Who the Hell Broke Into Blac Chyna’s Safe?

A serious investigation.

RING THE ALARM. Someone broke into cheek-piercing trailblazer Blac Chyna’s safe and stole $200,000 in cash and jewelry (TMZ reports). Do you know how many waist trainers you can buy with that loot? Millions. Or gallons of weird tea? Thousands. The things this small fortune could’ve done for humanity–or Chyna’s social media following!

We’re sure Chyna’s head is spinning, along with boyfriend Rob Kardashian’s, who could’ve used the money to buy Kendall Jenner (Bible) a new iPad.

Our heads are spinning, too, because TMZ reports someone from BlacRob’s inner circle could be responsible. (There were no signs of forced entry, which is legal jargon for, “The call is coming from inside the house!”) If this theory holds water, who did this? A member of the Jenner-Kardashian clan? The ghost of Kim Karashian’s marriage to Kris Humphries? The possibilities are endless…and terrifying. Here are our top suspects.

  • Kylie Jenner’s Italian greyhound Bambi

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    A mysterious creature. He has the motivation: Until recently, KyKy and Chyna were frenemies. It’s possible this pooch still has an axe to grind despite Jenner and Chyna making up. And that axe is $200,000 to buy a year’s supply of Kylie Lip Kits. You’d do it.

  • The dude sitting looking off in the distance in this pic of Chyna and Amber Rose

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    How else can he afford Lashed products? Chyna wouldn’t give any up in this pic, so this Joe had to get crafty.

  • Caitlyn Jenner

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    She needed jewelry for the Met Gala tonight (May 2). She was ’gonna return it, of course!

  • The real Black Rob–the rapper, not BlacRob

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    Chyna and Kardashian aren’t putting RESPEK on his name, so he took back what was his.

  • Cartoon Rob Kardashian

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    He has needs, too.

  • Cairo’s stuffed Peppa Pig

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    Easy: He came to life and stole the dough to buy Susie Sheep a plane ticket to Los Angeles.

  • Scott Disick

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    His strange way of winning back Kourtney Kardashian’s trust. He’ll show up in a couple days with cash and jewelry in hand playing the hero.

  • Khloe Kardashian circa 2007

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    She was a badass back then. Our money’s on her. This would be just Tuesday for her.

VH1 staffers bring Kylie Jenner’s relationship with Chyna’s ex Tyga to life in the following video.