These People Died and Left Us With Some Eternal Shade in Their Obituaries

These last words are everything.

By Brenden Gallagher

A few days ago, a Virginia woman chose death as the ultimate protest vote.

Instead of choosing between a pompous billionaire and a highly skilled stateswoman who is maybe a little too friendly with that drone trigger, she opted for the comfort of the Lord’s everlasting arms. Though this is definitely a baller move from Mary Anne Nowland, this is not the first time that someone has used their posthumous 200 word column to throw shade where they felt shade must be thrown. Here are some other instances of shade in obituaries.

  • In Lieu of Flowers, Do Not Vote For Trump.

    Pittsburgh chiropractor Jeffrey Cohen led a full and happy life. At his practice, he treated Pittsburgh greats from Franco Harris to Fred (Mr.) Rogers. It seems he was beloved by his family, friends, and patients alike. It only makes sense that a man so thoroughly contented and surrounded by love would ask that you don’t vote for Donald Trump.

  • … So They Can Let Him Down One Last Time

    If you’ve ever been a fan of a losing sports team, there’s no doubt that you can feel Scott Entsminger’s pain. In his obituary, he made a pretty amazing request: for his beloved football team. Other than a terminal disease or tragic accident, one of the worst fates that you can endure is being a Cleveland Browns fan.

  • “Loved Everything About New York, Except the New York Times.”

    A man who loves finance, opera, ballet, and Central Park seems like a great fit for New York City. And indeed, Amos Schuchman loved everything about NYC, except he preferred to read The Post.

  • Show Me The Money

    Thurmon Winston was a man of God who worked hard for his family. He also apparently felt that his family didn’t work that hard to love him back. In his lengthy funeral home obituary, he let his surviving relatives know what he really thought of them. Even if you were singled out here, you would have to admit that this is a pretty good punchline.

  • She Threw the Books Back At Them

    When you leave this Earth, you could only hope to leave it with an ounce of the humor and grace with which Antonia Larroux left it. In her colorful obituary, she remembers her fondness for Waffle House, cocktails, and a particular brand of blonde hair dye. Perhaps the most interesting moment in the hilarious notice is when she goes out of her way to address a long-standing beef with the local library. The obituary reads, “Toni previously served on the board of the Hancock County Library Foundation. Ironically, the only correspondence she has received from the library since her resignation has been overdue notices for several overdue books (a true statement.) Between ICU, dialysis and physical therapy she selfishly refused to make the time to return them. Her last words were, ’tell them that the check is in the mail.'”

  • That Call Killed Him

    Many people have claimed that watching their favorite team lose the big game almost killed them. According to Michael Vidvik’s family, the Seahawks’ loss in Super Bowl 49 is actually what did it. In his brief obituary, Michael Vedvik’s thought it important to take a shot at ’Hawks poor play-calling that cost them a SB win over the New England Patriots.

  • Still Not #WithHer From Beyond the Grave

    In the interest of equal time, we should also share this recent obituary from Larry Upright, whose dying wish was for people to vote for anyone but Hillary Clinton. So, if you are your general election vote in hopes of honoring dying strangers’ wishes, you’ll have to pick a write-in candidate.

  • When The Coach Left, So Did She

    Shading your favorite sports team in your obituary has apparently become a trend. We’ve seen shade at the players and the refs, and here’s some shade at team management. After the Steelers fired beloved defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau after a long and storied career with the franchise, many fans were unhappy. But only Eleanor Gallagher was so unhappy that she decided that maybe she was better off in Heaven.

  • Big Al Wasn’t Here For the Kardashians

    Twitter

    They say that to live a full life you should know what you like. It may be equally important to know what you don’t like. Raymond Brownley liked his wife and his stuffed barracuda, but he also knew what he didn’t like. Brownley did not like “canned cranberry sauce, wearing shorts, cigarette butts in his driveway, oatmeal, loud-mouth know-it-alls, Tabasco sauce, reality TV shows, and anything to do with the Kardashians.” While some of these things are a matter of taste, we can all agree that no one likes cigarette butts in their driveway. And speaking of butts, it’s hard to argue that the Kardashians aren’t, well, overexposed.

  • 50-50 Freddie

    Imgur

    Allow us to leave you on a positive note. Freddie McCullough hated “vegetables and hypocrites.” Well, you can’t fault him there, and unlike some other deceased on this list, he found a lot more to like than he found time to hate in this world. Among his loves, he includes his three wives, six children, Little Debbie snack cakes, and women. It’s hard to tell from a couple hundred words if Freddie was a great man, but he sure sounds like a ladies man.