Warning: Spoilers (and f-ckery) ahead.
It’s official: Pretty Little Liars is the drunk girl at your housewarming party in desperate need of Gatorade and sleep. The Freeform drama rolled out its sixth season finale Tuesday night (March 15), and it was totally batsh-t. (Even more than last week, when they literally set Aria on fire.)
A quick recap: The Liars and their boytoys conjure up a scheme to catch “A Emoji” by having Hanna fake confess to killing Charlotte. It totally backfires, and Hanna is kidnapped by the new villain. Meanwhile, Alison is high on medication and having hallucinations of her dead mother and Detective Wilden crawling in bed with her. (She later commits herself.) Except–surprise!–they’re not hallucinations at all. Turns out, Mrs. DiLaurentis has a twin named Mary Drake (Charlotte’s real mother) who is out of the woodwork seeking revenge. Her accomplice? Alison’s husband Elliot, who was wearing a Wilden mask (???) to conceal his identity.
And we haven’t even talked about the love triangles. Caleb is officially the f-ckboy to end all f-ckboys: He kissed Hanna and bedded Spencer in the same episode. Aria and Ezra took a break from writing the Great American Novel to bone (breaking Liam’s nerdy little heart in process, we’re sure). Emily didn’t bone or write any novels last night, but she did help check Alison into the mental hospital like a good pal while her friends were off causing heart attacks.
As shows like Pretty Little Liars continue, they are supposed to get more outlandish. It’s in their DNA. Even still, something about last night’s finale felt particularly ridiculous–like a soap opera gone terribly, terribly wrong. Maybe it was the hidden twin or Wilden mask or Toby’s random ability to speak fluent French, but–for the first time–the show’s antics weren’t full of intrigue, suspense or even campy drama. They felt, dare we say it, dumb.
And coming off a stellar season where the Liars were held hostage, this is disappointing. What happened, I. Marlene King? We wanted more gut-wrenching intrigue, not unnecessary love plot points and FACE. MASKS. (Yes, it’s the third time we’re mentioning it because we’re so pissed.)
We asked you how much longer you’d put up with PLL last June. But let’s revisit this, shall we? In a PLL world where the Liars double as s’mores and Toby wears glasses, is there room for that 2011 magic? Probably not.
Please, go buy her McDonald’s and sober her up. This is getting out of hand.