Mere moments after the world learned that Beyoncé would be premiering her long rumored “Lemonade” project on HBO this upcoming Saturday, the following question rippled across the BeyHive: “Where is the watch party?”
All I could hear each time was Phaedra Parks saying “Go away from me with all of this.” I prefer to watch Beyoncé in silence so I can properly stan as my Lord and Gyrator ministers to me. I am debating whether or not to watch it with a group, but if I do so, it will be under very particular circumstances.
Since I am a good person, I’m going to share my rules with you. If you are a true Beyliever, you should apply them to your life—should you opt for a watch party, that is. Environment matters, BeyHive, especially considering how long we’ve waited for Beyonce’s newest era.
Do not watch with Beytheists.
“Beytheists” are people who don’t believe in Beyoncé. Anyone who dares question the power of Beyoncé has a serious character flaw that you should avoid at all costs. It could be contagious, like the Zika virus or something. Actually, the Zika virus sounds better for your body than not believing in Beyoncé, to be quite f-cking honest.
Anyhow, don’t attend any watch party in which a Beytheist will be in attendance.
Why? This person will be making unnecessary contrarian comments, such as “She ain’t all that.” Yes the hell she is, you tasteless simpleton. They will then be picking apart the special, bit by bit, to your annoyance. Someone already told me that they can see themselves fighting such a person. Listen, we are too close to the Formation World Tour for legal problems. Besides, if you’ve got great seats for the show, you’ve more than likely already spent your bond money.
If you attend a watch party, make sure the haters don’t have an invite. Or at the very least, make sure they have they own designated circle of crazy that is far, far away from you. I would place them in a tarpit, but it’s the host’s call.
The overzealous fans who can’t shut up.
While we love fellow fans of Beyoncé, I don’t need to hear “YASSSSSSSS!” every other second. The same goes for “SLAAAAAAYYYYYY” and other typical forms of conveying jubilee and climaxing. These folks are going to drown out the special and you’ll end up wanting to drown them. Again, do you have bail money? You can’t afford Annalise Keating either. Tell the people to use their inside voices until the special wraps. After that, y’all can all have the orgy.
The people who ask too many damn questions.
Yo, shut the hell up when Beyoncé is doing something. Set up your panel discussion for a later date. Silencio yo’self. 100 emoji.
As in, those who claim to not feel strongly about Beyoncé one way or another. These types are dead inside—and not in the cool way, like me. My concern with the Beyonostics is that while you’re losing your mind and overcome with emotion (yet, still respectfully silent during the airing), they’ll be looking at you like you’re crazy. In actuality, they’re the crazy ones for not being an emotional roller coaster while Beyoncé is doing something. Ugh.
The background dancer’s background dancer.
Lord, some will try to get up and duplicate Beyoncé’s 8-count seven seconds after seeing it. Then you end up tripping them, they break their ankle, and you find out they forgot to pay their insurance premium. Everyone stay seated.
I think I’ve covered everything. Follow this guide and you will maintain friendships and keep your branch of the family tree from being cut, burned and turned into sash. Happy vetting and enjoy yourself. Saturday will be a joyous occasion.
Want to snatch Beyonce’s “Formation” look? Then just follow these easy-as-pie steps!