If you see an emotionally unhinged 16-year-old on the way to work this morning, tread lightly. TMZ reports Zayn Malik and Gigi Hadid broke up, which in pubescent speak means “violent nuclear apocalypse.”
Yes, America’s favorite model/cyborg duo have called off their courtship after six months. To us mere mortals, that’s no time at all. However, in Hollywood, Malik and Hadid were knee-deep in their “move to the suburbs and leave passive aggressive messages about cleaning the refrigerator” stage. In other words, they were doomed, doomed, doomed.
Their break-up comes days after #GirlSquad high priestess Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris ended their relationship. Conspiracy theorists in the deep, dark corners of the Internet think Swift commanded all her minions to annihilate their beaus in light of her split from Harris. Unfortunately, that’s bogus. What is true, though, is the #Squad will be lit AF this summer. Because all those girls are single, right? Probably. Who TF knows, actually. There’s like a million of ’em.
If you’re a 16-year-old reading this post, wipe the tears and snot from your face. Take comfort knowing Hadid will move on to a new metallic pop star by July–or, at the very least, post thousands of satisfying selfies with Kendall Jenner.