The Year (So Far) in Kardashian Witchcraft

Kylie has a crystal garden. Rob is disappearing. Something witchy is in the air. Bible.

It’s been quite a year for the Kardashians. Rob Kardashian escaped the room, Kylie Jenner trademarked lips and Kim keeps posting naked pictures on the Internet. In all seriousness, the family is set to bring in bazillions this year, and we finally know why: They’re all witches.

Don’t believe us? These 10 events that took place in the first half of 2016 demonstrate the magic running through each of the Kardashians’ veins. C’mon, how else can you explain why 99 percent of Americans will spend their rent money on Kylie’s Lip Kits? They have us all under spells! Wake up, people. WARLOCKS. ARE. UPON. US. Allow us to elaborate.

  • Kylie says she can communicate with the late Robert Kardashian.

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    The 18-year-old beauty maverick told older sis Kourtney she was launching her Kylie Lip Kits on February 22, which is coincidentally the late Robert’s birthday. “I’ve been saying the number 22 since, probably, two years ago,” Kylie said. “I don’t know. I feel like your dad talks to me.” Clairvoyant AF.

  • The Iranian government thinks Kim is a spy.

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    Specifically, a diabolical selfie-taker hellbent on corrupting Iranian women and “subvert[ing] the Islamic Iranian lifestyle,” according to Glamour. You can’t make this up.

  • Blac Chyna as an entity.

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    First, she was Kim’s BFF. Then, she became Kardashian enemy No.1 when her baby daddy Tyga started courting Kylie. But Chyna seeped into the Kardashian membrane again when she began dating Rob. Then, they got engaged. Now, Chyna is pregnant with the sole heir to the Kardashian throne. If that’s not Blac magic, then what is?

  • Kanye West possessed Kim’s Twitter fingers and made her fight with Bette Midler. And Piers Morgan. And Chloë Grace Moretz.

    It all started over that racy topless picture Kardashian posted in March. The normally-mum selfie queen clapped back at every A-lister who came for the snapshot. It was life-giving and totally out of character. Ergo, the only explanation is possession.

  • Kendall Jenner was oddly linked to Chris Brown in March.

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    Was Mercury in retrograde at the time?

  • Kylie cast a spell on a girl named Emma who got her wisdom teeth removed.

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    The result? Emma thought she was Kylie. “Oh my gosh, I don’t know what to do,” Emma said.

  • This Kendall wax figure.

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  • And lastly, this photo of Kris Jenner (probably) hexing Khloe Kardashian.


    She’s up to no good back there.

Watch couples try Kylie Jenner’s lip glosses in the video below.

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