickup Lines Will Fail Every Single Time

Be prepared for a lot of drinks in the face.

By Frank Donovan

Where do f-ckboys come from? We don’t know for sure, but our research shows that their ways are reinforced in lyrics to popular music. As our gift to you this Valentine’s Day, we’ll be pointing out some examples and shaking our heads all the while. From the corny to the misogynistic, here are 20 of the worst pickup lines in otherwise perfectly lovely songs that have us side-eyeing for days.

  • “Hey Ma” by Cam’ron ft. Juelz Santana

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    The Line: “Get in the car. Don’t touch nothing sit in the car, let’s discuss something, either we loving or I’ll see you tomorrow.”

    I <3 disrespect

  • “Buy You A Drink” by T-Pain ft. Young Joc

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    The Line: “I know the club closes at 3—what’s the chances of you rolling with me, back to the crib, show you how I live? Let’s get drunk and forget what we did.”

    We’re glad it’s no longer considered sexy to suggest we not remember what we did in the bedroom…

  • “Shut Up And Dance” by Walk The Moon

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    The Line: “Shut up and dance with me.”

    ‘Scuse me?

  • “Body Language” by Jesse McCartney ft. T-Pain

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    The Line: “That thing you got behind you is amazing.”

    Ummm, it’s called a donk?

  • “Your Love” by Nicki Minaj

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    The Line: “You’re like a candy store and I’m a toddler, you got me wanting more.”

    Don’t wanna think of you as a toddler but theeeenks.

  • “What’s My Name” by Drake ft. Rihanna

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    The Line: “The square root of 69 is 8 something, right? ’Cause I’ve been tryna work it out.”

    We suspect only Drake can pull off dirty math puns.

  • “Ignition” by R. Kelly

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    The Line: “The way you do the things ya do reminds me of my Lexus coupe. That’s why I’m all up in ya grill.”

    …And we suspect only R. Kelly can pull off Lexus coupe puns.

  • “Down In The DM” by Yo Gotti

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    The Line: “Snapchat me that p-ssy if it’s cool.”

    Adverbial clause of the year

  • “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails

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    The Line: “I want to f-ck you like an animal. I want to feel you from the inside…you bring me closer to God.”

    Tell us how you really feel.

  • “BedRock” by Young Money ft. Lloyd

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    The Line: “Baby, my room is the G spot. Call me Mr. Flintstone I can make your bedrock.”

    Kinda surprised no one made the Flintstone “bed rock” pun til ‘09.

  • “What You Want” by Ma$e

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    The Line: “Girl, you make a thug want to get a legal gig.”

    Oo you makin’ me blush.

  • “Yo” by Chris Brown

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    The Line: “I saw you from across the room, and I got to admit it that you got my attention. You making me want to say yo.”

    Ahhh, that all you got?

  • “Excuse Me Miss” by Jay Z ft. Pharrell

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    The Line: “You’re so contagious. I can’t take it. Have my baby?”

    Slow down!

  • “Hold It Against Me” by Britney Spears

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    The Line: “If I said I want your body now, would you hold it against me?”

    Britney “double entendre” Spears delivering middle school yucks y’all.

  • “So Fresh, So Clean” by Outkast

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    The Line: “You’re so Anne Frank. Let’s hit the attic to hide out for bout two weeks.”

    Side eye forever at this Holocaust-theme pickup line.

  • “Tonight (I’m F-cking You) by Enrique Iglesias

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    The Line: “Please excuse me, I don’t mean to be rude, but tonight I’m f-cking you.”

    No, Enrique, you’re being rude.

  • “Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta ft. Akon

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    The Line: “I’m trying to find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful. Damn girl! Damn, you’s a sexy bitch.”

    Mmm keep trying.

  • “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent ft. Olivia

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    The Line: “I’ll melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands.”

    No more with the candy innuendo, pls.

  • “Pillow Talk” by Kid Cudi

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    The Line: “Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.”

    New shoes smell good, but, like…

  • “Put Your Mouth On Me” by Eddie Murphy

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    The Line: “I see you watching me. My this ain’t no fantasy. I know that’s you are what I need. Put your mouth, put your mouth on me.”

    Nah, Eddie.

Sick of dealing with lines like this out in the club? Try online dating! Sure it might seem overwhelming, but these VH1 ladies have broken down the best new dating apps.

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