The 5 Stages of Grieving Your Primary Candidate

For those who had a not-so-super Tuesday.

By Brenden Gallagher

If you were hoping for a miracle on Tuesday night, you’re going to have to keep waiting. Democrats who were hoping that their parents and grandparents would forget to vote while the unemployed and members of jam bands would come out in droves were left crying into their bongs. Republicans who were hoping that their party would stay only-kinda-racist were left pouting to their one Black friend that they never wanted it to come to this.

If you were pulling for anyone besides Hillary and Trump, it’s time to start coming to terms with reality. Bernie can’t win outside of states with lax marijuana laws and Trump and Cruz are locked in a dead heat to see who can leave a worse taste in voters’ mouths. For those of you who don’t see your preferred candidate in this picture

here are the 5 Stages of Grieving Your Primary Candidate

Denial

Many people in this country are still in denial about the possibility that Donald Trump could be elected President. Those people probably also thought that he couldn’t create a completely fake university or sell steaks exclusively at The Sharper Image.

Many of you will likely be in denial right up until he dissolves Congress, declares himself President for Life, and starts jailing people who said mean things about him on Twitter. A fun game my girlfriend and I play is guessing which of us will be purged first by Trump’s Secret Police. We’ve decided that I’ll go in the third wave and she’ll be taken from her home under cover of night a couple weeks after I disappear.

That one alone is worth three years breaking rocks in labor camps, even though it only got one damn fav. Let he among us who hasn’t made a Twitter joke about Trump break the first stone.

I for one have decided to welcome my benevolent overlord Emperor Donald. Long may he reign in tremendously yuge glory. If you haven’t gotten that far, at least accept that your candidate likely has no chance. Rubio can’t overcome people saying that he repeats himself too much, and everyone hates Cruz so much that they won’t let him sit at their lunch table.

It’s time to face facts. Otherwise, you’ll start to sound like this.

Anger

Allow me to speak to the liberals for a moment. Those of you who are Republicans are already familiar with anger. Anger is the thing that allowed Trump to rise in the first place. If the Republicans hadn’t made anger the centerpiece of their party for decades, then a platform built around murdering the families of suspected terrorists and deporting immigrants wouldn’t be be winning over the hearts and minds of the people voting in their primary.

My fellow Bernie Bros: you know that feeling you get when someone is always hogging the pipe, but never seems to kick in any grass? You know that feeling you get when you politely ask if there are vegan options at Carl’s Jr. and the kid at the cash register is extremely unchill about it? You know that feeling you get when you’re dad doesn’t understand the utility of a PhD in folk music studies? That feeling is something close to anger. You may feel this very feeling as you reckon with the fact that Bernie’s dream of not allowing Goldman Sachs lobbyists to write financial policy is just as realistic as Carly Fiorina’s plan to move to a three page tax code. You may feel rage bubbling up when you’re told that supporting universal health care, which pretty much every other developed nation offers, is a punchline in an America run by healthcare lobbyists.

It’s okay. Get angry. Just don’t get too angry. That’s how your dad became a Republican.

Bargaining

If you’re Bernie supporter, you know all about bargaining from your time at various farmers markets and co-ops. If you are a Republican, you’ve been bargaining for the entire election, so you’ve probably grown used to it by now. To say that the GOP field this time around is flawed is the understatement of the year. At different points in this election season, Republicans have convinced themselves that this person

this person

and this person

could possibly compete with Trump’s promises to bring back all the great old things about America like internment camps, sexual harassment, and smoking cigars even though you don’t like them that much in hopes your friends will think you are cool. Luckily, the bargaining will soon be over, as Ted Cruz can’t even quite convince Ted Cruz he has a real shot.

Depression

You’re not going to move to Canada if Trump wins. You’re not going to push Hillary farther to the left because Bernie won the five states with the most bed and breakfasts per capita. You’re going to get what you get and you’re going to deal with it. Deep down you know that, and it’s depressing.

There’s no use sulking over it. You’ll just do what you did during those eight long years of George W. Bush. Instead of watching the Daily Show with Jon Stewart, you’ll be watching Last Week Tonight and nodding at everything John Oliver says, muttering, “At least he gets it.” until a more exciting candidate comes along in eight years. If we’re lucky, after eight soul crushing years, that fresh candidate will seem so great that they can go on to disappoint us just as much as Barack Obama. Which brings us to …

Acceptance

If President Barack Obama taught us anything it is that our country is built so that the President can’t accomplish that much. Even if Trump wants to turn our country into a fascist police state, it’s going to take him at least three terms to do it. Sure, our national anthem will be Trump’s trademark “You’re Fired!” set to a dubstep beat and a chorus sung by Kid Rock. Yes, every homecoming queen from every high school in the country will be forced to join his harem/work at one of his casinos, but it’s going to take him a while to completely turn back the clock on three hundred years of democracy.

Look on the bright side, under the Trump regime, we won’t have our newsfeeds clogged with election coverage, at least not until our Fearless Leader dies in the comfort of Trump Palace in Las Vegas of old age.

Hillary and Trump will be here waiting for you in the general election. Pour one out for Bernie. Do whatever nerdy ass thing you want to do for Cruz or Rubio. It’s time to choose between a woman who gives secret speeches to billionaires and a billionaire. They’ll be waiting for you while you say your final goodbyes. Make sure you don’t say anything bad about them into your phone, they’ll be able to get inside of it without a warrant soon enough.